I was messing around with people from work, when one of the guys called one of the girls a 'geek' as a joke. Carrying on the joke, I laughed and said, "It's because she wears glasses isn't it?"
At that moment, the whole atmosphere changed. The jokey, lighthearted mood suddenly became hostile and cold.
I had unintentionally made the girl cry, and all of my colleagues suddenly turned on me. Except they didn't just turn, they literally started screaming at me and telling me how cruel and out of order I was.
I thought their reaction was way over the top for a throwaway remark and tried defending myself but they were having none of it. One colleague even yelled at me, "You of all people shouldn't talk about wearing glasses when you need them too!"
I agreed with her and tried to explain, but she whisked the girl away so I couldn't even speak to her or apologise.
I felt so powerless to defend myself. I knew that if I could get the girl on her own and explain, I could clear this whole thing up but everyone was making it impossible, including the girl herself.
Feeling very sorry for myself and like I didn't deserve the treatment I'd just had, I hung out by myself for a while, to calm down.
The girl then came through by herself and was no longer crying or upset and finally I spoke with her alone.
She listened to my apology and told me that she agreed that everyone's reaction was over the top and that they shouldn't have screamed at me like they did and she wasn't that upset anyway.
I became very angry at that point and wondered why she hadn't stepped forward and defended me at the time. Now, no matter what, my image had been tarnished and there was nothing I could do about it.
The only thing I could do was to become good friends with her, even if it was a surface friendship, just to prove to everyone that they were wrong about me.
Sunday 27 December 2015
Wednesday 25 November 2015
Dream Diary #88: Second Chances
My mother informed me that I had been head hunted by an employer in Japan who wanted English speaking, Western 'Final Fantasy' fans to go to Japan and to speak publicly about why and what we enjoyed about the series. She also told me that the job was basically mine if I wanted it, all I had to do was tell them I was interested.
Feeling joy at the prospect of not having to be unemployed after my current job ends and at being granted a second chance of being able to realise my dream of living in another country and prove what I was really capable of, I readily grabbed the opportunity and accepted.
Plus, the job sounded easy; talking passionately about things I love would be something I'd be really good at.
The English representatives for the company came to my house to talk to me about the job, but didn't seem interested in any of the questions I had to ask. I was too excited to care. The organisation of the trip seemed downright chaotic and would've raised red flags in real life, but in the dream I was just so happy to be given a second chance to prove myself and was determined not to waste it.
When I arrived in Japan, my subconscious had an uncharacteristically racist moment when it seemed that there weren't enough apartments for all of the newly recruited employees, so some of the existing residents jumped from the mezzanines of the apartment building into the lobby, committing suicide!
This startled me even in the dream, but I was so focused on not screwing up this opportunity that I chalked this rocky start down to 'culture difference' and carried on.
Feeling joy at the prospect of not having to be unemployed after my current job ends and at being granted a second chance of being able to realise my dream of living in another country and prove what I was really capable of, I readily grabbed the opportunity and accepted.
Plus, the job sounded easy; talking passionately about things I love would be something I'd be really good at.
The English representatives for the company came to my house to talk to me about the job, but didn't seem interested in any of the questions I had to ask. I was too excited to care. The organisation of the trip seemed downright chaotic and would've raised red flags in real life, but in the dream I was just so happy to be given a second chance to prove myself and was determined not to waste it.
When I arrived in Japan, my subconscious had an uncharacteristically racist moment when it seemed that there weren't enough apartments for all of the newly recruited employees, so some of the existing residents jumped from the mezzanines of the apartment building into the lobby, committing suicide!
This startled me even in the dream, but I was so focused on not screwing up this opportunity that I chalked this rocky start down to 'culture difference' and carried on.
Thursday 5 November 2015
Dream Diary #87: Capturing Tornadoes
I was at some kind of zoo or theme park where animals were on display.
I had stopped for refreshments in the cafeteria when something amazing, something I've always wanted to see in real-life but never thought I would caught my eye; the cafeteria backed onto a large, wide open plain and had an observation terrace that looked out over it and for good reason too - the plains were the perfect breeding ground for tornadoes!
I glanced up and saw not just one tornado but four of them in formation together. In my excitement, I fumbled in my bag for my camera. Of course, I couldn't find it at first and when I eventually did, it was on the wrong setting so I had to deal with that before I could take any photo or video footage.
Unfortunately, when I'd dealt with that my fear that the tornadoes would dissipate came true. They'd whittled down to transparency and you couldn't even see them on film. I cursed at the fact that this was probably a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and I'd squandered it by not being prepared.
But then, I spotted a much larger, singular tornado in another part of the sky and I rushed to the front of the observation terrace to watch it.
When I got there, much taller, larger people than me who were uninterested in watching the tornado were blocking my way (people like this are a huge pet peeve for me in real-life), and after trying to ask politely with no reply, I had to almost shout at them to get them to move. They had the nerve to act like I was being rude, but I didn't care; I wanted my tornado footage!
As it turned out my perseverance paid off because not only did I get some spectacular footage of the big tornado but the smaller formation of tornadoes reappeared as did some other tornadoes as well! I could have stayed and watched them forever.
Since I was in such a good mood and since it was nearby, I dropped by my ex-boyfriend's home, knowing he wouldn't be there anyway. After wandering around a little, I thought about leaving a subtle clue that I'd been there, but since I knew it'd never get acknowledged I decided against it and left.
I made my way home by darkened train in the middle of the night.
I had stopped for refreshments in the cafeteria when something amazing, something I've always wanted to see in real-life but never thought I would caught my eye; the cafeteria backed onto a large, wide open plain and had an observation terrace that looked out over it and for good reason too - the plains were the perfect breeding ground for tornadoes!
I glanced up and saw not just one tornado but four of them in formation together. In my excitement, I fumbled in my bag for my camera. Of course, I couldn't find it at first and when I eventually did, it was on the wrong setting so I had to deal with that before I could take any photo or video footage.
Unfortunately, when I'd dealt with that my fear that the tornadoes would dissipate came true. They'd whittled down to transparency and you couldn't even see them on film. I cursed at the fact that this was probably a once in a lifetime opportunity for me and I'd squandered it by not being prepared.
But then, I spotted a much larger, singular tornado in another part of the sky and I rushed to the front of the observation terrace to watch it.
When I got there, much taller, larger people than me who were uninterested in watching the tornado were blocking my way (people like this are a huge pet peeve for me in real-life), and after trying to ask politely with no reply, I had to almost shout at them to get them to move. They had the nerve to act like I was being rude, but I didn't care; I wanted my tornado footage!
As it turned out my perseverance paid off because not only did I get some spectacular footage of the big tornado but the smaller formation of tornadoes reappeared as did some other tornadoes as well! I could have stayed and watched them forever.
Since I was in such a good mood and since it was nearby, I dropped by my ex-boyfriend's home, knowing he wouldn't be there anyway. After wandering around a little, I thought about leaving a subtle clue that I'd been there, but since I knew it'd never get acknowledged I decided against it and left.
I made my way home by darkened train in the middle of the night.
Tuesday 27 October 2015
Dream Diary #86: Be Prepared
I was in my wedding dress, ready to walk down the aisle.
Everything was perfect, except for one thing; I caught a glimpse of my face in a mirror and I wasn't wearing any make-up! I don't wear a lot of make-up in real-life, but this was my wedding day and I wanted to feel beautiful.
I looked around at my bewildered guests, begging and pleading with various family members to please help me with putting my make-up on.
Their reaction was to tell me to stop being so silly and that my groom was already at the end of the aisle, waiting for me but I just told them to tell him that I'm sorry and that I do want to marry him; I just want to feel more prepared.
I ran away and the only family member that was willing to follow me was my dad, who said he'd drive me around town, looking for make-up for me to put on.
The first thing I put on was eye-shadow, but the only colour I could find was an old and crumbly garish purple. I told myself that the colour didn't matter, as long I applied it properly. However, because it was so old, the sponge tip at the end of the applicator stick kept falling off and poking me in the eye and I ended up applying too much.
I tried to wash it off to start again, but it had stained my eyelids purple.
Next, I tried to apply foundation but I squirted too much into my hands and it splashed all over the front of my wedding dress!
In real-life, I'd apply foundation first as it's hard to do when you have other things on your face, but as I applied so much it looked like paint dripping down me. I kept telling myself that it'd be fine if I kept rubbing it in.
I didn't have any powder to smooth over it either, so my face ended up looking shiny.
At this point, my groom had come looking for me and was asking me if I did really want to marry him and even my dad said, "Don't you think you ought to stop?" But I stubbornly insisted upon putting lipstick on as well.
Because I was under pressure and my groom thought I didn't want to marry him, my hand was shaking and I ended up smearing the lipstick over my mouth.
I came out of the room looking like a clown.
Luckily my groom was good natured about it and saw the funny side, and the dream concluded with me washing all the make-up away and walking down the aisle with a fresh face.
Everything was perfect, except for one thing; I caught a glimpse of my face in a mirror and I wasn't wearing any make-up! I don't wear a lot of make-up in real-life, but this was my wedding day and I wanted to feel beautiful.
I looked around at my bewildered guests, begging and pleading with various family members to please help me with putting my make-up on.
Their reaction was to tell me to stop being so silly and that my groom was already at the end of the aisle, waiting for me but I just told them to tell him that I'm sorry and that I do want to marry him; I just want to feel more prepared.
I ran away and the only family member that was willing to follow me was my dad, who said he'd drive me around town, looking for make-up for me to put on.
The first thing I put on was eye-shadow, but the only colour I could find was an old and crumbly garish purple. I told myself that the colour didn't matter, as long I applied it properly. However, because it was so old, the sponge tip at the end of the applicator stick kept falling off and poking me in the eye and I ended up applying too much.
I tried to wash it off to start again, but it had stained my eyelids purple.
Next, I tried to apply foundation but I squirted too much into my hands and it splashed all over the front of my wedding dress!
In real-life, I'd apply foundation first as it's hard to do when you have other things on your face, but as I applied so much it looked like paint dripping down me. I kept telling myself that it'd be fine if I kept rubbing it in.
I didn't have any powder to smooth over it either, so my face ended up looking shiny.
At this point, my groom had come looking for me and was asking me if I did really want to marry him and even my dad said, "Don't you think you ought to stop?" But I stubbornly insisted upon putting lipstick on as well.
Because I was under pressure and my groom thought I didn't want to marry him, my hand was shaking and I ended up smearing the lipstick over my mouth.
I came out of the room looking like a clown.
Luckily my groom was good natured about it and saw the funny side, and the dream concluded with me washing all the make-up away and walking down the aisle with a fresh face.
Monday 26 October 2015
Dream Diary #85: Ride Or Die
I was on a fairground ride that simulated the deaths of characters from movies while the ride shook and rocked back and forth, so you not only had to virtually experience how they died, you had to stay on your feet as well.
Most of the deaths were fairly innocuous until they revealed that the next simulated death would be from a science fiction movie featuring an alien. I don't remember the exact movie but I do remember that the deaths in it were very violent and very painful.
I started to panic. How could they simulate this?
I tried to get off but it was too late. The animatronic alien was revealed so I closed my eyes tight and hoped for the best.
I remember being poked and prodded a little, but overall it wasn't so bad. I had survived!
As I got off, the ride monitor told me that because I survived until the end, I could pick anything I wanted from the gift shop and keep it for free. The shop was laid out like a market stall and was very jumbled, however I could see that the vast majority of the items were toys and many of them were Disney merchandise. I didn't want anything for myself, so I decided to pick something for my niece.
As I was getting it for free I wanted to be thorough as possible; I wanted something that was fairly good quality. I had it in my head that I wanted a Little Mermaid item and even came across the DVD, but the box was empty and squashed.
Before I began my search it seemed that there was an abundance of Little Mermaid items, but as soon as I began searching, they were no longer there. Instead, the items that started to stand out to me were Snow White ones, so that's what I ended up choosing.
Most of the deaths were fairly innocuous until they revealed that the next simulated death would be from a science fiction movie featuring an alien. I don't remember the exact movie but I do remember that the deaths in it were very violent and very painful.
I started to panic. How could they simulate this?
I tried to get off but it was too late. The animatronic alien was revealed so I closed my eyes tight and hoped for the best.
I remember being poked and prodded a little, but overall it wasn't so bad. I had survived!
As I got off, the ride monitor told me that because I survived until the end, I could pick anything I wanted from the gift shop and keep it for free. The shop was laid out like a market stall and was very jumbled, however I could see that the vast majority of the items were toys and many of them were Disney merchandise. I didn't want anything for myself, so I decided to pick something for my niece.
As I was getting it for free I wanted to be thorough as possible; I wanted something that was fairly good quality. I had it in my head that I wanted a Little Mermaid item and even came across the DVD, but the box was empty and squashed.
Before I began my search it seemed that there was an abundance of Little Mermaid items, but as soon as I began searching, they were no longer there. Instead, the items that started to stand out to me were Snow White ones, so that's what I ended up choosing.
Wednesday 7 October 2015
Dream Diary #84: Three Men and a Little Lady
My boyfriend and I had a fight and he stormed back to the USA without me. He shouted after me that I didn't have the money to follow him and I shouted back that that wasn't true.
While I did have the money, I just needed a little extra help and luckily there were two other guys that were willing.
One was an ex-boyfriend of many years ago, who is now very much a platonic friend in real-life.
The other was the ex of a friend, who barely acknowledges my existence in real-life.
Because of our history, and because I have personally witnessed the second guy strike out at his girlfriend in rage, I much preferred enlisting the help of my ex-boyfriend.
However, when I went over to his house to discuss the arrangements, his house- and his life- was as much in tatters as mine. I told him that I wouldn't feel right accepting his help in trying to sort my life out when he was fighting his own battles, but he insisted that he would be happy to do it.
I explained to him (both men actually) that I couldn't repay their kindness monetarily right away and I was in no way willing to exchange sexual favours, so helping me would be an act of pure mercy.
Despite my ex-boyfriend's insistence that he would still help, I declined anyway and went to the other guy for help.
To my surprise he was very kind, gentlemanly and helpful and whisked us both away on a first class flight and booked us into a fancy hotel when we arrived at our destination.
I worried that this meant he hadn't got the memo that I wouldn't do anything sexual with him in exchange for helping me, so I immediately started talking about my boyfriend and the mammoth task I had ahead of me trying to track him down.
I thought I'd successfully deterred him but when I went to sit down he leaned in and kissed me!
The kiss was nice and I knew it would never go any further than that, but his actions baffled me because I was not his usual, feisty type.
It turns out that he'd underestimated me and my determination and refusal to back down in the face of difficulties had caused him to see me in new light.
While I did have the money, I just needed a little extra help and luckily there were two other guys that were willing.
One was an ex-boyfriend of many years ago, who is now very much a platonic friend in real-life.
The other was the ex of a friend, who barely acknowledges my existence in real-life.
Because of our history, and because I have personally witnessed the second guy strike out at his girlfriend in rage, I much preferred enlisting the help of my ex-boyfriend.
However, when I went over to his house to discuss the arrangements, his house- and his life- was as much in tatters as mine. I told him that I wouldn't feel right accepting his help in trying to sort my life out when he was fighting his own battles, but he insisted that he would be happy to do it.
I explained to him (both men actually) that I couldn't repay their kindness monetarily right away and I was in no way willing to exchange sexual favours, so helping me would be an act of pure mercy.
Despite my ex-boyfriend's insistence that he would still help, I declined anyway and went to the other guy for help.
To my surprise he was very kind, gentlemanly and helpful and whisked us both away on a first class flight and booked us into a fancy hotel when we arrived at our destination.
I worried that this meant he hadn't got the memo that I wouldn't do anything sexual with him in exchange for helping me, so I immediately started talking about my boyfriend and the mammoth task I had ahead of me trying to track him down.
I thought I'd successfully deterred him but when I went to sit down he leaned in and kissed me!
The kiss was nice and I knew it would never go any further than that, but his actions baffled me because I was not his usual, feisty type.
It turns out that he'd underestimated me and my determination and refusal to back down in the face of difficulties had caused him to see me in new light.
Monday 28 September 2015
Dream Diary #83: To Russia, With Love
I was travelling with a group of friends. We were at the airport but at first, didn't know where we were going.
Then, the newest addition in the group revealed we were travelling to Russia because she had a long distance boyfriend there, and she wanted us to be there when she met him in person for the first time.
This reveal was tinged with sadness on my part because not too long ago I was the one with the long distance love and was overcome with happiness at being able to see and spend time with him and now that was no longer the case.
Because we were so underprepared for going to Russia we left the airport to pack properly. I couldn't find my winter coat or my scarf (they are still with my long distance love in real life) but I managed to borrow appropriate clothing that was a little big on me, but would do, and headed straight back to the airport.
We remarked how warm the airport was right up until we were waiting to board the plane where the temperature dropped significantly (which made no sense as we hadn't arrived in Russia yet).
They had us waiting in a tall, glass tower with an elevator at the end of it. The winds were so powerful that it made the tower sway and because we were so high it made me nauseous and I ended up either fainting or having to lie down to steady myself (I don't remember which.)
Tuesday 22 September 2015
Dream Diary #82: The Shadow
There was a late summer party taking place down the street but I wasn't feeling very social and was a bit anxious so I decided to stay home instead. Because of this, some people decided to take advantage of my being at home and left their kids with me to babysit. I wasn't interested in being there but I could see people outside, dressed up and walking across the street in the direction of the party.
Part of the way through the evening, I remarked on how calm and peaceful my evening was going and how I'd made the right decision, not going to a messy, troublesome party where I'd have to be social and make an effort to talk to people.
Then for some reason, the movie Halloween was on (an inappropriate movie to watch with very small children around) and suddenly I heard sounds coming from upstairs. I had a vision that the events of the movie were taking place upstairs.
Sure enough, before I could get upstairs to investigate, a tall, black shadowy figure came floating eerily down the stairs.
I somehow managed to get the majority of the kids out of the house and told them to run down the street to the party, until there was me and just one other child in the house.
The shadow cornered me and the child in the living room and all I could do was stand and watch hopelessly as it got closer and closer. I looked down at the child and realised I hadn't been looking after him all evening; it's like he appeared out of nowhere.
The child was glowing like a ghost and I realised that it was the child version of the shadowy figure and that's what it was after.
It sounds callous to write now, but I knew I had to sacrifice the child-ghost to the shadowy figure in order to save myself, so that's what I did.
I ended up at the party down the street anyway and the parents of the children I was babysitting praised me for my bravery, though I felt a fraud because of the child-ghost I left behind.
My relief was short lived when I realised the shadow was following me, though no-one else could sense it or see besides me.
I ended up fleeing to work in desperation.
In the dream, my workplace was a room full of dishwashers and cleaning equipment; I think it must have been the kitchen for a large hotel or other establishment.
My colleagues were surprised to see me there but I joined in with whatever activities were taking place and for a while I felt calm and relaxed.
Once again, this was short lived when a colleague burst in and said that an intruder had been spotted on the security camera and that it was heading straight for me.
Now, not only feeling afraid, but also tremendously guilty for bringing this onto my colleagues, we frantically went around the room turning off all the equipment and dimming all the lights in order to make the room look empty.
I went to the back of the room where there was a bathtub with an attached shower and shower curtain, where I ducked down and closed my eyes and prayed that the shadow didn't find me.
Part of the way through the evening, I remarked on how calm and peaceful my evening was going and how I'd made the right decision, not going to a messy, troublesome party where I'd have to be social and make an effort to talk to people.
Then for some reason, the movie Halloween was on (an inappropriate movie to watch with very small children around) and suddenly I heard sounds coming from upstairs. I had a vision that the events of the movie were taking place upstairs.
Sure enough, before I could get upstairs to investigate, a tall, black shadowy figure came floating eerily down the stairs.
I somehow managed to get the majority of the kids out of the house and told them to run down the street to the party, until there was me and just one other child in the house.
The shadow cornered me and the child in the living room and all I could do was stand and watch hopelessly as it got closer and closer. I looked down at the child and realised I hadn't been looking after him all evening; it's like he appeared out of nowhere.
The child was glowing like a ghost and I realised that it was the child version of the shadowy figure and that's what it was after.
It sounds callous to write now, but I knew I had to sacrifice the child-ghost to the shadowy figure in order to save myself, so that's what I did.
I ended up at the party down the street anyway and the parents of the children I was babysitting praised me for my bravery, though I felt a fraud because of the child-ghost I left behind.
My relief was short lived when I realised the shadow was following me, though no-one else could sense it or see besides me.
I ended up fleeing to work in desperation.
In the dream, my workplace was a room full of dishwashers and cleaning equipment; I think it must have been the kitchen for a large hotel or other establishment.
My colleagues were surprised to see me there but I joined in with whatever activities were taking place and for a while I felt calm and relaxed.
Once again, this was short lived when a colleague burst in and said that an intruder had been spotted on the security camera and that it was heading straight for me.
Now, not only feeling afraid, but also tremendously guilty for bringing this onto my colleagues, we frantically went around the room turning off all the equipment and dimming all the lights in order to make the room look empty.
I went to the back of the room where there was a bathtub with an attached shower and shower curtain, where I ducked down and closed my eyes and prayed that the shadow didn't find me.
Tuesday 8 September 2015
An Open Letter
Flashback to a dark, unremarkable October evening in 2005. I am minding my own business on the web forum we both used to frequent.
I notice that I have received a private message. It is from you.
You explain that you have noticed me on many of the same boards as you and I seemed interesting so you decided to contact me. I recognise your name from the boards in question and feel flattered that you want to talk to me.
We message each other back and forth over the next few nights before rounding off our conversation. I didn't think anything of it until a few nights later when you messaged me again; you had copied and pasted the Q+A from my profile and sent it me with your own answers where mine had been.
There was no real need to do this; our original conversation had been wrapped up, you just wanted an excuse to keep talking.
It was here I discover that you are quite a bit older than me and that makes your interest in what I think and have to say even more flattering, though I feel self-conscious and frustrated when I don't have an intellectual or insightful answer to your questions.
We continue to message each other most days for several months - you even send me a postcard when you travel to Antarctica, which I prop up behind my mirror as my most treasured possession.
When I travel to Corfu in October 2006, I don't remember if I send you a postcard, but I know that I sent you pictures of myself. So when you vanish shortly afterwards, I am left confused and upset.
Days and then weeks pass since our last correspondence and I miss you. I actually miss you. We'd never met and you don't owe me an explanation for living your life, but I couldn't shake the feeling that a vital part of my life was missing - even in those early days.
So when I log in to our web forum seven months (yes, I remember how many months) after we last communicated and see that you've been active, my heart leaps into my throat.
I forget who contacts whom first, but when we re-connect it's like no time whatsoever has passed. In fact, our time apart seems to bring us closer together and I notice that your attitude towards me is more flirtatious and suggestive and I can't shake the feeling that you seeing my photograph had something to do with that...
Shortly after this, in November 2007, my niece is born and shortly after that we exchange phone numbers and we speak on the phone for the first time.
As I dial the number my hands are shaking but as soon as I hear your voice I feel as though I've known you my whole life. Neither of us enjoy talking on the phone, but conversations could easily last two, three sometimes four hours or more!
My parents scold me for racking up the phone bill for calls to the USA but I don't care.
It's around this time I know that have I have developed feelings for you, but I am utterly petrified of revealing this to you. You constantly mention other women that are interested in you, or women that you are going on a date with - whether you are doing this to be honest, or to gauge my reaction, I don't know, but I err on the side of caution and don't fully reveal the full extent of my feelings to you.
During our lengthy correspondence, we talk of meeting up numerous times, but circumstances are just never favourable.
So, when you mention that you have the opportunity to work in Singapore, I don't get what your full intentions are. You say that when you mentioned that taking this job might lead to work in the UK and I didn't give you the 'right' reaction... from my side it just seemed to like you really wanted the job and was using the chance for working in the UK as an excuse to get me to give you my approval.
In truth, I really didn't want you to take the job; you'd be farther away and in a completely opposite time-zone that would make communication extremely hard, if not downright impossible.
And in a way, I was proved right when once again, you vanished. You say later that you didn't really vanish, but to me you were completely out of reach; therefore there's no two ways about it- you vanished!
During this time I had the most vivid, detailed dream (which anyone reading my blog will know I have) where I had been missing you deeply for several months and then I receive a phone call from you where mid-conversation I hear a child in the background; you are then forced to reveal that you have a wife/girlfriend and child and you were only calling me to let me know and relieve your conscience.
I am so traumatised by this dream that when I wake up, I delete any and all evidence of your existence or that I had ever had feelings for you. I had made my peace with never seeing or speaking to you again- just as long as you didn't call me to relieve your conscience. Anything but that.
I forget how many months you were absent this time and whether it was longer than the original seven months absence, I only know that when I woke up from a nap that unremarkable afternoon and I saw that you were following me on Twitter, any fearful feelings I felt melted away and I just couldn't wait to speak to you again.
Not long after this, we start to discuss meeting up in person for real, and you reveal to me that me being and living with you is something that you've thought a lot about and wanted for quite some time.
It sounds so stupid to say so now because looking back it seems so obvious, but the revelation comes as such a shock to me and when you say it, it makes so much sense; this is where I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to be with. This is exactly what I want too, it just took you coming out and saying it for me to realise it.
Unfortunately circumstance doesn't rule in our favour and it takes over a year before we meet in person in July 2013; and even then, I don't tell a single soul where I'm going- I barely even give you any warning and even though you have next to nothing, no money, no proper place to live I still think the world of you and want to be with you more than anything.
Stepping out of that cab and meeting you for the first time is such a high, such a rush I can't even put into words...
I don't even remember our first kiss, I just remember how I felt.
I want more than anything for you to ask me to stay, but I know that it isn't realistic so I return to the UK more depressed than ever.
If I thought that us meeting was the biggest hurdle we had to face I was wrong; it seemed that everything after that just seemed to go even further downhill, not just for you but for me too.
You think that I didn't care that you had difficulties, but I actually used to spend night after night unable to sleep, racking my brain as to how I could help you and crying myself to sleep when I couldn't do anything.
I guess that's why it's so hard for me to process why, after everything we've been through, you can't forgive me for being at my lowest point when I loved you and thought the world of you when you were at yours.
When I get back to the UK after my anxiety attack in June 2015, for some reason I get the bright idea to only contact you when I am returning; I want to surprise you.
I am haunted everyday by my decision to do this. I just keep thinking, if I had only contacted you one week earlier, five days earlier, one day earlier... would I have gotten to you before you vanish into thin air and we wouldn't be in this mess we're in?
I notice that I have received a private message. It is from you.
You explain that you have noticed me on many of the same boards as you and I seemed interesting so you decided to contact me. I recognise your name from the boards in question and feel flattered that you want to talk to me.
We message each other back and forth over the next few nights before rounding off our conversation. I didn't think anything of it until a few nights later when you messaged me again; you had copied and pasted the Q+A from my profile and sent it me with your own answers where mine had been.
There was no real need to do this; our original conversation had been wrapped up, you just wanted an excuse to keep talking.
It was here I discover that you are quite a bit older than me and that makes your interest in what I think and have to say even more flattering, though I feel self-conscious and frustrated when I don't have an intellectual or insightful answer to your questions.
We continue to message each other most days for several months - you even send me a postcard when you travel to Antarctica, which I prop up behind my mirror as my most treasured possession.
When I travel to Corfu in October 2006, I don't remember if I send you a postcard, but I know that I sent you pictures of myself. So when you vanish shortly afterwards, I am left confused and upset.
Days and then weeks pass since our last correspondence and I miss you. I actually miss you. We'd never met and you don't owe me an explanation for living your life, but I couldn't shake the feeling that a vital part of my life was missing - even in those early days.
So when I log in to our web forum seven months (yes, I remember how many months) after we last communicated and see that you've been active, my heart leaps into my throat.
I forget who contacts whom first, but when we re-connect it's like no time whatsoever has passed. In fact, our time apart seems to bring us closer together and I notice that your attitude towards me is more flirtatious and suggestive and I can't shake the feeling that you seeing my photograph had something to do with that...
Shortly after this, in November 2007, my niece is born and shortly after that we exchange phone numbers and we speak on the phone for the first time.
As I dial the number my hands are shaking but as soon as I hear your voice I feel as though I've known you my whole life. Neither of us enjoy talking on the phone, but conversations could easily last two, three sometimes four hours or more!
My parents scold me for racking up the phone bill for calls to the USA but I don't care.
It's around this time I know that have I have developed feelings for you, but I am utterly petrified of revealing this to you. You constantly mention other women that are interested in you, or women that you are going on a date with - whether you are doing this to be honest, or to gauge my reaction, I don't know, but I err on the side of caution and don't fully reveal the full extent of my feelings to you.
During our lengthy correspondence, we talk of meeting up numerous times, but circumstances are just never favourable.
So, when you mention that you have the opportunity to work in Singapore, I don't get what your full intentions are. You say that when you mentioned that taking this job might lead to work in the UK and I didn't give you the 'right' reaction... from my side it just seemed to like you really wanted the job and was using the chance for working in the UK as an excuse to get me to give you my approval.
In truth, I really didn't want you to take the job; you'd be farther away and in a completely opposite time-zone that would make communication extremely hard, if not downright impossible.
And in a way, I was proved right when once again, you vanished. You say later that you didn't really vanish, but to me you were completely out of reach; therefore there's no two ways about it- you vanished!
During this time I had the most vivid, detailed dream (which anyone reading my blog will know I have) where I had been missing you deeply for several months and then I receive a phone call from you where mid-conversation I hear a child in the background; you are then forced to reveal that you have a wife/girlfriend and child and you were only calling me to let me know and relieve your conscience.
I am so traumatised by this dream that when I wake up, I delete any and all evidence of your existence or that I had ever had feelings for you. I had made my peace with never seeing or speaking to you again- just as long as you didn't call me to relieve your conscience. Anything but that.
I forget how many months you were absent this time and whether it was longer than the original seven months absence, I only know that when I woke up from a nap that unremarkable afternoon and I saw that you were following me on Twitter, any fearful feelings I felt melted away and I just couldn't wait to speak to you again.
Not long after this, we start to discuss meeting up in person for real, and you reveal to me that me being and living with you is something that you've thought a lot about and wanted for quite some time.
It sounds so stupid to say so now because looking back it seems so obvious, but the revelation comes as such a shock to me and when you say it, it makes so much sense; this is where I am supposed to be and who I am supposed to be with. This is exactly what I want too, it just took you coming out and saying it for me to realise it.
Unfortunately circumstance doesn't rule in our favour and it takes over a year before we meet in person in July 2013; and even then, I don't tell a single soul where I'm going- I barely even give you any warning and even though you have next to nothing, no money, no proper place to live I still think the world of you and want to be with you more than anything.
Stepping out of that cab and meeting you for the first time is such a high, such a rush I can't even put into words...
I don't even remember our first kiss, I just remember how I felt.
I want more than anything for you to ask me to stay, but I know that it isn't realistic so I return to the UK more depressed than ever.
If I thought that us meeting was the biggest hurdle we had to face I was wrong; it seemed that everything after that just seemed to go even further downhill, not just for you but for me too.
You think that I didn't care that you had difficulties, but I actually used to spend night after night unable to sleep, racking my brain as to how I could help you and crying myself to sleep when I couldn't do anything.
I guess that's why it's so hard for me to process why, after everything we've been through, you can't forgive me for being at my lowest point when I loved you and thought the world of you when you were at yours.
When I get back to the UK after my anxiety attack in June 2015, for some reason I get the bright idea to only contact you when I am returning; I want to surprise you.
I am haunted everyday by my decision to do this. I just keep thinking, if I had only contacted you one week earlier, five days earlier, one day earlier... would I have gotten to you before you vanish into thin air and we wouldn't be in this mess we're in?
Wednesday 2 September 2015
Dream Diary #81: A Youtube Affair
I was wandering in a strange, deserted town by myself when I met with a youtube entertainer (who exists in real-life and no, I'm not going to name him!) and we rode across a field on a horse.
We didn't see any other people but we saw various different animals wandering about the town.
As the sun went down, we ended up kissing and making out on the field. Floating outside of myself I noticed he didn't look very happy so I stopped and chided him, saying "I know you're married but could you at least pretend to be enjoying it!"
He responded by saying his wife knows he often cheats and turns a blind eye.
The dream ended with me wandering the halls of a brightly lit hotel, where I presume we were going to take our affair to the next level.
We didn't see any other people but we saw various different animals wandering about the town.
As the sun went down, we ended up kissing and making out on the field. Floating outside of myself I noticed he didn't look very happy so I stopped and chided him, saying "I know you're married but could you at least pretend to be enjoying it!"
He responded by saying his wife knows he often cheats and turns a blind eye.
The dream ended with me wandering the halls of a brightly lit hotel, where I presume we were going to take our affair to the next level.
Sunday 30 August 2015
Dream Diary #80: The Littlest Project
I had started a new job at a supermarket.
I have worked in supermarkets in real-life before so the feeling was bittersweet especially when the supervisor came along and announced that the regional managers were visiting so the place had to look spotless (something I hated about supermarket work!)
I guess my job was supposed to be stacking the shelves or something, but I spent a great deal of time picking the rubbish off the floor and disposing of it.
So when I was given the task of rearranging a small vase of flowers I relished the opportunity. However, the flowers were mostly dead and it was hard to make them look nice, but as a naturally creative person I was determined to make them look as good as possible.
There seemed to be a lot of staff and not many jobs to do and pretty soon everyone was wading in on my little project, trying to undo and undermine the work I'd done, leaving me feeling dejected, sad and frustrated.
Trying to leave the supermarket for my lunch break, I was surprised to see that the entrance/exit resembled an airport. You had to go through a metal detector just to leave and enter the store!
Later, the supervisor kept trying to take me aside several times as she sensed that I was sad but due to the chaotic airport-like surroundings, we kept getting interrupted.
I have worked in supermarkets in real-life before so the feeling was bittersweet especially when the supervisor came along and announced that the regional managers were visiting so the place had to look spotless (something I hated about supermarket work!)
I guess my job was supposed to be stacking the shelves or something, but I spent a great deal of time picking the rubbish off the floor and disposing of it.
So when I was given the task of rearranging a small vase of flowers I relished the opportunity. However, the flowers were mostly dead and it was hard to make them look nice, but as a naturally creative person I was determined to make them look as good as possible.
There seemed to be a lot of staff and not many jobs to do and pretty soon everyone was wading in on my little project, trying to undo and undermine the work I'd done, leaving me feeling dejected, sad and frustrated.
Trying to leave the supermarket for my lunch break, I was surprised to see that the entrance/exit resembled an airport. You had to go through a metal detector just to leave and enter the store!
Later, the supervisor kept trying to take me aside several times as she sensed that I was sad but due to the chaotic airport-like surroundings, we kept getting interrupted.
Monday 24 August 2015
Dream Diary #79: Piece of Cake
I was attending a wedding and it was time to cut the cake but there didn't seem to be an appropriate knife or slicing tool available. In the end, I had to resort to using a meat cleaver to cut through the thick, pink icing.
I am the first to cut a piece from the cake, but when others see what I am eating, they follow suit and get a piece too.
In real-life, I don't eat a lot of cake as it gives me stomach ache, but in the dream it tasted so good that I had several slices.
The following morning, when it was time to return home I saw that we were flying on a private passenger plane!
As we were preparing to board, I realised that in addition to all the regular seating inside the plane, there were special re-inforced seats that extended out onto the wing.
My mum begged me to sit near her so she wouldn't have to speak with the rest of the family all the way home. I agreed though it meant I would be in a wing seat.
The plane was situated on a grassy airfield, preparing to take off. I sat in my seat, watching my niece play on the field with a stewardess.
Without warning, the plane began moving and a cardigan I had not yet put away flew off and onto the ground.
I yelled down at my niece to grab it and pass it up to me, though the stewardess reassured me that I had plenty of time before the plane took off so if I wanted to quickly jump down and get it myself, then I could.
As my niece had already picked up my fallen cardigan and was running towards the plane to give it to me, I stayed where I was.
Then suddenly, the plane lifted off the ground. Even the stewardess, who was supposed to be on the plane with us, looked shocked and confused, as if this wasn't supposed to happen.
I tried knocking on the side of the plane and yelling to get the pilot's attention, but to no avail. I could only watch as we flew higher and higher, the stewardess led my niece off the airfield and in the direction of the airport. I presume, to radio the plane and let the pilot know they had been left behind.
Even throughout the panic of this, the feeling of flying out on the wing like that, felt amazing!
Inside the plane, I asked the pilot of he had heard anything yet, and he said yes and had already been back and picked them up (I don't recall this happening) and suddenly my niece bounded up the plane, wanting to sit next to me.
I am the first to cut a piece from the cake, but when others see what I am eating, they follow suit and get a piece too.
In real-life, I don't eat a lot of cake as it gives me stomach ache, but in the dream it tasted so good that I had several slices.
The following morning, when it was time to return home I saw that we were flying on a private passenger plane!
As we were preparing to board, I realised that in addition to all the regular seating inside the plane, there were special re-inforced seats that extended out onto the wing.
My mum begged me to sit near her so she wouldn't have to speak with the rest of the family all the way home. I agreed though it meant I would be in a wing seat.
The plane was situated on a grassy airfield, preparing to take off. I sat in my seat, watching my niece play on the field with a stewardess.
Without warning, the plane began moving and a cardigan I had not yet put away flew off and onto the ground.
I yelled down at my niece to grab it and pass it up to me, though the stewardess reassured me that I had plenty of time before the plane took off so if I wanted to quickly jump down and get it myself, then I could.
As my niece had already picked up my fallen cardigan and was running towards the plane to give it to me, I stayed where I was.
Then suddenly, the plane lifted off the ground. Even the stewardess, who was supposed to be on the plane with us, looked shocked and confused, as if this wasn't supposed to happen.
I tried knocking on the side of the plane and yelling to get the pilot's attention, but to no avail. I could only watch as we flew higher and higher, the stewardess led my niece off the airfield and in the direction of the airport. I presume, to radio the plane and let the pilot know they had been left behind.
Even throughout the panic of this, the feeling of flying out on the wing like that, felt amazing!
Inside the plane, I asked the pilot of he had heard anything yet, and he said yes and had already been back and picked them up (I don't recall this happening) and suddenly my niece bounded up the plane, wanting to sit next to me.
Sunday 9 August 2015
Dream Diary #78: Asking for Directions
I was moving house with my small child in tow but wasn't sure if my boyfriend was coming with me or not.
Thankfully the kindly previous tennant, who was in the process of moving out, reassured me that everything would work out and as my boyfriends belongings were already in the property that must mean he would be there.
The house was very run down and dingy but there was a lot cool and interesting furniture, books and artifacts lying around. In the room that I had chosen as a bedroom there was an enormous writing desk and shelves stacked with hundreds of books above it.
In addition to being run down and dingy the house was enormous; there was seemingly no end to the rooms and little nooks and crannies in every corner.
My family were in the kitchen, scrubbing it clean.
I soon had to leave for a job interview so I was spending some time with my baby before I left. I reflected on the fact that everybody said how lucky I was that my boyfriend "agreed to have a baby so early in the relationship" - which made me feel warm and fuzzy within the context of the dream, but made me scratch my head when I woke up.
There was also a narrative that involved me watching and observing an outdoor display of some kind; the details are very muddled but I remember that I found it hard to keep a straight face and was often told off or told to be quiet.
On my way to the interview, I got lost and went inside another building to ask for directions. As it turned out, the building was host to an interview for another job I'd applied for and I was asked to take part.
The interview was done as a group, and became progressively like an audition, as we were asked to perform and do presentations. The louder and more colourful you were, the better. The final part of the interview/audition was performing a dance routine, which I thought was ludicrous as the job wasn't for a dancer or entertainer, but I kept my mouth shut and hung back.
The group was sectioned off into smaller groups and taken into a separate room to perform their routine. I was in the last group.
I don't remember much about the dance routine, but I know that I walked away feeling dejected and a failure.
Thankfully the kindly previous tennant, who was in the process of moving out, reassured me that everything would work out and as my boyfriends belongings were already in the property that must mean he would be there.
The house was very run down and dingy but there was a lot cool and interesting furniture, books and artifacts lying around. In the room that I had chosen as a bedroom there was an enormous writing desk and shelves stacked with hundreds of books above it.
In addition to being run down and dingy the house was enormous; there was seemingly no end to the rooms and little nooks and crannies in every corner.
My family were in the kitchen, scrubbing it clean.
I soon had to leave for a job interview so I was spending some time with my baby before I left. I reflected on the fact that everybody said how lucky I was that my boyfriend "agreed to have a baby so early in the relationship" - which made me feel warm and fuzzy within the context of the dream, but made me scratch my head when I woke up.
There was also a narrative that involved me watching and observing an outdoor display of some kind; the details are very muddled but I remember that I found it hard to keep a straight face and was often told off or told to be quiet.
On my way to the interview, I got lost and went inside another building to ask for directions. As it turned out, the building was host to an interview for another job I'd applied for and I was asked to take part.
The interview was done as a group, and became progressively like an audition, as we were asked to perform and do presentations. The louder and more colourful you were, the better. The final part of the interview/audition was performing a dance routine, which I thought was ludicrous as the job wasn't for a dancer or entertainer, but I kept my mouth shut and hung back.
The group was sectioned off into smaller groups and taken into a separate room to perform their routine. I was in the last group.
I don't remember much about the dance routine, but I know that I walked away feeling dejected and a failure.
Friday 7 August 2015
Dream Diary #77: Ancient History
I was taking part in a dinosaur themed reality game show, a la Jurassic Park.
Unlike the movie though, the dinosaurs were intentionally left to roam free and it was our mission to not only outsmart the dinosaurs and survive the game but to discover what happened to the previous contestants.
I think I started out as a crew member or a stand-by because I stood back watching others board the monorail that would take them into the park for the longest time. I was only encouraged to take part when a contestant didn't show.
Given the dangerousness of the game and the rickety state of the monorail, I didn't blame them. Even my subconscious wanted to impress upon me how risky it was as my dream zoomed in on the loose bolts of the machinery.
It was pretty obvious what had happened to the previous contestants; we would be lucky if we even survived the ride into the park!
There were various stereotypes aboard, including a latino couple who seemed to like arguing with one another constantly, and making up in very overly affectionate ways.
Upon entering the park we were immediately faced with a rather large dinosaur, similar to a T-rex, roaming around on the beach. It actually reminded me of walking around the world map of Final Fantasy VIII; a game I fell in love with as a teenager.
The beach was surrounded by tall rocks and I remember thinking, "If I'm cornered by a dangerous predator and there's no way out, I'll just climb onto those rocks and throw myself into the sea."
Strangely, the dinosaur didn't seem instantly hostile. It just seemed curious more than anything.
The exact details of how we escaped the dinosaur are fuzzy, but it involved the group working as a team and entrapping the creature in the rocks.
This bought us enough time to get across the beach and onto the next stage of the game where the biggest thing we had to survive was the latino couple who thought nothing of engaging in sexual activity in front of the whole group!
Unlike the movie though, the dinosaurs were intentionally left to roam free and it was our mission to not only outsmart the dinosaurs and survive the game but to discover what happened to the previous contestants.
I think I started out as a crew member or a stand-by because I stood back watching others board the monorail that would take them into the park for the longest time. I was only encouraged to take part when a contestant didn't show.
Given the dangerousness of the game and the rickety state of the monorail, I didn't blame them. Even my subconscious wanted to impress upon me how risky it was as my dream zoomed in on the loose bolts of the machinery.
It was pretty obvious what had happened to the previous contestants; we would be lucky if we even survived the ride into the park!
There were various stereotypes aboard, including a latino couple who seemed to like arguing with one another constantly, and making up in very overly affectionate ways.
Upon entering the park we were immediately faced with a rather large dinosaur, similar to a T-rex, roaming around on the beach. It actually reminded me of walking around the world map of Final Fantasy VIII; a game I fell in love with as a teenager.
The beach was surrounded by tall rocks and I remember thinking, "If I'm cornered by a dangerous predator and there's no way out, I'll just climb onto those rocks and throw myself into the sea."
Strangely, the dinosaur didn't seem instantly hostile. It just seemed curious more than anything.
The exact details of how we escaped the dinosaur are fuzzy, but it involved the group working as a team and entrapping the creature in the rocks.
This bought us enough time to get across the beach and onto the next stage of the game where the biggest thing we had to survive was the latino couple who thought nothing of engaging in sexual activity in front of the whole group!
Thursday 6 August 2015
Dream Diary #76: Four Corners Club
I was auditioning/interviewing for the Four Corners Club, an exclusive sorority of sorts. This entailed going to stay in an isolated house in the middle of the country with other fellow candidates.
Although everyone else seemed to be much taller and more confident than I, everything seemed to go okay at first. However, as with most environments where there are women competing against one another, it wasn't to last.
My troubles began with the teachers/instructors. They seemed to be on a warpath to seek out the weakest potential members. The trouble was, I seemed to be the only one they had it in for.
They took me aside as everyone was leaving the room and showed me a piece of paper covered in red ink. It was my application form, and they had critiqued it! They had even criticised how I'd written my address and how it made me an 'undesirable candidate' for the Four Corners Club.
Tears of hurt and anger ran down my face because no-one else was having the way they write their address ripped apart, I began to protest and defend myself but the instructors interpreted this as me 'having an attitude' and that, too, would go against me.
Humiliated and hurt, I moved on to the next class where everyone else was already waiting.
Even though I had been taken aside, the instructors weren't discreet in their approach and it was very obvious what they'd been doing and the kind of things they were saying - and that everyone knew.
And of course, as we were in competition with each other, no-one was particularly comforting or encouraging. I basically had to sit there as everyone sat smugly gloating that they weren't in the firing line.
One girl in particular decided to make her dislike of me very known. She loudly shouted "God, your voice is so annoying!" every time I spoke, and instead of defending me the instructor simply implied that I should just find a way 'to be less annoying.' It seemed like they encouraged and even enjoyed the rivalry.
After having endured the humilation all day and having no-one step in to defend me, I eventually snapped. Overcome with rage, I went for her looks and intelligence and screamed that she was 'a stupid, ugly idiot!' and she actually looked shocked and hurt, as if she'd never heard a bad word said about her in her whole life.
If her feelings were hurt, I didn't apologise or feel any remorse as she apparently had none for me. I stormed out.
I left feeling like I could at least count on the love and support from my boyfriend to help me feel better, but when I passed him on the way to my dorm, he saw the hurt on my face... and pretended he didn't see me!
That was more hurt than I was prepared to take and instead of confronting him, I just walked away. I didn't have any strength left to beg for his attention.
Back at the dorm, the tone and atmosphere of the dream changed.
It seemed that there was a party taking place, as some of the sorority members had decided to dress up in costume. One had dressed in a particularly frightening costume that resembled both the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz, and a clown!
At first it was all fun and games with them jumping out playfully trying to scare me, but I turned around as another member closed and locked the sliding doors behind me and turned off all the lights, leaving me and the witch/clown alone in the dark together.
Thursday 23 July 2015
Dream Diary #75: Revenge of the Passive
I was in primary school and it was the end of term, though I was in adult form with an adult brain and thoughts.
As I was clearing out my tray, I thought I heard a snide remark about me and turned around. A fellow classmate was standing there and it ignited feelings of anger and resentment towards her inside me, which I took to mean that she regularly bullied me in the context of the dream, as this is how I feel towards bullies in real life. I turned around and tried to ignore her.
Though she did resemble somebody I went to school with, she never bothered me; there were others who bothered me far more.
When it happened again and I heard her make another snide remark, rage bubbled up inside me and I confronted her.
Turns out she was making fun of the fact I was wearing a flower in my hair, and even though I was furious and getting really confrontational she refused to back down.
Her brazen and unapologetic attitude only made me angrier and I saw red! She began to walk away and I started to throw things and scream expletives at her - behaviour that would have caused me to get into more trouble than the initial bullying that caused the rage in the first place (a fact that annoys me in real life)!
Eventually, she disappeared from view and I resumed cleaning out my school tray. My actual, assigned tray with my name on was located close to the bully's but I had been using an unused tray with someone else's name, so I had two trays to clear.
I was minding my own business when the bully came to sit nearby to talk to the girl I shared a desk with. She had been so frightened by my outburst that she had actually come to apologise but was too afraid to approach me. I was in no mood to accept her apology anyway as I was looking through some photographs in my tray and they pictured my grandad and I together, and I was wearing a flower in my hair - which just made me even angrier that I was being bullied for it.
After not accepting her apology and making my feelings of anger very apparent, I finished clearing out my tray and began to walk home. The walk home was very soothing but as I turned to go down my usual route, there was a strange, spinning contraption at the end of the path.
As I got closer I saw that it resembled a wooden cubicle with slatted, sliding closet doors and it was spinning very fast - too fast for anyone to step inside!
I glanced around to see if there was anyone to explain what it was and I saw an elderly couple gardening just outside their home in the street. They were inventors and the contraption was their's but unfortunately I woke up before I could find out what it was supposed to do.
Read Dream diary entries 1-74
As I was clearing out my tray, I thought I heard a snide remark about me and turned around. A fellow classmate was standing there and it ignited feelings of anger and resentment towards her inside me, which I took to mean that she regularly bullied me in the context of the dream, as this is how I feel towards bullies in real life. I turned around and tried to ignore her.
Though she did resemble somebody I went to school with, she never bothered me; there were others who bothered me far more.
When it happened again and I heard her make another snide remark, rage bubbled up inside me and I confronted her.
Turns out she was making fun of the fact I was wearing a flower in my hair, and even though I was furious and getting really confrontational she refused to back down.
Her brazen and unapologetic attitude only made me angrier and I saw red! She began to walk away and I started to throw things and scream expletives at her - behaviour that would have caused me to get into more trouble than the initial bullying that caused the rage in the first place (a fact that annoys me in real life)!
Eventually, she disappeared from view and I resumed cleaning out my school tray. My actual, assigned tray with my name on was located close to the bully's but I had been using an unused tray with someone else's name, so I had two trays to clear.
I was minding my own business when the bully came to sit nearby to talk to the girl I shared a desk with. She had been so frightened by my outburst that she had actually come to apologise but was too afraid to approach me. I was in no mood to accept her apology anyway as I was looking through some photographs in my tray and they pictured my grandad and I together, and I was wearing a flower in my hair - which just made me even angrier that I was being bullied for it.
After not accepting her apology and making my feelings of anger very apparent, I finished clearing out my tray and began to walk home. The walk home was very soothing but as I turned to go down my usual route, there was a strange, spinning contraption at the end of the path.
As I got closer I saw that it resembled a wooden cubicle with slatted, sliding closet doors and it was spinning very fast - too fast for anyone to step inside!
I glanced around to see if there was anyone to explain what it was and I saw an elderly couple gardening just outside their home in the street. They were inventors and the contraption was their's but unfortunately I woke up before I could find out what it was supposed to do.
Read Dream diary entries 1-74
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