Dream Diary #100: Holding Out for a Hero

I was staying in a hotel with my family and we were hanging out in the dining area, which instead of a traditional restaurant, was more like a food court. 

The hotel grounds were being used as a film set for an action movie featuring superheroes (I think the recent influx of superhero crossover movies that are out or coming out have subconsciously affected me for some reason!) and much to my surprise and delight, myself and a few others were given roles as supporting superheroes!

They weren't lead roles or anything but they we would have actual screen time with a real character to play. 

For a short time, we just filmed back-to-back action scenes and after a while, it didn't feel like a movie any more; it started to feel real. I even surprised myself with just how much ass I could kick, and how much I enjoyed it. 

Then, it was time for the lead actor to film his scenes and myself and my fellow amateur actors gathered round to watch. Once again, the lines between reality and fantasy blurred and it was like watching an actual real-life superhero perform heroic stunts and save the day. 

After the actor finished his scene, the director called a time-out and gathered all of the actors together; the heroes on one side, the villains on the other. 

Apparently there had been some friction between some of the lead actors and it had affected the filming of the movie. 

As an amateur and a background character it didn't really concern me and instead found myself unable to concentrate on anything except the fact that I was sitting next to the lead. I watched as he took two pieces of gum out of his pocket and put them down between us.

I don't why but I assumed that one piece was for me and put it in my mouth, without thinking.

When I saw that he was sitting next to his brother (also an actor) and watched him lean towards him to ask him if he wanted a piece of gum, I tapped him on the hand and said, "Excuse me, but I accidentally ate a piece of your gum," expecting him to be mad.

Instead he gave me a warm smile, said "that's okay" and got another piece of gum out of his pocket.

It was brief non-interaction, but it made me feel so happy just to be acknowledged by him.

We wrapped up the day and I went back to my family, who were still in the food court for some reason. 

The following day I couldn't wait to put on my costume and become a superhero once again, but instead of a film set there was a wedding taking place. I looked around and all of the people who were my superhero team mates were now dressed as wedding guests. 

I asked what was going on and was told "We're playing wedding guests today."

Dream Diary #99: Love & War

I was going on a group date to the movies and was extremely nervous because it was going to be the first time my love and I were going to see each other in person since separating. We were the only single people in the group, so naturally everyone else would be splitting off into their respective couples leaving us to interact.

To my surprise, even though he wasn't as warm as he used to be towards me, he wasn't as closed off as I thought he would be, either. He initiated conversation many times and even suggested we sit together in the theatre, away from everyone else so that we would have privacy. 

As the show started, it felt like old times as we snuggled into one another.

The movie turned out to be an interactive theatre production and at intermission my love and I went to use the restroom, which appeared to be unisex as we went into the same room together.

We were laughing and joking and it seemed like nothing had changed between us. 

I finished before him and he told me not wait for him and to not miss the rest of the show, and like a fool I believed him. I went back to our seats and as more and more time passed I got a sick feeling in my stomach. "Oh no, not again," I told myself. 

I tried to distract myself by actively participating in the show but it was no use. I just knew in my gut he had disappeared again. I got up from my seat and started frantically running down the street trying to find him. 

My search took me to the seaside, where on one side of me was the town and on the other side was the beach and the ocean. 

Across the ocean in the distance was a huge bridge, which obviously extended to the other side but was covered in a thick fog, so I couldn't see the way. 

The scale of the bridge looked enormous and intimidating but I knew it was the way that would reunite me with my love.


In the next dream I was in a beautiful ocean side town where the buildings were painted white, so it looked like Spain, Portugal or similar Mediterranean adjacent country. 

I found myself standing on a sandy white beach looking upwards at one such building perched on a cliff side, overlooking the beach.

There was a war taking place elsewhere in the world, and while this town had not been affected, the beach had been sectioned off into plots where people could build shelters and fill it with their belongings and items for survival, and treat the beach as a kind of commune or camp. 

There wasn't a cloud in the sky as I looked up, but all of a sudden an unidentified object resembling a weather balloon floated into view and immediately a feeling of dread came over me.

The object was not a weather balloon but a stealth missile that floated towards it's target and then exploded upon impact. 

I watched as it hit the white building on the cliff before missiles started raining down on the beach just feet away from me, throwing sand into the air and obscuring my vision. 

I, along with the other commune friends, just started running towards the ocean with absolutely no idea of what I was going to do once I got there.

Dream Diary #98: Lost & Found

My boyfriend and I were living together and for some reason I couldn't, or thought I couldn't, stay. 

I broke the news to him and although he said he understood I could tell he wasn't okay with it.

Circumstances changed suddenly and it was okay for me to stay and he and I could be together. I was so happy I couldn't wait to tell him!

We were living in some non-specific neon, brightly lit busy city and I went shopping to buy some new clothes for my new life. I returned to our home in high spirits.

However, when I told him the new developments, he wouldn't believe me!

He started throwing my belongings into my suitcase and saying that if I hadn't wanted to leave then I wouldn't have said it, and since I said it first it was 'obviously what I really wanted.'

I tried to tell him that that wasn't true, I only said it because I thought I had no choice, but ultimately all my pleas fell on deaf ears. 

At some point he disappeared from the apartment and I found myself running through the city streets trying to find him, frantically trying to think of what he needed or wanted to hear from me to believe it was him I really wanted.

The dream then switched and I was living with a famous acting couple who had taken me in when I had nowhere else to go. They gave me acting jobs in their movies and having a new job and surroundings gave me a temporary distraction from the pain of being separated from my love. Plus, it meant I didn't have to go too far and put even more distance between us. 

However, things took a dark turn for me when I found myself in a blacked out room and was expected to strip down naked in front of strangers. It was unclear whether I was a prostitute or a porn actress.

As I took the last article of clothing from my body I tried telling myself that this was 'just a job' and that everything would be okay. 

Of course, I couldn't go through with it and just ran from the room. I didn't even stop to pick up any of my clothing, I just ran completely naked into the street.

I found myself wandering through the dark, empty back streets without a stitch of clothing on questioning how I went from living my dream life with the love of my life, to selling my body to strangers for money?

I wasn't cold; the air was humid and hot and it must have rained because the ground was covered in puddles.

I could make out a figure standing in the shadows a few feet away. It was my love; holding a blanket, which he wrapped around me.

I didn't ask him how he knew I was here, or why he had come; we just walked away together into the night, just grateful to be together again.

Dream Diary #97: Ethereal Guy

I was half-observing, half-participating.

A girl was jogging along a secluded beach when she discovered a mysterious man washed up on the shore.

He wasn't physically hurt, but seemed confused and excitable. He wasn't a local but was unable to tell the girl where he came from.

They ended up walking along the beach and then the town together, just talking and having fun, until they had spent the best part of the day with each other. It seemed as though he was seeing and experiencing some of the things they were doing for the very first time and the girl was enjoying showing them to him. 

It was becoming very clear that she was falling very much in love with him.

At first she assumed that he was an angel that had fallen to earth because of his mysterious origins and innocent personality.

It turned out she was very close, as he was actually a mer-man from the ocean!

After spending the day together on land, he took her on a tour of his world under the sea. They interacted with the other marine creatures that they met along the way, and he took great delight in showing off his prowess by demonstrating how high he could breach the surface of the water, like a killer whale. 

This is where I stopped observing and became a participant in the dream because he then grabbed my hand and took me up with him. The entire experience was breathtaking and otherworldly.

The girl reluctantly returned to her life on land, with only a vague promise that they would meet again, but it quickly became apparent her encounter with him had changed her life forever. She no longer fit in with her family or peers and life now just seemed all the more mundane and dull in comparison. 

The Ghost of Green Lane

Green Lane

I was heading towards the shops one evening, in December. It was only about 5 PM, but because of the time of year, it was already quite dark. Nevertheless, I decided to walk through the lane, which is quite creepy and enclosed by trees and shrubbery. I usually avoid this route at all costs when I have to walk home at night, but it was only early evening so I wasn't put off. 

I quickly changed my mind though, when I approached the lane, I saw a shadowy figure standing in the path under the street lamp. I didn't get a good look at them but it looked like they were waiting for someone. Feeling uneasy, I chose to go in the opposite direction of the one I was intending, and decided to head towards the main road. 

After briskly walking several paces, I glanced over my shoulder. To my horror, the figure was only standing a few feet away! It looked like they had followed me, then stopped.  

Of course after that, I started running. Eventually I made it to the main road and continued on my way, putting the panic I felt to to the back of my mind.  

Then, just the other night, after having a meal with some friends, I found out about an urban legend of a ghost that haunts the lane and how it had warded her friends away from danger once. This triggered my memory of that evening and how upon seeing the figure in the lane, my first instinct was to change the route I was intending on travelling in...

(Originally written in 2013)

I Eat Happy Meals... Ironically.

Artwork by Matthew Johnstone

When I discovered that Winston Churchill referred to his depression as 'the black dog', I initially found it puzzling. Personally, when I think of a black dog the first image that comes to mind is that of a cute and faithful labrador, a cuddly, loyal companion.

Whilst I admit that depression is nothing if not a loyal beast, what I felt was more akin to being trapped in a steel cage with a rabid, hungry rottweiler. 

Loyal, yes. Cute and cuddly it is not. 

I used to think of my depression as more of a black cloud, though this could be in part due to the fact that one of the main triggers for me is the weather. Rain, I can handle. Thunderstorms, I love. But give me a grey, gloomy day with no discernable purpose other than to block out the sun and blue sky and I am inconsolable. Give me days, weeks even months of this and it's like I lose the will to live. 

That is not to say I don't get down in warmer weather; this is just the one that seems to affect me the most. 

If you choose to be open about your depression, and it isn't always easy to do so, you can always tell when you speak to someone who has not experienced it. 

Some of the most common things that people tell you, "you just need to cheer up" or "snap out of it". Also, "Do more exercise", "stop being so dramatic" and "there are people in this world so much worse off than you."

At it's worst, depression can be just as debilitating and crippling as any physical illness yet no-one would ever dream of  telling someone suffering from physical pain to "cheer up" and pretend it's not there. 

At the risk of sounding 'dramatic' I would even go so far as to describe depression as a cancer or disease of the human spirit, capable of robbing you of everything from your self-esteem, to your will to get up and get dressed in the morning. And unlike many physical diseases there is no one single 'miracle cure,' and everyone who suffers from depression will deal with it differently. 

I could go into the science of depression, chemical imbalances of the brain and whether or not there is a 'depression gene', but I'm not a scientist. I am a writer; I am here for the prose and breaking my feelings down into manageable, happy meal style portions!

Ever since I can remember, I have found it helpful to write my problems down on paper. Three, two, even one week ago I didn't have the will to even do that, so I feel as though I accomplished something just in having written this down today. 

Because I want to end this piece on a high note, I thought I would share one of my favourite things that I discovered whilst researching 'the black dog'; the book I Had a Black Dog by Matthew Johnstone whose illustrations put a genuine smile on my face at a time when I needed it most.

(Originally written in 2013)