Dream Diary #115: Critical Thinking

I was in an art class, but not a class that a person would take in adulthood; it was like being in a school classroom, or more specifically, like being at primary or nursery school but I still had the mind of an adult.

I didn't enjoy school whilst I was there, but I was happy that I was in an art class because it was a subject I always tended to be good at and because I still had my adult mind, I knew that I could draw like my adult self, too.

My drawings aren't amazing on a technical level by any means, but I knew that my style would look impressive coming from a child of primary/nursery school age. 

The exercise we were given was a test but I didn't feel the usual test anxiety I normally get when I know I'm being judged and assessed, because it was a subject I was passionate about.

I drew a black unicorn with wings flying through space with a neon rainbow in the background. Within the dream, I got so far and sensed I should stop while the drawing still looked good (something I do in real-life as well), but I got carried away and coloured the background in black too, which had the effect of lessening the impact of the unicorn in the foreground.

The end result wasn't terrible but I couldn't help but wish I'd coloured the background in a different colour.

However, when it came to showing our work, the teachers and other classmates were really impressed and crowded round my drawing, praising it.

Meanwhile, while I didn't think my drawing was awful, I was all too aware of my work's imperfections and couldn't stop myself from picking it apart.

Dream Diary #114: Ignorance is not Bliss

I got the unique opportunity to stay with my love's family for a little while. I was excited at first, but while his family were perfectly friendly and accepting of me, my love just went out of his way to ignore and avoid me. 

He was working as DJ in a nightclub, which is very odd because being a DJ is an overly social and outgoing job that I know he would hate to have in real-life, but it meant that he could avoid me by working at night and sleeping throughout the day. 

The little I did see of him, he would enter the room and make an effort to talk to everyone but me. One evening, I thought he was taking me to work with him but instead he led me to a woman he'd been dating's house and proceeded to come onto her in front of me, knowing full well that I was watching. The woman was clearly uncomfortable as he was going out of his way to not acknowledge my existence, even though it was obvious he knew me and that I was there with him.

I felt so incredibly sad because I couldn't understand what I'd done that warranted such prolonged punishment and cruelty. How was it easier for him to ignore me than to just listen to what I had to say? 

I experienced a brief respite from the situation when we ended up in either an old church or some kind of museum where the interior resembled a church together; we still weren't exactly friends but the shared common interest of history and art provided a distraction from our issues. I even found the courage to wander off alone and not care whether or not he would talk to me because I wanted to enjoy my surroundings. Ironically, I could feel him watch me, like he didn't want me to leave him.

Dream Diary #113: Game of Homes

For some reason, my mother, my sister and I had moved into a new house together, along with my sister's kids without my father and sister's husband.

Even though the house was located in a fairly urban setting, it seemed really isolated and cut off from the rest of the world. This feeling was exacerbated by the fact that the town seemed to be in a perpetual state of twilight and the house was in disrepair, almost derelict even.

However, one of the amazing things about the house was the garden which had an enormous pond-like swimming pool. 

The pool, like the house, was shabby and overgrown with plant life. The water was crystal clear and you could see an overabundance of pond scum and algae clinging to the bottom. In spite of this, I was very excited at the prospect of having our very own pool in our backyard and wanted to jump right in, even though it hadn't been cleaned yet. 

As it turned out, I didn't even need to go directly into the water to enjoy it as the various plants and flowers were sentient, interactive beings! I had so much fun sitting on the lily pads and letting them float me around the water. The plants even started to play games with me, creating little assault courses on top of the water.

It was like seeing the world through the eyes of a child again, where everything was a potential game or adventure.

Eventually, I was called to go inside, and just as my sister and I were about to enter the doorway to the house, my sister slipped and fell. At first, I thought she'd slipped on water but she said that it was amniotic fluid and that 'the doctor had warned her this might happen'. I was very puzzled because although my sister has had three children in real-life, they were all born via c-section and she has not given birth that recently, nor was there any indication that she had done so recently in the dream either.

Nevertheless, an ambulance was called, and for some reason the presence of the emergency services brought everyone in the neighbourhood out of their hiding places as dozens of people crowded round to see what was going on.

I, too, was concerned about my sister but I was also conscious about getting in the way of the paramedics doing their job so I hung back and observed from afar.

Dream Diary #112: Oh, Baby

I was in the middle of a vacation at a luxury resort when I discovered that I was pregnant. Instinctively, I knew that the father was my Love, even though we haven't seen each other in almost a year and a half. I hadn't had a relationship or even slept with anyone else in the meantime, so the news came as a massive shock.

It was as if we had conceived the baby on another plane of existence and I was devastated because ultimately I was the one who was going to be left to raise it as a single mother, while his physical self didn't acknowledge me at all. It just didn't seem fair!

Also, the news had come at such an inconvenient time as I had just moved house and started a new job after being unemployed for an extended period of time and as I was so unprepared I feared I would have to move back in with my family for support.

I seriously considered a termination but an ultrasound revealed that I was already 22 weeks along and a termination would probably mean going through labour just to give birth to a dead or dying baby, which I obviously didn't want to do.

The ultrasound also showed that the baby was a girl and something inside me told me that she was going to grow up and become an important and influential figure in humanity (hence why the powers that be had ensured her conception, despite mine and her father's lack of physical proximity) so I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

As I knew my Love wouldn't respond, I felt that I should call my Love's mother, out of courtesy, to tell her the news even though it would be such an awkward conversation to have.

My family was incredibly supportive even though they were as baffled by the situation as I was.

Dream Diary #111: Talk to the Hand 'cause the Heart Ain't Listening

I somehow found myself unexpectedly dating a guy at work. On paper, he was ideal boyfriend material; attractive, had a good job and seemed like a nice person but it puzzled me how we had gotten together in the first place as I hadn't pursued him and it seemed as though we had virtually nothing of substance in common; he seemed really down to earth and I felt as though I would have to stifle my quirky tendencies around him.

Also, there were far prettier women than me that were attracted to him, who seemed as though they'd be more on his wavelength, but for whatever reason, he'd picked me. 

My colleagues started treating me differently and with more respect, as the guy was in a position of some authority and since there was no 'real' reason for me not to like him, I found myself going along with the whole thing in spite of my doubts.

I experienced a brief moment of a jet-set lifestyle as I flew to a nondescript store in the USA to browse art supplies. My littlest toddler nephew was holding onto my hand as we left the store and as we did so, a sense of peace washed over me as if I had suddenly 'come home.' My memory was suddenly triggered and I remembered I had a True Love and that I was supposed to be here with him.

I realised my life at home was not authentic to who I truly was and found myself finding excuses not to leave. I muttered to my nephew that I should drive us to the beach but I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable. I had to face up to the situation some time.

To my dismay, I came home to find out that my boyfriend had booked us a weekend away and had bragged about all the sexual things he was going to do with me whilst there to everyone at work and suddenly all the prestige and fanfare that came with being the girlfriend of a popular, lusted after guy in the workplace that had seemed somewhat appealing at first, became repulsive to me. Besides, we still barely even knew each other and I couldn't even recall one unique quality about him that set him apart from any other attractive man I'd met. It became apparent that his attraction to me was highly superficial.

I couldn't go through the motions of a relationship just to please other people so I had to break up with him regardless of whether others would understand my reasons for doing so. I started to cry because I couldn't believe how disconnected I felt towards my surroundings.

Dream Diary #110: Going Underground

I had relocated to another country in order to work and study. After trying to organise my working life around the people I didn't like, it was time to organise sleeping arrangements in the dormitories. Apparently, I had to live with the people I was working with and it turned out that my bed was situated right next to the fridge and dining area and I thought of how inconvenient that would be for me trying to sleep and relax with a constant stream of people coming back and forth to eat and prepare food nearby.

However, I didn't give it too much thought as there were other, more important things on my mind. I was now living in the same town as my Love, or the town I'd last known him to be living in (I know he moves around a lot) and even though we hadn't been in contact and I had no idea if he'd like to be, all I could think about was going to see him. There was just one problem; I didn't know where he was!

I hadn't even unpacked any of my clothes, so I had to improvise and decided that I would just wander about the town in the hope of bumping into him. Our paths were bound to cross eventually, right?

It turned out I was in luck as someone recognised me from living there before and she approached me and asked, "You're looking for him aren't you?" 

I nodded and she led me to an underground 'Hobbit'-style cave. I went inside and found my Love asleep in bed, even though it was daylight outside. I suspected he had gone to bed after working through the night, so I just sat quietly in a chair and waited for him to wake up. 

When he woke, he wasn't exactly jumping for joy to see me but he wasn't overly surprised either - almost like he'd been expecting me to be there.

We had a lot of catching up to do, but perhaps the most surprising thing of all was that, in our hiatus, he had taken up photography as a hobby (which is weird because he doesn't like photographs) but he preferred to use a polaroid camera instead of a digital one and took time to show me each snapshot that he'd taken. 

In another (brief) part of my dream, it seemed as though we had joined forces again as I have cut my thumb in real-life, but I dreamt that the government were after me because I had a vial of my blood and they wanted it for some reason. My Love was helping me to hide it, which was no easy task seeing as though the house we were in was completely empty with no furniture at all. 

We managed to disguise it sufficiently under a pile of rags just as the government were banging on the door. He took my hand and told me not to worry because he'd protect me.

Dream Diary #109: Desperate Times

Far away from home and with limited opportunities available to me, I found myself, along with two other women, recruited by a local pimp into a prostitution ring, telling myself I would only do it for as long as I needed to until I had enough money saved to make a brand new start. 

It started out simple enough - the pimp expected the other two girls and I to work together to seduce our clients and to give them a good time. While group sex doesn't appeal to me in real-life, in the dream it helped to make me feel less alone and scared.

However, things took a sinister turn when the pimp revealed he not only expected us to have sex with our clients but to kill them afterwards, too!

He didn't care how we went about it, but implied that the more creativity we displayed the more favourable treatment and payment we would receive. He also implied that he was not above killing or severely punishing any of us if we didn't do as we were told.

Horrified, but determined to reach my financial goals in order to make a new start, I sold my soul to the devil and agreed.

To my shock and horror it was surprisingly easy to lure my client to their death as I straddled them and plunged a sharp object into their neck, 'Basic Instinct' style. I don't think I had even gotten to the stage of having sex - I had just jumped straight into murdering them!

The other women, who were still in the process of seducing their clients, looked around in disbelief that I had found it so easy.

Horrified at what I'd done, I fled, taking whatever money the pimp had paid me thus far. I didn't even stop to ask if the other women wanted to come with me, figuring that everyone has to be responsible for their own destiny and I had to look out for number one. If they wanted to escape so badly, then they will.

I knew instinctively that the pimp was furious with me and would stop at nothing until he had tracked me down and killed me. I knew he'd find me eventually, so I did everything I could to bide as much time as possible. I cut and dyed my hair, assumed a different name and went to a train station to catch the next train out of the country. 

The dream then switched completely and I found myself at home with two twin infants - a boy and girl - left in a bucket inside my room. They had been freshly changed and fed at the time of being left there so I went about my day as usual.

However, days passed and they were still there. I started to think, "Hang on a minute, where are the parents and why aren't they coming to collect their babies?" until it was pointed out to me that they were in fact, my babies!

I couldn't even recall being pregnant or giving birth but I immediately felt guilty for neglecting them.

I lifted them out of the bucket and while they were both hungry with messy nappies, physically the boy was fine, but the little girl had a dislocated leg - and by dislocated I mean it had popped off like a doll's leg. I remember feeling scared that social services would be on my case, which I thought was highly unfair since I didn't know how I was expected to be a good mother when until a few moments before I didn't even realise I was one!

Luckily, not only did the baby's leg pop off like a doll's leg, but it popped back in like one, too.

Dream Diary #108: Change of Heart

I was living in a converted garage/motel with my Love but things weren't going so well. Due to outside influences, most notably our family members, things were tense between us. Fed up with things never going right between us or others trying to put obstacles in the way, we separated and he made me move to another part of the garage, into my own room because he couldn't bear to see me if I was just going to leave.

Feeling isolated and lonely I contacted my family and told them I was coming home. It would be a while before I could go though, so I decided to go by myself to a movie. But when I got to the movie theatre (which I'm sure I've visited in dreams before) I couldn't remember the name of the movie I wanted to see and had to engage in a game of charades to get it out because I couldn't verbalise the words properly.

During the movie, a rare glimpse of my real-life situation penetrated the dream and I found myself thinking 'If I leave, it will be the worst mistake of my life' and I knew then I had to stay and turn the situation around. I rushed home from the movie full of excitement and determination - and relief that I hadn't left it too late. I hadn't left the country, so there was still hope.

When I first arrived home my Love was nowhere to be found. The garage was a complete mess which suggested he hadn't been in the greatest of moods since I left. When I found him, he was laying down a makeshift bed out of junk at the back of the room. Puzzled, I asked him why. He told me his sister was moving in with us for a while. Apparently, she was tired of having a charmed, easy life and having everything laid on a plate for her. She was jealous of the intense love he and I shared and wanted to be around us for a while.

I couldn't fathom why anyone would want to struggle when they didn't have to but my Love reasoned that it was just his family's way of putting more obstacles in our way.

It was obvious he hadn't told them that we were currently living separately, and he went to lie down on his bed and sulk.

I knelt beside the bed and told him that I wouldn't be going anywhere and that I would do whatever it takes for us to be together. Stubbornly, he refused to believe me and it wasn't until I climbed into the bed and had sex with him - even though his sister was due at any moment - that he realised I meant business. 

Sure enough, his sister arrived and set about complaining and finding fault with everything. It was clear why she had never experienced a love like ours - she just wasn't capable.

My family dropped by and asked if everything was okay, because they hadn't heard from me in a while and I told them that I was fine and our previous conversation had been a false alarm.

Dream Diary #107: Point of No Return

Myself and a friend were taking a walk through the woods together. She lived on one side of the woods, and I lived on the other. We hadn't seen each other for a while so we had a lot to talk about.

At first, everything was fine but things took a creepy turn when we started to suspect that we were being followed. Just to be sure, we meandered through the trees, to try and trick our pursuers - and sure enough they followed. 

It turns out they were hunters, but to them, my friend and I looked like mythical creatures that they had come into the woods to hunt down. 

Once again, my friend and I ran through the woods in an attempt to lose them, but no matter where we went, the hunter's followed close behind.

My friend confessed there was a way out of the situation, but she didn't mention it earlier because if we go through with it, there was no going back - if we followed the path right to the other side of the woods, where she lived, the hunters would not be able to find us, but we also wouldn't be able to go back. I wouldn't be able to go back to my old life. 

At first I was scared but we held one another's hand as we ran full-force down the path and through to the other side of the woods. 

We emerged in a sleepy little town and my fear quickly turned into excitement. My friend took me to her home that she told me was a 'homeless shelter' but looked more like a luxury hotel. The shelter was populated, not with people who were 'homeless' per se, but by those who were no longer suited to their old life, but had not yet grown into their future life and needed a place to crash while they worked out the finer details.

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 6: Rebel Hearts

So I took the road less travelled by

And I barely made it out alive 

Through the darkness somehow I survived

Tough Love - I knew it from the start

Deep down in the depths of my Rebel Heart

--Rebel Heart, Madonna

I felt like I had been held underwater for years then suddenly reached the surface and took a deep breath of fresh air.

I felt like I had just returned from war; dazed and confused, but grateful to be alive. 

And slowly, gradually, bit-by-bit... out of the ashes the 'real' me started to emerge. The me that had been buried under the rubble of depression, anxiety, fear of failure for longer than I'd ever realised. The me that didn't let the fearful voices of others discourage me from my desires - which I had regretfully done when fleeing my relationship.

Binaural beat meditation is seriously the closest thing I have ever experienced to a miracle in my life; within days of the first time doing it, I took a walk and I felt as though I was gliding down the street! A huge contrast to the person who just weeks before had walked down the street practically snarling at strangers. 

This relief was undermined only slightly by the lingering thought that, is that all that was wrong with me - a faulty switch in the brain? And all it took was just a flick of that switch and 'poof!' I functioned as a normal human being again? If I had discovered that a year before, would my life have turned out completely different?

I guess I'll never know now.

It was my experience with binaural beats that led me to retrain as a hypnotherapy practitioner and am currently in the process of wrapping up my studies. Another curious side effect of all that I'd experienced was the overwhelming feeling that I'd just 'evolved past' the mundane customer service positions I had previously worked in for years, just to get by.

I felt my sense of humour return and suddenly I was funny again! My creativity burst forth and I found myself with an insatiable desire to create, create, create. Even now, I get the idea for a photograph in my head and I can't rest until I've made it a reality. I know it's easy to criticise social media, but I am very thankful for my twitter and Instagram accounts which have provided me with a great outlet for therapy and creativity throughout this whole process. 

I was reluctant to put my experiences into words at first because although I have no idea if my Love reads any of my social media anymore, what if he looked me up one day and found this piece of writing? Would he think I was a lunatic? 

In the end I reasoned that, firstly, I literally couldn't rest until I'd put my story out there. I wasn't kidding when I said my innate desire to create had become insatiable. The words were literally begging to jump out of my head and into reality. Secondly, he has free will - if he comes across this piece and has a problem with anything I've written, he is more than welcome to challenge or disagree with me. And thirdly, he witnessed much of what I've written with his own eyes; he literally watched me turn from a jet-legged, but hopeful and excited young woman into the human equivalent of a crumpled piece of paper. He has very little wriggle room to argue.

It's not important to me whether he agrees with me or not. I don't need him to validate my experiences; I already know what I've been through. I don't care if he thinks of me as his 'twin flame' - in fact, I'd much rather he didn't think of me as his twin flame and that way he might be able to talk and interact with me like a regular human being! It's way more important to me that we communicate, rather than give one another fancy labels. 

I'm pretty sure that if he were to look at my social media he'd probably think I'd flipped my lid anyway, seeing as though - in the interest of becoming more authentic and true to myself - I've become way more outspoken in my spiritual, pseudo-scientific beliefs (that despite having a certain level of credible evidence to support them, are still derided upon in some scientific circles) but truth be told, they were always my beliefs! They may have gotten buried along with other things about myself - but they were always there. 

Besides, he knows. He may choose to not label it in this way, but he knows. He knew even before I knew! 

All twin flames know their innate relationship to one another, more or less, to some degree. Sometimes it's buried deep down. Sometimes it's buried deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down. But they know.

So you see, it hasn't been all doom and gloom, some good has come out of the silent treatment (and you have no idea how loathe I am to admit that!), and yet in spite of all the progress I have made, at the time of concluding this particular piece, he remains just as 'shut down' upon me as he was back in October. Disheartening as that is, after much reflection and brain-racking as to why that might be, I suspect that it is largely to do with the fact that in spite of all the good that has come of this, I am still struggling to forgive myself for my actions; I am by far my own harshest critic. After he told me that he was 'very disappointed' in me, my first instinct was to scream out, 'No-one is more disappointed in myself than I am - I don't need you, of all people, heaping your disappointment upon me!' And how am I supposed to expect him to forgive me, if I can't even forgive myself? 

It's extremely common for Twin Flames on the verge of 'awakening' to retreat to, or be 'pulled back to' toxic situations or relationships that they have long outgrown in order to transform and realise their full potential - and that was definitely true for me when coming back to my home-town. I can't even begin to describe what a dislodged Tetris piece I feel right now.

I may be where I've 'needed to be' in order for all of this to happen, but I am not where I belong.

I'm no longer afraid to put pictures or videos of me enjoying time with my family on social media; to me it's just me enjoying the moment and making memories until I'm ready to move onto the next natural progression in my life - not a 'do not disturb' badge. To do otherwise, would not be me being authentic. If he doesn't get that, that's his perception, not my intention. 

I love and miss him so very, very much. It's a love I barely know what to do with. He will never not be welcome in my life. I try not to think of what lies he tells himself in order to justify why he can't just talk to me, but I sincerely hope it's not a futile attempt to get me to realise I can 'do better' when there isn't a single person on this planet who has done, can do, and will continue to do what he has done for me. 

There's nothing I would've loved more than to just have discussed this directly with him, and to never have written this piece (which started out as one piece - can you believe that?) at all; but maybe, just maybe it was 'meant' to be this way?

I got the idea for this piece of writing many months before putting pen to paper, but as there was a specific approach I wanted to take, it took me a while to gather the right words together; I wanted to write my story in such a way that made it palatable to people who are not spiritually inclined. I wanted to leave out the esoteric parts about 'soul contracts'  and 'missions' (though I'm not necessarily denying that those things exist) and focus more on the aspects that are observable and tangible to even the most sceptic of believers. After all haven't we all known that one couple, you know the one, that no matter what happens, no matter who else comes into their life, no matter what obstacles come their way, they always somehow, someway, find their way back to one another?

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 5: Gravity of Love

Turn around, I can smell what you can't see

Close your eyes, it's so clear

Here's the mirror, behind there is a screen

On both ways you can get in

Don't think twice, before you listen to your heart

Follow the trace for a new start

--Gravity of Love, Enigma

After discovering the devastating truth behind my situation - and I knew it was the truth, no matter how much I wanted to deny it - and the pain of realising what I was really up against began to subside, came forth an unfathomable anger; an anger so fierce it flowed through my veins like molten lava.

I remember cursing loudly at a pedestrian that walked in front of me and cut me off on the street and calling a customer 'illiterate and stupid' within earshot of them at my job. The customer made a complaint about me of course, but I was nearing the end of my contract anyway and basically didn't care. I had all but checked out of humanity by this point and they both kinda deserved it anyway. 

I broke crockery when I slammed a metal spoon into a my cereal bowl so hard it smashed into a million pieces. I then had the embarrassing task of explaining how it'd broken due to me 'dropping' it - despite the fact that the room I was in at the time was carpeted. 

I chipped one of my bottom teeth through grinding my jaw due to stress.

My grandmother - who suffered the initial fall that caused her broken neck in May - passed away towards the end of November, peacefully, surrounded by her children (my aunts and father.)

I was still in the early stages of learning about Twin Flames and how the dynamic worked, so without really thinking about it and looking for some emotional support and comfort, I shot my Love an email shortly after I heard the news to let him know. Surely, the gravity of a bereavement and a decade of being in love and supporting one another was stronger and more powerful than the pain caused by misunderstanding and miscommunication right?

But even that went ignored. He couldn't even squeak out a simple 'sorry for your loss' and I was angry; my God was I angry!

I'm ashamed to say I lashed out at him more than once, but at the time it felt entirely justified. 

You'd think that with my Love and I's relationship being mostly long-distance, we wouldn't have experienced all the much together, but we actually went through a lot. We watched live coverage of the 2013 Oklahoma tornado together. When he was unexpectedly fired from his job I stayed online for hours to offer him emotional support, even though I was supposed to be babysitting. When he came back from Singapore he had to live with his father for a while, and when that came to an end, I gave him every penny I had (which wasn't a lot) to see him through. 

I didn't do any of that to 'get something in return'; even later when he tried to tell me he owed me the money back, I told him I didn't want it. All I wanted was to be with him and have a wonderful life together.

Instead, I was out of pocket for an apartment I had helped to obtain and told not to return to, living in a town that I had outgrown with seemingly no (easy) way out (because I was out of pocket), surrounded by people that hadn't the ability to comprehend what I was experiencing and dealing with my first real bereavement and everywhere I turned to for comfort, everything I was going through was chalked up to 'healing' and 'growth.' After being there for and comforting one another for years, suddenly it was 'wrong' to seek him out, because it's 'co-dependent.' 

Well, let me tell you, watching my cousins carry my grandmother's coffin down the aisle of my town's local church, I couldn't care less about being 'healed of my co-dependence'; even surrounded with literally hundreds of my grandmother's family and friends, I had never, ever felt so excruciatingly alone in my entire life. 

I was aware that everything bad I was experiencing was of my own doing but now that I was trying my hardest to un-do it, not one single, solitary person or circumstance would meet me halfway or fall even the slightest bit in my favour, like some sort of cruel nightmare. It just didn't seem fair - none of it did!  

I don't care how flowery or poetic the spiritual community wants to make the process sound with talks of 'separation is an illusion' and 'your twin flame is always with you in spirit', feeling alone when dealing with bereavement is beyond gut-wrenching. 

While I believe that 'separation is an illusion' is fundamentally true, sometimes it just isn't enough. Yeah, I said it. 'Being there in spirit' is not enough.

I know that's a very controversial thing to say in spiritual/twin flame circles, but it's true.

When I'm watching my grandmother's coffin disappear through the curtain to be cremated I don't understand why, "Well his physical self might be out eating lunch right now, but his higher self loves you very, very much and is always with you no matter what!" is supposed to be comforting - because it's not!

It was around this time I felt very drawn to images, pictures and song lyrics of male angels; I just so very desperately needed to believe that there was someone, somewhere that was capable of loving and not being disappointed in me if I didn't live up to his expectations. Maybe these images were an attempt by my Love's 'higher self' to let me know this, which is lovely, but I can't say in good conscience that it was a substitute for a strong pair of arms  wrapped around me and a shoulder to soak up my tears.

With that said, whenever I see a picture of a male angel, I still feel the need to share or acknowledge it in some way, even now.

I'm in a much better place in my life now so I don't view the situation with quite as much venom as I used to but I'm still a little disgusted that seeking comfort during traumatic events is even seen as 'co-dependence' in spiritual/twin flame circles. 

I get that the process is designed to be challenging and transformative for a reason, but just because something is a 'divine' doesn't mean it's not problematic. 

But I digress. 

Earlier that same month, on Bonfire Night, after months and months of feeling miserable, I decided to join my family going to watch a local public fireworks display; I love skywatching and I'd never considered taking video or photography of fireworks before, so I took the opportunity to do just that. I had only intended to find some joy and create something beautiful in all the misery I was feeling. 

Later, I shared some of the videos I took on my twitter feed. At the time my Love still followed me and a part of me just wanted him to see the videos and show him that I wasn't flaky, frigid and miserable to be around - I was fun to be around and creative!

Then another thought hit me; what if he didn't see it that way at all? What if he saw my video and didn't see his Love finding joy in a miserable situation? What if he saw it and thought, "Oh she's clearly happy, I shouldn't intervene and interfere with her happiness"? 

My Love always had a tendency to have a 'martyr' approach to love and relationships (at least with me, I can't speak for others) and repeatedly perpetuated the idea that he was willing to suffer in order for me to be happy. 

What if he was hovering on the edge of contacting me then saw my videos and interpreted them as me saying, "I'm happy where I am, please don't contact me" when that wasn't my intention at all?

Frankly, martyrdom in relationships has always annoyed the living daylights out of me, because I never bought into it. It doesn't translate as 'noble' or 'heroic' to me. Instead it just come across as not being authentic or true to yourself. 

Of course, I believe in respecting boundaries, so if someone explicitly says, "I'm happy as I am, please leave me alone" they should be believed and their wishes respected, I believe it goes both ways, so that when someone says, "I truly want to be with you" they too, should be believed, and if you don't want to reciprocate, do it because you don't really want to. Don't break their heart under the pretence of doing it because 'they deserve better' or 'it's for their own good' because you're not. You're just being a martyr and in the end nobody is truly happy and in many cases it's very unnecessary. 

Energetic- twin flame mirroring-meltdown notwithstanding, I always lit up inside whenever my Love was around. Why could he never see that?

A few nights later, in a fit of rage and tears, I momentarily blocked him (which simultaneously un followed him from me and I from him) telling myself as I did it, "Why should he get to know about my life and make assumptions about me when he won't even talk to me?" In truth, I didn't even want him to unfollow me, I just let frustration take over and I regretted it the moment I hit the 'block' button. I felt an instant 'disconnected' feeling and I realised how much comfort I drew from knowing on some level he was interested enough in me and my life to keep following me - and now it was gone. 

I have no idea if he even looks at any of my social media anymore, and if he does he certainly doesn't make me aware of it, but I decided to be transparent on my social media from that moment on. Blocking him and trying to hide things from him just made me feel horrible. 

I continued to lash out at him intermittently for a couple of months, thinking that taking my anger out on him would make me feel better - it didn't. Attempting to hurt him, hurt me and I ended up feeling worse. In a way, I found his resolve to not stoop down to my level and hit back at me incredibly admirable, even if it was maddening at the time.

Besides, it was no use - no amount of lashing out was going to hide the fact that, in spite of everything, after all that had happened, my internal heart GPS was firmly programmed to navigate in his direction and I was still just as much in love with him as I ever was, if not more so. His love was like gravity and the more I tried to pull away the stronger and more obvious my feelings became. 

2016 was fast approaching and I was tired. Tired of feeling angry, tired of feeling sad, tired of lashing out - tired of everything. Even before learning about twin flames, the whole situation had instinctively set in motion a desire in me to become the best version of myself that I could be and I knew that was the only way I was ever going to feel good about myself again.

So, as the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve, I opened my bedroom window to let the old year out and the New Year in (my New Year's tradition) and made a promise to myself that no matter what happens in the future, I would never, ever allow myself to sink as low as I did between June to December 2015. 

I don't know if it was the mental resolve to do just that or the binaural beat meditation I had discovered or something else entirely but within days, all of the anger, frustration, despair and internal chaos that had bubbled to the surface and consumed the last few months of my life, just... stopped.

(to be continued)

Dream Diary #106: I Predict A Riot

I was running late for my bus and could see it approaching from further down the road as I dashed into a local shop to get change for my bus fare.

The cashier behind the counter was an old acquaintance to me within the dream, and sort of resembled an old work colleague of mine. She engaged me in conversation, making me temporarily forget that I was running behind.

When I finished my purchase and was about to leave the shop, I couldn't believe my eyes; the entire street outside had just descended into chaos and mayhem!

There were people starting fires and destroying property everywhere. I'd never seen anything like it before in my life.

My bus pulled up and quickly sped off before any rioters could get on, but I didn't care as I knew it was too risky to go outside.

Luckily, the cashier and the rest of the staff let me take temporary refuge in the shop while we waited for the trouble to die down. We stood observing through the window.

The entire front of the shop was one big glass window pane that could easily have been broken but nobody seemed concerned or worried. Strangely, no-one attempted to come inside the shop either. 

Eventually the trouble did start to ease off and so when I saw another bus pull up outside I decided to take it, even though it was far too late to go to my original destination.

Instead, I just took a leisurely trip into the countryside to enjoy nature and the rural surroundings. I began to notice that other's seemed to have followed my example and were taking the same path that I had created. It felt a bit creepy and weird at first but then it made me so happy that I could feel myself getting lighter and lighter until I felt as though I could fly.

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 4: But Did You Die Though?

Tell me, why do lovers have to leave
I know it happens all the time
And it's so sad, cause this time it's you and me
I know I'm losing you but I just can't believe it, baby

--Forever, Tina Cousins

Oh, wow. The fourth part of this piece has taken longer to write than I first thought it would. In part, because re-living the thoughts, emotions and experiences I had in the latter half of 2015 has been more difficult than I thought it would be. 

But also, because each and every time a large scale tragedy hits the headlines I feel an incredible need to reach out to my Love, and yet I can never bring myself to do so. Since he and I 'went into separation' there have been terror attacks in Paris, Belgium and at the time of writing this piece, the more recent shootings in Orlando.

I think because it's one thing to have your innocuous attempts at communication go unanswered, ignored and rebuffed, but to have a genuine need to reach out to and connect with a fellow human being during times that shake you and remind you of the fragility of life met with complete and utter silence and rejection, is something else entirely.

Actually, now that I've written that down I realise how silly that sounds; life is fragile and not only should it not take a large scale tragedy to remind you of that, but also it should be perfectly okay to reach out to someone and tell them that you love them without the expectation of them saying it back. 

Suffice it to say, after I received his email, I reacted about as well as you'd expect someone whose entire hopes, dreams and wishes for the future had been snatched from right under their feet.  

The silence that occurs between twin flames serves to quieten the Ego, to make the Ego realise it is not in charge, giving Intuition a chance to step in and provide guidance... and my Ego quietened with about as much grace and ease as a cat being forced into a bath-tub full of water.

I bombarded him with emails, demanding answers. Why did he think 'it was best'? What had made him feel that way? Why would he just decide to end our relationship without giving me a chance to explain or defend myself? Why wouldn't he hear me out first before making such a drastic decision? 

I tried to explain that I had experienced an anxiety attack which had caused me to act erratically and in direct opposition with how I felt. I feel bad about that now, but at the time it was the closest thing to a 'rational' explanation that I had.

I emailed him a copy of the letters I'd sent him and begged and pleaded for him to let me know if he'd read them, just for my own sanity and peace of mind, which to my shock and surprise, he did!

He apologised for being 'incommunicado', his tone casual and lighthearted, as if he had no concept of what I had been going through, just to make contact with him. He went on to explain that my failure to return had made him sick and as a result he'd taken a break from the internet in order to 'cut down on the stressors.'

His words made me feel rotten inside. I'd been so caught up in my own pain that I hadn't even thought about what he might've been going through.

I knew that my behaviour had completely contradicted everything that I'd verbalised to him but I truly, truly, truly thought he knew that I was definitely returning.

I had paid the equivalent of thirteen hundred dollars for our new home together - why would I pay a sum of money like that for a place I never planned upon living in?

And in regards to my admission of my having experienced an anxiety attack? He simply said, 'Sorry you had an anxiety attack' - just like that.

This was a man who'd fretted over every sniffle and sneeze of mine for years; a man who'd made me gargle salt water before bed when I developed a cough due to not being used to the AC, a man who'd carefully applied bite cream to the backs of my legs when I'd forgotten to bring bug repellent during our first week together. 

And now he said, 'Sorry you had an anxiety attack', like it was nothing. Like I was nothing.

What had I done? I hadn't intended for any of this to happen. I'd come home temporarily to heal my relationship, not destroy it!

And I know it sounds completely crazy, to think that I thought I could act like a complete and utter fool and that he would just accept it, but that's honestly where my line of thinking was. I knew he'd understand. He would definitely understand, there was just no way he wouldn't understand.

No matter how many times I asked him, no matter how I worded it, he would not tell me why he felt the way he did.

Knowing what I know now, I think he wouldn't tell me because he didn't know why he felt the way he did. I still don't think he knows.

At this point, I was already experiencing some pretty crazy symptoms that I couldn't really explain. My core body temperature had risen and no matter how much I showered or bathed I was constantly clammy, sweaty and greasy. I was always exhausted, no matter how much I slept. 

I even experienced weird food cravings, most notably an insatiable desire for protein in the form of raw eggs and meat - which was truly bizarre after having been a Pescatarian (eating fish, but no meat) for well over a decade. 

This symptom in particular had already manifested whilst I was still in the US as my Love watched in amazement as I threw away all of my well-discussed Pescatarian beliefs in an instant as I ordered a greasy chicken burger from a restaurant. 

After he emailed me, however, my body went into overdrive.

I went to bed every night, convulsing and shaking with this weird 'heavy' feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I could only describe as the need to... 'confess', something?

His words rattled around inside my head, taunting me, "I'm just very disappointed... very disappointed... disappointed... you're a disappointment... a disappointment...'

Something deep within me was screaming out, 'I am not a disappointment! I am a good person! I am funny, creative, loving and kind... not a disappointment - I'm not!' But how was I ever supposed to show that to him, if he wouldn't even listen?

In frustration, I wrote An Open Letter right here on this very blog, desperate to find a way to get the feelings on the inside of me, outside. I entitled it 'open letter' but in truth I never actually expected him to read it. I still don't know if he did. I just wrote until the early hours of the morning, pressed the 'publish' button, then collapsed into an exhausted heap.

Later, I recognised that heavy feeling as the need to 'purge.' 

I cried constantly. And not just ordinary crying, either. Have you ever heard an infant cry for a prolonged period of time because the parent is unable to pick it up and comfort it? The crying was like that - visceral, primal. It was like a cry from deep within my soul. 

I cried myself into dehydration over and over again. I cried so hard I actually 'ran out of' snot and some other watery bodily fluid that burned the inside of my nose and smelled and tasted like chlorine came out instead. 

At my lowest point, I could feel a crying fit coming on but I didn't have the privacy I needed to unleash it so I locked myself in the bathroom, sat down on the floor, and bawled my eyes out, covering my mouth with my hands to conceal the literal howls being released from deep within my body. 

His behaviour was completely alien to me. He'd never even shown anger towards me before and now I felt like he hated me! 

I truly thought he trying to psychologically destroy me.

Now, I never actually attempted suicide, but that morning, leaning against the bath-tub, my eyes puffy and red and streaming with tears, 'substitute' snot pouring from my nose and into my mouth, I thought, "Is this it? Is this all I'm meant for?"

Even if I could get over losing him, even if I could ever forgive myself for leaving, even if I could ever open up and become vulnerable enough to have a relationship with someone else in the future, if I was just going to get ditched the moment I showed any kind of weakness or flaw anyway...what was the point?

Seriously, what was the point?

I thought about the ways in which I would do it: overdose? If it failed, I could end up with damaged vital organs. Throwing myself into the path of a moving vehicle? If I lived through it, I could end up paralysed, or having to have limbs amputated. Slitting my wrists? What if it didn't work and just ended up with severed nerves and tendons, rendering me unable to write or draw? Then where would I be? 

So, there you have it ladies and gentleman of the jury - I am still alive today, not because of the love I feel for my family, or even the love for my twin flame. No, I am alive because of my crippling fear of failure; I had failed at life, and I was afraid of failing at death, too. 

Strangely enough, it was later that day that he reached out to me, without any nudging from me. He responded to an e-mail I'd sent, asking if he wanted to remote-watch a movie together, like we'd done before in the past. I'd sent the e-mail without any expectation that he'd actually respond, and I had forgotten that I'd even sent it. He said that, yes, he would like to remote-watch a movie together, and thus began a period of time I now refer to as the 'two week window'.

In all reality, it was more like three weeks, but the first weekend we arranged to watch a movie, he didn't show. As it was in keeping with his current behaviour towards me and I was very sick that weekend I didn't think too much of it. He did get back in touch to apologise and re-arrange, and for a couple of weeks it seemed as though the invisible barriers that had come up between us had lowered, finally.

And you'd think that after all I'd been through just to communicate with him, I'd be all over him demanding answers, explanations. To tell you the truth, I was just so happy and relieved to talk to him again that none of all that other stuff seemed to matter.

While we were watching movies together I placed my hand on my laptop screen, comforted by the fact that he was there on the other end of the chat box.

For a short time it was like old times again. Our communication was still a little reserved, but we still managed to have some genuine 'lol's and 'haha' moments. He even asked me questions like 'what was my favourite movie directed by a woman' which baffled me; he didn't want me to return home to him, but he was still interested in my thoughts and opinions? 

The 'two week window' came to an abrupt end when I got a job interview that required me to show my birth certificate, which I'd left in the US, as proof of my identity and nationality. I had genuine reasons for asking him to send it to me, but I guess from his perspective it must have looked like I had lied about having any intention of returning or something because all I got from him was an abrupt, overly hostile three word response stating that 'Yes (he had it) and, yes (he'd send it to me).' And that was it. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. 

To this day, I still don't know what had made him feel like he could talk to me or why he felt like he had to shut down again. 

And I never did receive my birth certificate. 

I actually stumbled upon the phrase 'twin flames' twice; the first time I was browsing youtube for law of attraction videos when a video entitled Why Do Twin Flames Have So Many Problems? appeared in the recommended videos section. Given that my Love and I's relationship had been littered with problems and obstacles since the beginning, something about the the video's title piqued my interest. I don't remember it making much of an impression on me, but it planted a seed in my head. 

The second time was shortly after the 'two week window' when he unceremoniously shut me out again. I was researching psychological reasons why someone would just shut down upon another person when I happened upon this post in a blog entitled Twin Souls: Silence Is Golden. And there it was again, that phrase: Twin Flames. 

I've already said that I don't believe in co-incidences, and after following the blog for several months now, I may not always agree with everything this blogger says, or how she says it, but in that one post in particular she describes absolutely everything I was experiencing at that moment - everything. It awakened my inner Alice in Wonderland and prompted me to do some research of my own.

Now, if you search 'signs or symptoms of a twin flame relationship', you will find hundreds, maybe even thousands of articles, most of which list very vague, non-specific signs such 'feeling an intense or telepathic connection to your partner' or 'a sense of familiarity, like you have known the person before.'

I'm not saying that those things aren't signs of being in a twin flame relationship, I'm just saying I don't think those things are exclusive to twin flames. You can experience those things with anyone, in my personal opinion.

The article I read, which I unfortunately cannot seem to find, was very oddly specific. How specific, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

It stated, you might be a twin flame if:

...there is a significant age gap between you and your partner 
...you were born on different continents
...you met under unusual or unconventional circumstances
...you met due to a common goal or interest
...you have feelings for this person that you can't explain
...you have a lot in common but are very different from each other, almost opposites in a lot of ways 
...there have been periods of enforced separation and or/silence between you
...one or both of you have at one time or another have felt the need to 'run' from the relationship
...you feel like the 'black sheep' of your respective families and like you never really 'belonged' in the place in you were born and grew up in
...you feel a sense of belonging with this person
...things that would have been deal-breakers in other relationships are suddenly not an issue when it comes to this person
...you have had to face more obstacles and challenges than most in order to be together

I know people often describe things as making the hairs on the back their neck stand on end but, I swear to God, mine actually did.

It was like someone had read actual conversations between my Love and I, wrote them down verbatim in article form, and left it there for me to find and read.  

And the more I researched, the more my heart sank. There seemed to be a distinct pattern that most people were only tipped off about the true nature of their relationship when the bizarre behaviour when twin flames separate and go into their respective corners, occurs.

Separation is only ever supposed to be temporary (I'm going to save my venom and disdain for the twin flame community for another day as that deserves an article of it's own, but I don't buy into the idea that a twin flame is 'only there to heal you') but there was a noticeable lack of those who were able to make it beyond this phase.

I read article after article, testimony after testimony of those who had gotten stuck in constant loops of blame, avoidance, manipulation, cruelty, hurt, denial etc. for months, years... decades! Youtube videos of people who swore they were fine with not being able to be with their twin, who claimed they had 'surrendered to the process' but would still break down in tears at the thought of them, even if they hadn't seen them in years.

I know it's tempting to think that people incorrectly slap the 'twin flame' label on their troubled relationships just because it sounds romantic and poetic - and believe me I've seen that happen - but I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted no part of it.

I wanted to be in a relationship where we could resolve our problems with communication, honesty and transparency - not one that would 'heal' me by mirroring my issues and fears back to me through silence and avoidance!

I slammed my laptop shut, tossed it to the foot of the bed, pulled the covers over my head and pretended that I hadn't read what I'd just read. But I couldn't do it. I knew, I just knew. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced it, but I knew.

It was like something leaned over me and gently whispered in my ear, "Told you..."

(To be continued)