Twin Flames Anonymous Part 6: Rebel Hearts

So I took the road less travelled by

And I barely made it out alive 

Through the darkness somehow I survived

Tough Love - I knew it from the start

Deep down in the depths of my Rebel Heart

--Rebel Heart, Madonna

I felt like I had been held underwater for years then suddenly reached the surface and took a deep breath of fresh air.

I felt like I had just returned from war; dazed and confused, but grateful to be alive. 

And slowly, gradually, bit-by-bit... out of the ashes the 'real' me started to emerge. The me that had been buried under the rubble of depression, anxiety, fear of failure for longer than I'd ever realised. The me that didn't let the fearful voices of others discourage me from my desires - which I had regretfully done when fleeing my relationship.

Binaural beat meditation is seriously the closest thing I have ever experienced to a miracle in my life; within days of the first time doing it, I took a walk and I felt as though I was gliding down the street! A huge contrast to the person who just weeks before had walked down the street practically snarling at strangers. 

This relief was undermined only slightly by the lingering thought that, is that all that was wrong with me - a faulty switch in the brain? And all it took was just a flick of that switch and 'poof!' I functioned as a normal human being again? If I had discovered that a year before, would my life have turned out completely different?

I guess I'll never know now.

It was my experience with binaural beats that led me to retrain as a hypnotherapy practitioner and am currently in the process of wrapping up my studies. Another curious side effect of all that I'd experienced was the overwhelming feeling that I'd just 'evolved past' the mundane customer service positions I had previously worked in for years, just to get by.

I felt my sense of humour return and suddenly I was funny again! My creativity burst forth and I found myself with an insatiable desire to create, create, create. Even now, I get the idea for a photograph in my head and I can't rest until I've made it a reality. I know it's easy to criticise social media, but I am very thankful for my twitter and Instagram accounts which have provided me with a great outlet for therapy and creativity throughout this whole process. 

I was reluctant to put my experiences into words at first because although I have no idea if my Love reads any of my social media anymore, what if he looked me up one day and found this piece of writing? Would he think I was a lunatic? 

In the end I reasoned that, firstly, I literally couldn't rest until I'd put my story out there. I wasn't kidding when I said my innate desire to create had become insatiable. The words were literally begging to jump out of my head and into reality. Secondly, he has free will - if he comes across this piece and has a problem with anything I've written, he is more than welcome to challenge or disagree with me. And thirdly, he witnessed much of what I've written with his own eyes; he literally watched me turn from a jet-legged, but hopeful and excited young woman into the human equivalent of a crumpled piece of paper. He has very little wriggle room to argue.

It's not important to me whether he agrees with me or not. I don't need him to validate my experiences; I already know what I've been through. I don't care if he thinks of me as his 'twin flame' - in fact, I'd much rather he didn't think of me as his twin flame and that way he might be able to talk and interact with me like a regular human being! It's way more important to me that we communicate, rather than give one another fancy labels. 

I'm pretty sure that if he were to look at my social media he'd probably think I'd flipped my lid anyway, seeing as though - in the interest of becoming more authentic and true to myself - I've become way more outspoken in my spiritual, pseudo-scientific beliefs (that despite having a certain level of credible evidence to support them, are still derided upon in some scientific circles) but truth be told, they were always my beliefs! They may have gotten buried along with other things about myself - but they were always there. 

Besides, he knows. He may choose to not label it in this way, but he knows. He knew even before I knew! 

All twin flames know their innate relationship to one another, more or less, to some degree. Sometimes it's buried deep down. Sometimes it's buried deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down. But they know.

So you see, it hasn't been all doom and gloom, some good has come out of the silent treatment (and you have no idea how loathe I am to admit that!), and yet in spite of all the progress I have made, at the time of concluding this particular piece, he remains just as 'shut down' upon me as he was back in October. Disheartening as that is, after much reflection and brain-racking as to why that might be, I suspect that it is largely to do with the fact that in spite of all the good that has come of this, I am still struggling to forgive myself for my actions; I am by far my own harshest critic. After he told me that he was 'very disappointed' in me, my first instinct was to scream out, 'No-one is more disappointed in myself than I am - I don't need you, of all people, heaping your disappointment upon me!' And how am I supposed to expect him to forgive me, if I can't even forgive myself? 

It's extremely common for Twin Flames on the verge of 'awakening' to retreat to, or be 'pulled back to' toxic situations or relationships that they have long outgrown in order to transform and realise their full potential - and that was definitely true for me when coming back to my home-town. I can't even begin to describe what a dislodged Tetris piece I feel right now.

I may be where I've 'needed to be' in order for all of this to happen, but I am not where I belong.

I'm no longer afraid to put pictures or videos of me enjoying time with my family on social media; to me it's just me enjoying the moment and making memories until I'm ready to move onto the next natural progression in my life - not a 'do not disturb' badge. To do otherwise, would not be me being authentic. If he doesn't get that, that's his perception, not my intention. 

I love and miss him so very, very much. It's a love I barely know what to do with. He will never not be welcome in my life. I try not to think of what lies he tells himself in order to justify why he can't just talk to me, but I sincerely hope it's not a futile attempt to get me to realise I can 'do better' when there isn't a single person on this planet who has done, can do, and will continue to do what he has done for me. 

There's nothing I would've loved more than to just have discussed this directly with him, and to never have written this piece (which started out as one piece - can you believe that?) at all; but maybe, just maybe it was 'meant' to be this way?

I got the idea for this piece of writing many months before putting pen to paper, but as there was a specific approach I wanted to take, it took me a while to gather the right words together; I wanted to write my story in such a way that made it palatable to people who are not spiritually inclined. I wanted to leave out the esoteric parts about 'soul contracts'  and 'missions' (though I'm not necessarily denying that those things exist) and focus more on the aspects that are observable and tangible to even the most sceptic of believers. After all haven't we all known that one couple, you know the one, that no matter what happens, no matter who else comes into their life, no matter what obstacles come their way, they always somehow, someway, find their way back to one another?