Twin Flames Anonymous Part 5: Gravity of Love

Turn around, I can smell what you can't see

Close your eyes, it's so clear

Here's the mirror, behind there is a screen

On both ways you can get in

Don't think twice, before you listen to your heart

Follow the trace for a new start

--Gravity of Love, Enigma

After discovering the devastating truth behind my situation - and I knew it was the truth, no matter how much I wanted to deny it - and the pain of realising what I was really up against began to subside, came forth an unfathomable anger; an anger so fierce it flowed through my veins like molten lava.

I remember cursing loudly at a pedestrian that walked in front of me and cut me off on the street and calling a customer 'illiterate and stupid' within earshot of them at my job. The customer made a complaint about me of course, but I was nearing the end of my contract anyway and basically didn't care. I had all but checked out of humanity by this point and they both kinda deserved it anyway. 

I broke crockery when I slammed a metal spoon into a my cereal bowl so hard it smashed into a million pieces. I then had the embarrassing task of explaining how it'd broken due to me 'dropping' it - despite the fact that the room I was in at the time was carpeted. 

I chipped one of my bottom teeth through grinding my jaw due to stress.

My grandmother - who suffered the initial fall that caused her broken neck in May - passed away towards the end of November, peacefully, surrounded by her children (my aunts and father.)

I was still in the early stages of learning about Twin Flames and how the dynamic worked, so without really thinking about it and looking for some emotional support and comfort, I shot my Love an email shortly after I heard the news to let him know. Surely, the gravity of a bereavement and a decade of being in love and supporting one another was stronger and more powerful than the pain caused by misunderstanding and miscommunication right?

But even that went ignored. He couldn't even squeak out a simple 'sorry for your loss' and I was angry; my God was I angry!

I'm ashamed to say I lashed out at him more than once, but at the time it felt entirely justified. 

You'd think that with my Love and I's relationship being mostly long-distance, we wouldn't have experienced all the much together, but we actually went through a lot. We watched live coverage of the 2013 Oklahoma tornado together. When he was unexpectedly fired from his job I stayed online for hours to offer him emotional support, even though I was supposed to be babysitting. When he came back from Singapore he had to live with his father for a while, and when that came to an end, I gave him every penny I had (which wasn't a lot) to see him through. 

I didn't do any of that to 'get something in return'; even later when he tried to tell me he owed me the money back, I told him I didn't want it. All I wanted was to be with him and have a wonderful life together.

Instead, I was out of pocket for an apartment I had helped to obtain and told not to return to, living in a town that I had outgrown with seemingly no (easy) way out (because I was out of pocket), surrounded by people that hadn't the ability to comprehend what I was experiencing and dealing with my first real bereavement and everywhere I turned to for comfort, everything I was going through was chalked up to 'healing' and 'growth.' After being there for and comforting one another for years, suddenly it was 'wrong' to seek him out, because it's 'co-dependent.' 

Well, let me tell you, watching my cousins carry my grandmother's coffin down the aisle of my town's local church, I couldn't care less about being 'healed of my co-dependence'; even surrounded with literally hundreds of my grandmother's family and friends, I had never, ever felt so excruciatingly alone in my entire life. 

I was aware that everything bad I was experiencing was of my own doing but now that I was trying my hardest to un-do it, not one single, solitary person or circumstance would meet me halfway or fall even the slightest bit in my favour, like some sort of cruel nightmare. It just didn't seem fair - none of it did!  

I don't care how flowery or poetic the spiritual community wants to make the process sound with talks of 'separation is an illusion' and 'your twin flame is always with you in spirit', feeling alone when dealing with bereavement is beyond gut-wrenching. 

While I believe that 'separation is an illusion' is fundamentally true, sometimes it just isn't enough. Yeah, I said it. 'Being there in spirit' is not enough.

I know that's a very controversial thing to say in spiritual/twin flame circles, but it's true.

When I'm watching my grandmother's coffin disappear through the curtain to be cremated I don't understand why, "Well his physical self might be out eating lunch right now, but his higher self loves you very, very much and is always with you no matter what!" is supposed to be comforting - because it's not!

It was around this time I felt very drawn to images, pictures and song lyrics of male angels; I just so very desperately needed to believe that there was someone, somewhere that was capable of loving and not being disappointed in me if I didn't live up to his expectations. Maybe these images were an attempt by my Love's 'higher self' to let me know this, which is lovely, but I can't say in good conscience that it was a substitute for a strong pair of arms  wrapped around me and a shoulder to soak up my tears.

With that said, whenever I see a picture of a male angel, I still feel the need to share or acknowledge it in some way, even now.

I'm in a much better place in my life now so I don't view the situation with quite as much venom as I used to but I'm still a little disgusted that seeking comfort during traumatic events is even seen as 'co-dependence' in spiritual/twin flame circles. 

I get that the process is designed to be challenging and transformative for a reason, but just because something is a 'divine' doesn't mean it's not problematic. 

But I digress. 

Earlier that same month, on Bonfire Night, after months and months of feeling miserable, I decided to join my family going to watch a local public fireworks display; I love skywatching and I'd never considered taking video or photography of fireworks before, so I took the opportunity to do just that. I had only intended to find some joy and create something beautiful in all the misery I was feeling. 

Later, I shared some of the videos I took on my twitter feed. At the time my Love still followed me and a part of me just wanted him to see the videos and show him that I wasn't flaky, frigid and miserable to be around - I was fun to be around and creative!

Then another thought hit me; what if he didn't see it that way at all? What if he saw my video and didn't see his Love finding joy in a miserable situation? What if he saw it and thought, "Oh she's clearly happy, I shouldn't intervene and interfere with her happiness"? 

My Love always had a tendency to have a 'martyr' approach to love and relationships (at least with me, I can't speak for others) and repeatedly perpetuated the idea that he was willing to suffer in order for me to be happy. 

What if he was hovering on the edge of contacting me then saw my videos and interpreted them as me saying, "I'm happy where I am, please don't contact me" when that wasn't my intention at all?

Frankly, martyrdom in relationships has always annoyed the living daylights out of me, because I never bought into it. It doesn't translate as 'noble' or 'heroic' to me. Instead it just come across as not being authentic or true to yourself. 

Of course, I believe in respecting boundaries, so if someone explicitly says, "I'm happy as I am, please leave me alone" they should be believed and their wishes respected, I believe it goes both ways, so that when someone says, "I truly want to be with you" they too, should be believed, and if you don't want to reciprocate, do it because you don't really want to. Don't break their heart under the pretence of doing it because 'they deserve better' or 'it's for their own good' because you're not. You're just being a martyr and in the end nobody is truly happy and in many cases it's very unnecessary. 

Energetic- twin flame mirroring-meltdown notwithstanding, I always lit up inside whenever my Love was around. Why could he never see that?

A few nights later, in a fit of rage and tears, I momentarily blocked him (which simultaneously un followed him from me and I from him) telling myself as I did it, "Why should he get to know about my life and make assumptions about me when he won't even talk to me?" In truth, I didn't even want him to unfollow me, I just let frustration take over and I regretted it the moment I hit the 'block' button. I felt an instant 'disconnected' feeling and I realised how much comfort I drew from knowing on some level he was interested enough in me and my life to keep following me - and now it was gone. 

I have no idea if he even looks at any of my social media anymore, and if he does he certainly doesn't make me aware of it, but I decided to be transparent on my social media from that moment on. Blocking him and trying to hide things from him just made me feel horrible. 

I continued to lash out at him intermittently for a couple of months, thinking that taking my anger out on him would make me feel better - it didn't. Attempting to hurt him, hurt me and I ended up feeling worse. In a way, I found his resolve to not stoop down to my level and hit back at me incredibly admirable, even if it was maddening at the time.

Besides, it was no use - no amount of lashing out was going to hide the fact that, in spite of everything, after all that had happened, my internal heart GPS was firmly programmed to navigate in his direction and I was still just as much in love with him as I ever was, if not more so. His love was like gravity and the more I tried to pull away the stronger and more obvious my feelings became. 

2016 was fast approaching and I was tired. Tired of feeling angry, tired of feeling sad, tired of lashing out - tired of everything. Even before learning about twin flames, the whole situation had instinctively set in motion a desire in me to become the best version of myself that I could be and I knew that was the only way I was ever going to feel good about myself again.

So, as the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve, I opened my bedroom window to let the old year out and the New Year in (my New Year's tradition) and made a promise to myself that no matter what happens in the future, I would never, ever allow myself to sink as low as I did between June to December 2015. 

I don't know if it was the mental resolve to do just that or the binaural beat meditation I had discovered or something else entirely but within days, all of the anger, frustration, despair and internal chaos that had bubbled to the surface and consumed the last few months of my life, just... stopped.

(to be continued)