Dream Diary #125: The Owling

I woke up one morning to see a stack of gifts at the foot of my bed; one of which was a pet owl.

At first, the owl looked half-dead and  I wondered how well whomever had bought it for me had been taking care of it and I quickly noticed that I hadn't been provided with any tools or instructions for taking care of the owl and I had no idea how to take care of one.

I wasn't even sure how I felt about feeding my owl live mice and wondered if dead mice would be acceptable - or what any acceptable alternatives would be? I wondered how I would train it not to fly away; I'd seen people use leashes to train falcons but would they work on owls?

I needed a trip to the pet store, and fast, but no-one would help take me there. I was completely on my own. 

As I don't yet drive, I mapped out the route in my head, and with only a vague idea of where I was going, grabbed an old gardening glove so that I could carry the owl on my hand, and started walking.

In reality I could have just taken the bus but for some reason, I walked. Along the way, I felt completely helpless, isolated and alone. I couldn't believe that someone thought it would be a good idea to give me a pet owl, but no guidance on how to take care of it - and not only that, no-one was willing to help me help myself learn.

Dream Diary #113: Game of Homes

For some reason, my mother, my sister and I had moved into a new house together, along with my sister's kids without my father and sister's husband.

Even though the house was located in a fairly urban setting, it seemed really isolated and cut off from the rest of the world. This feeling was exacerbated by the fact that the town seemed to be in a perpetual state of twilight and the house was in disrepair, almost derelict even.

However, one of the amazing things about the house was the garden which had an enormous pond-like swimming pool. 

The pool, like the house, was shabby and overgrown with plant life. The water was crystal clear and you could see an overabundance of pond scum and algae clinging to the bottom. In spite of this, I was very excited at the prospect of having our very own pool in our backyard and wanted to jump right in, even though it hadn't been cleaned yet. 

As it turned out, I didn't even need to go directly into the water to enjoy it as the various plants and flowers were sentient, interactive beings! I had so much fun sitting on the lily pads and letting them float me around the water. The plants even started to play games with me, creating little assault courses on top of the water.

It was like seeing the world through the eyes of a child again, where everything was a potential game or adventure.

Eventually, I was called to go inside, and just as my sister and I were about to enter the doorway to the house, my sister slipped and fell. At first, I thought she'd slipped on water but she said that it was amniotic fluid and that 'the doctor had warned her this might happen'. I was very puzzled because although my sister has had three children in real-life, they were all born via c-section and she has not given birth that recently, nor was there any indication that she had done so recently in the dream either.

Nevertheless, an ambulance was called, and for some reason the presence of the emergency services brought everyone in the neighbourhood out of their hiding places as dozens of people crowded round to see what was going on.

I, too, was concerned about my sister but I was also conscious about getting in the way of the paramedics doing their job so I hung back and observed from afar.

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 6: Rebel Hearts

So I took the road less travelled by

And I barely made it out alive 

Through the darkness somehow I survived

Tough Love - I knew it from the start

Deep down in the depths of my Rebel Heart

--Rebel Heart, Madonna

I felt like I had been held underwater for years then suddenly reached the surface and took a deep breath of fresh air.

I felt like I had just returned from war; dazed and confused, but grateful to be alive. 

And slowly, gradually, bit-by-bit... out of the ashes the 'real' me started to emerge. The me that had been buried under the rubble of depression, anxiety, fear of failure for longer than I'd ever realised. The me that didn't let the fearful voices of others discourage me from my desires - which I had regretfully done when fleeing my relationship.

Binaural beat meditation is seriously the closest thing I have ever experienced to a miracle in my life; within days of the first time doing it, I took a walk and I felt as though I was gliding down the street! A huge contrast to the person who just weeks before had walked down the street practically snarling at strangers. 

This relief was undermined only slightly by the lingering thought that, is that all that was wrong with me - a faulty switch in the brain? And all it took was just a flick of that switch and 'poof!' I functioned as a normal human being again? If I had discovered that a year before, would my life have turned out completely different?

I guess I'll never know now.

It was my experience with binaural beats that led me to retrain as a hypnotherapy practitioner and am currently in the process of wrapping up my studies. Another curious side effect of all that I'd experienced was the overwhelming feeling that I'd just 'evolved past' the mundane customer service positions I had previously worked in for years, just to get by.

I felt my sense of humour return and suddenly I was funny again! My creativity burst forth and I found myself with an insatiable desire to create, create, create. Even now, I get the idea for a photograph in my head and I can't rest until I've made it a reality. I know it's easy to criticise social media, but I am very thankful for my twitter and Instagram accounts which have provided me with a great outlet for therapy and creativity throughout this whole process. 

I was reluctant to put my experiences into words at first because although I have no idea if my Love reads any of my social media anymore, what if he looked me up one day and found this piece of writing? Would he think I was a lunatic? 

In the end I reasoned that, firstly, I literally couldn't rest until I'd put my story out there. I wasn't kidding when I said my innate desire to create had become insatiable. The words were literally begging to jump out of my head and into reality. Secondly, he has free will - if he comes across this piece and has a problem with anything I've written, he is more than welcome to challenge or disagree with me. And thirdly, he witnessed much of what I've written with his own eyes; he literally watched me turn from a jet-legged, but hopeful and excited young woman into the human equivalent of a crumpled piece of paper. He has very little wriggle room to argue.

It's not important to me whether he agrees with me or not. I don't need him to validate my experiences; I already know what I've been through. I don't care if he thinks of me as his 'twin flame' - in fact, I'd much rather he didn't think of me as his twin flame and that way he might be able to talk and interact with me like a regular human being! It's way more important to me that we communicate, rather than give one another fancy labels. 

I'm pretty sure that if he were to look at my social media he'd probably think I'd flipped my lid anyway, seeing as though - in the interest of becoming more authentic and true to myself - I've become way more outspoken in my spiritual, pseudo-scientific beliefs (that despite having a certain level of credible evidence to support them, are still derided upon in some scientific circles) but truth be told, they were always my beliefs! They may have gotten buried along with other things about myself - but they were always there. 

Besides, he knows. He may choose to not label it in this way, but he knows. He knew even before I knew! 

All twin flames know their innate relationship to one another, more or less, to some degree. Sometimes it's buried deep down. Sometimes it's buried deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down. But they know.

So you see, it hasn't been all doom and gloom, some good has come out of the silent treatment (and you have no idea how loathe I am to admit that!), and yet in spite of all the progress I have made, at the time of concluding this particular piece, he remains just as 'shut down' upon me as he was back in October. Disheartening as that is, after much reflection and brain-racking as to why that might be, I suspect that it is largely to do with the fact that in spite of all the good that has come of this, I am still struggling to forgive myself for my actions; I am by far my own harshest critic. After he told me that he was 'very disappointed' in me, my first instinct was to scream out, 'No-one is more disappointed in myself than I am - I don't need you, of all people, heaping your disappointment upon me!' And how am I supposed to expect him to forgive me, if I can't even forgive myself? 

It's extremely common for Twin Flames on the verge of 'awakening' to retreat to, or be 'pulled back to' toxic situations or relationships that they have long outgrown in order to transform and realise their full potential - and that was definitely true for me when coming back to my home-town. I can't even begin to describe what a dislodged Tetris piece I feel right now.

I may be where I've 'needed to be' in order for all of this to happen, but I am not where I belong.

I'm no longer afraid to put pictures or videos of me enjoying time with my family on social media; to me it's just me enjoying the moment and making memories until I'm ready to move onto the next natural progression in my life - not a 'do not disturb' badge. To do otherwise, would not be me being authentic. If he doesn't get that, that's his perception, not my intention. 

I love and miss him so very, very much. It's a love I barely know what to do with. He will never not be welcome in my life. I try not to think of what lies he tells himself in order to justify why he can't just talk to me, but I sincerely hope it's not a futile attempt to get me to realise I can 'do better' when there isn't a single person on this planet who has done, can do, and will continue to do what he has done for me. 

There's nothing I would've loved more than to just have discussed this directly with him, and to never have written this piece (which started out as one piece - can you believe that?) at all; but maybe, just maybe it was 'meant' to be this way?

I got the idea for this piece of writing many months before putting pen to paper, but as there was a specific approach I wanted to take, it took me a while to gather the right words together; I wanted to write my story in such a way that made it palatable to people who are not spiritually inclined. I wanted to leave out the esoteric parts about 'soul contracts'  and 'missions' (though I'm not necessarily denying that those things exist) and focus more on the aspects that are observable and tangible to even the most sceptic of believers. After all haven't we all known that one couple, you know the one, that no matter what happens, no matter who else comes into their life, no matter what obstacles come their way, they always somehow, someway, find their way back to one another?

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 5: Gravity of Love

Turn around, I can smell what you can't see

Close your eyes, it's so clear

Here's the mirror, behind there is a screen

On both ways you can get in

Don't think twice, before you listen to your heart

Follow the trace for a new start

--Gravity of Love, Enigma

After discovering the devastating truth behind my situation - and I knew it was the truth, no matter how much I wanted to deny it - and the pain of realising what I was really up against began to subside, came forth an unfathomable anger; an anger so fierce it flowed through my veins like molten lava.

I remember cursing loudly at a pedestrian that walked in front of me and cut me off on the street and calling a customer 'illiterate and stupid' within earshot of them at my job. The customer made a complaint about me of course, but I was nearing the end of my contract anyway and basically didn't care. I had all but checked out of humanity by this point and they both kinda deserved it anyway. 

I broke crockery when I slammed a metal spoon into a my cereal bowl so hard it smashed into a million pieces. I then had the embarrassing task of explaining how it'd broken due to me 'dropping' it - despite the fact that the room I was in at the time was carpeted. 

I chipped one of my bottom teeth through grinding my jaw due to stress.

My grandmother - who suffered the initial fall that caused her broken neck in May - passed away towards the end of November, peacefully, surrounded by her children (my aunts and father.)

I was still in the early stages of learning about Twin Flames and how the dynamic worked, so without really thinking about it and looking for some emotional support and comfort, I shot my Love an email shortly after I heard the news to let him know. Surely, the gravity of a bereavement and a decade of being in love and supporting one another was stronger and more powerful than the pain caused by misunderstanding and miscommunication right?

But even that went ignored. He couldn't even squeak out a simple 'sorry for your loss' and I was angry; my God was I angry!

I'm ashamed to say I lashed out at him more than once, but at the time it felt entirely justified. 

You'd think that with my Love and I's relationship being mostly long-distance, we wouldn't have experienced all the much together, but we actually went through a lot. We watched live coverage of the 2013 Oklahoma tornado together. When he was unexpectedly fired from his job I stayed online for hours to offer him emotional support, even though I was supposed to be babysitting. When he came back from Singapore he had to live with his father for a while, and when that came to an end, I gave him every penny I had (which wasn't a lot) to see him through. 

I didn't do any of that to 'get something in return'; even later when he tried to tell me he owed me the money back, I told him I didn't want it. All I wanted was to be with him and have a wonderful life together.

Instead, I was out of pocket for an apartment I had helped to obtain and told not to return to, living in a town that I had outgrown with seemingly no (easy) way out (because I was out of pocket), surrounded by people that hadn't the ability to comprehend what I was experiencing and dealing with my first real bereavement and everywhere I turned to for comfort, everything I was going through was chalked up to 'healing' and 'growth.' After being there for and comforting one another for years, suddenly it was 'wrong' to seek him out, because it's 'co-dependent.' 

Well, let me tell you, watching my cousins carry my grandmother's coffin down the aisle of my town's local church, I couldn't care less about being 'healed of my co-dependence'; even surrounded with literally hundreds of my grandmother's family and friends, I had never, ever felt so excruciatingly alone in my entire life. 

I was aware that everything bad I was experiencing was of my own doing but now that I was trying my hardest to un-do it, not one single, solitary person or circumstance would meet me halfway or fall even the slightest bit in my favour, like some sort of cruel nightmare. It just didn't seem fair - none of it did!  

I don't care how flowery or poetic the spiritual community wants to make the process sound with talks of 'separation is an illusion' and 'your twin flame is always with you in spirit', feeling alone when dealing with bereavement is beyond gut-wrenching. 

While I believe that 'separation is an illusion' is fundamentally true, sometimes it just isn't enough. Yeah, I said it. 'Being there in spirit' is not enough.

I know that's a very controversial thing to say in spiritual/twin flame circles, but it's true.

When I'm watching my grandmother's coffin disappear through the curtain to be cremated I don't understand why, "Well his physical self might be out eating lunch right now, but his higher self loves you very, very much and is always with you no matter what!" is supposed to be comforting - because it's not!

It was around this time I felt very drawn to images, pictures and song lyrics of male angels; I just so very desperately needed to believe that there was someone, somewhere that was capable of loving and not being disappointed in me if I didn't live up to his expectations. Maybe these images were an attempt by my Love's 'higher self' to let me know this, which is lovely, but I can't say in good conscience that it was a substitute for a strong pair of arms  wrapped around me and a shoulder to soak up my tears.

With that said, whenever I see a picture of a male angel, I still feel the need to share or acknowledge it in some way, even now.

I'm in a much better place in my life now so I don't view the situation with quite as much venom as I used to but I'm still a little disgusted that seeking comfort during traumatic events is even seen as 'co-dependence' in spiritual/twin flame circles. 

I get that the process is designed to be challenging and transformative for a reason, but just because something is a 'divine' doesn't mean it's not problematic. 

But I digress. 

Earlier that same month, on Bonfire Night, after months and months of feeling miserable, I decided to join my family going to watch a local public fireworks display; I love skywatching and I'd never considered taking video or photography of fireworks before, so I took the opportunity to do just that. I had only intended to find some joy and create something beautiful in all the misery I was feeling. 

Later, I shared some of the videos I took on my twitter feed. At the time my Love still followed me and a part of me just wanted him to see the videos and show him that I wasn't flaky, frigid and miserable to be around - I was fun to be around and creative!

Then another thought hit me; what if he didn't see it that way at all? What if he saw my video and didn't see his Love finding joy in a miserable situation? What if he saw it and thought, "Oh she's clearly happy, I shouldn't intervene and interfere with her happiness"? 

My Love always had a tendency to have a 'martyr' approach to love and relationships (at least with me, I can't speak for others) and repeatedly perpetuated the idea that he was willing to suffer in order for me to be happy. 

What if he was hovering on the edge of contacting me then saw my videos and interpreted them as me saying, "I'm happy where I am, please don't contact me" when that wasn't my intention at all?

Frankly, martyrdom in relationships has always annoyed the living daylights out of me, because I never bought into it. It doesn't translate as 'noble' or 'heroic' to me. Instead it just come across as not being authentic or true to yourself. 

Of course, I believe in respecting boundaries, so if someone explicitly says, "I'm happy as I am, please leave me alone" they should be believed and their wishes respected, I believe it goes both ways, so that when someone says, "I truly want to be with you" they too, should be believed, and if you don't want to reciprocate, do it because you don't really want to. Don't break their heart under the pretence of doing it because 'they deserve better' or 'it's for their own good' because you're not. You're just being a martyr and in the end nobody is truly happy and in many cases it's very unnecessary. 

Energetic- twin flame mirroring-meltdown notwithstanding, I always lit up inside whenever my Love was around. Why could he never see that?

A few nights later, in a fit of rage and tears, I momentarily blocked him (which simultaneously un followed him from me and I from him) telling myself as I did it, "Why should he get to know about my life and make assumptions about me when he won't even talk to me?" In truth, I didn't even want him to unfollow me, I just let frustration take over and I regretted it the moment I hit the 'block' button. I felt an instant 'disconnected' feeling and I realised how much comfort I drew from knowing on some level he was interested enough in me and my life to keep following me - and now it was gone. 

I have no idea if he even looks at any of my social media anymore, and if he does he certainly doesn't make me aware of it, but I decided to be transparent on my social media from that moment on. Blocking him and trying to hide things from him just made me feel horrible. 

I continued to lash out at him intermittently for a couple of months, thinking that taking my anger out on him would make me feel better - it didn't. Attempting to hurt him, hurt me and I ended up feeling worse. In a way, I found his resolve to not stoop down to my level and hit back at me incredibly admirable, even if it was maddening at the time.

Besides, it was no use - no amount of lashing out was going to hide the fact that, in spite of everything, after all that had happened, my internal heart GPS was firmly programmed to navigate in his direction and I was still just as much in love with him as I ever was, if not more so. His love was like gravity and the more I tried to pull away the stronger and more obvious my feelings became. 

2016 was fast approaching and I was tired. Tired of feeling angry, tired of feeling sad, tired of lashing out - tired of everything. Even before learning about twin flames, the whole situation had instinctively set in motion a desire in me to become the best version of myself that I could be and I knew that was the only way I was ever going to feel good about myself again.

So, as the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve, I opened my bedroom window to let the old year out and the New Year in (my New Year's tradition) and made a promise to myself that no matter what happens in the future, I would never, ever allow myself to sink as low as I did between June to December 2015. 

I don't know if it was the mental resolve to do just that or the binaural beat meditation I had discovered or something else entirely but within days, all of the anger, frustration, despair and internal chaos that had bubbled to the surface and consumed the last few months of my life, just... stopped.

(to be continued)

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 3: The Avoidance Olympics

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

--Say Something, A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

I know that this is going to sound like a massive cop-out, but I don't even remember much about my journey back to the UK. I was on that damn plane for the best part of around seven to eight hours across the Atlantic and I can't even remember most of it. I don't know if this is common for those who go through this experience but there are still massive gaps in my memory from around this time. 

Landing in the UK was bittersweet. I was happy to see my family again, especially my infant nephew, who had been born on my birthday, just eight days before I left for the US and of course, my grandmother. It was upsetting to see her in such a fragile state, but I'm still glad I got to see her again. 

Beyond that, I felt like I had returned to a world that I just didn't belong in anymore.

I spent the weeks that followed having quality with my family, reconnecting with old friends and revisiting old haunts, yet nothing seemed to quell the sense of panic and anxiety I was feeling, like I hoped it would.

It was as though my heart, head and mouth were on completely different pages. My heart said 'go back', my head said 'no, you have to stay put' and my mouth just blurted out whatever was most convenient at the time. This made me feel so distressed that as a result, any attempts at communication with me from my Love either went ignored or very poorly responded to. 

It seemed as though an invisible wall came down between us and he was on one side trying to get my attention, and although I heard him, I couldn't respond. 

Many times I'd find myself hovering my fingers over the keyboard of my laptop either completely unable to type out a response whatsoever or writing out responses that I couldn't bring myself to send. When I think of what I would be prepared to do now for just a crumb of a scrap of a morsel of communication, this is incredibly shameful to admit. 

Many Twin Flames who have experienced this claim that it's their doubt and fear that their twin doesn't truly love them that caused them to 'shut down', but for me it was the exact opposite. It was my unwavering belief and faith in his love for me that made feel as though I was safe to behave the way I did. He once told me that, 'There wasn't anything we couldn't get through if we just talk about it' and I fell back on that to justify my douche-y, hurtful behaviour.

In spite of this, on the Fourth of July, I saw an American flag in someone's front yard and this unleashed the floodgates and I spent the whole day in tears, just missing him and longing to be with him. It was supposed to be our first real July fourth together and I hated that I was missing out on that experience with him. I pounded out an email to him begging his forgiveness for a previous email I'd sent, where I'd told him I didn't think I could get married if my family weren't there to see me, and to please get in touch because I missed him so very much. 

He replied that he was 'flummoxed' by my behaviour (and rightfully so) but I reassured him that I was definitely going to return, even if it meant that I had to get a job in the UK to replenish my funds, I was definitely returning. 

And I meant it. I really did.

I even paid the deposit on the apartment we had newly rented just days before I left, in full faith that I would be back soon.

Now, I don't know if Twin Flames can control when/if/how they go silent or 'shut down', all I know that this behaviour lasted all of around four to six weeks maximum before I literally couldn't stand being apart from him anymore. I was sitting on my bed in floods of tears, absolutely beside myself with confusion when, what I can only describe as, a 'whoosh!' of love just came rushing to the surface and I just had to connect with him. 

Suddenly, nothing and no-one else mattered; I just wanted to be with him. I craved him. If I could've flown away to a desert island and spent my life with only him, I would have. 

Immediately, I threw open my laptop and typed out a hurried, but excited email. I asked him if he was angry with me and could he please get in touch as soon as he could. 

And I didn't panic too much when it went unanswered.

Instead, I just wrote another, asking him if he wanted to Skype seeing as though it'd been so long since we'd seen and talked to one another? Again, it went unanswered. And again, I didn't worry too much; I knew how hard he worked, how crazy his hours were and I hadn't exactly been the most consistent communicator, after all.

After a week of unanswered emails, I decided to call him. But his phone went straight to voicemail. Over and over. I left voicemail after increasingly tearful voicemail, desperate to reach him. 

In desperation, I emailed our landlord, explaining that I was trying to arrange my return to the USA, but was struggling to locate my Love to make firm arrangements and could he please let him know that I'm trying to get in touch.

The landlord (who didn't live locally) emailed back to let me know that he'd sent someone over to the apartment and there'd been no answer when they'd knocked at the door, which just sent me into a tailspin -- suddenly I wasn't so much concerned with getting in touch with him as much as ensuring his wellbeing.

Later, he emailed me to let me know that my Love had been located, was fine and had 'probably' been instructed to get in touch, and that's all the information he had. I thanked him and anxiously awaited contact. Surely, now that my Love knew how hard I was working to get in touch with him, he would talk to me?

Strange as it sounds, by this point I was anxious but wasn't panicking too much. I knew he had an aversion to online communication and really only used it because of me, so up until that point, I convinced myself that I just kept 'missing' him, and I was convinced, so utterly convinced, that once I'd explained what had happened, it would all blow over and we could move forward.

It wasn't until he appeared as a 'recommended friend' on my Facebook profile and he rejected my friend request that the panic started to truly set in. He didn't even use Facebook so the fact that he had an account was new to me, and now I knew for sure that he had in fact been at a computer and that he was purposely avoiding me. 

I wrote him a letter, on Playboy bunny notebook paper (an inside joke) in a feeble attempt at lightening the mood between us. I sent it using overseas tracking and I watched everyday via the USPS website for almost two weeks only for him to not even pick it up from the post office. 

I did the same a second time and the same thing happened. 

As a last resort, I attempted to contact his family, who were just as in the dark about his behaviour as I was. His mother told me that she had gone to our apartment and either, he was always out, or he just refused to come to the door. I knew he wouldn't like me talking to his family without his knowledge but at the time I justified it by telling myself that he knew I was trying to get in contact with him, so he should have just talked to me in the first place.

And though he said nothing, his silence told me everything my Ego wanted me to know, "He's not fighting for you because you gave him nothing to fight for or hold onto! You're a failure and a screw-up! Who would want to fight for you? Who wants to hold onto a failure like you? You're not worth it!"

I knew in my heart I was none of those things and prayed for a chance at redemption, a chance to do it all again, but with none of the anxiety and fear that had anchored me down for longer and deeper than I had ever realised. 

I knew I'd acted like a colossal douchebag, but didn't even douchebags deserve a chance to explain their side of the story? Didn't even the douchiest criminals in all of history get a fair trial? Where was my fair trial?

I kept telling myself, "If I could just get him on the phone, if I could just get him to read my email, if I could just get him on messenger then I can explain and everything will be okay." After all, wasn't he, in fact, the one who told me that there wasn't anything we couldn't get through if we just talk about it?

The silence was merciless, unrelenting.

I don't even believe in 'God' in the religious sense but even I dropped to my knees on several occasions, praying for mercy. But there was none. No mercy, no relenting, no moment of, "Clearly she's deeply sorry for her actions, I should probably put her out of her misery now."

Trying to communicate with him was like repeatedly ramming up against a brick wall, like he had just... turned to stone.

That man would've won Gold medals in the Olympics for communication avoidance for all the gymnastics he performed trying to avoid talking to me.

"But thiefofstars," I hear you cry, "if you were so desperate to get back to him, why didn't you just book a flight to go back?"

Well, eventually, that's exactly what I did.

After a failed attempt at getting in touch with him via his workplace, I just bit the bullet and booked a flight and emailed him to tell him so. Things weren't looking good, but at least I would have some answers. I hadn't even received a break-up email or phone call from him and I held onto that as proof things could still be turned around.

After all, I hadn't left out of a lack of love for him; I hadn't even left because I didn't want to be with him. It had all been one big, misunderstanding brought on by a lack of communication... and you don't just throw away a ten year relationship just because of a lack of communication, right? 

All that was needed was an open, honest heart-to-heart, I told myself.

I don't know whether it was the flight I'd booked or the attempt to reach him at work that did it, or whether something I'd said had finally pricked a hole in his communication bubble, but the morning after I'd booked the flight, I woke up early and powered up my laptop. 

And there it was, just perched casually in my inbox. After spending the entire month of August tying myself in knots trying to get in touch, was an email from him.

Apprehensively, I opened it and the colour drained from my face as I read what it said.

'It's probably best you don't come. You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm not angry, just very disappointed, sad, depressed.'

It was brief, scolding and almost parental in tone and all of my worst fears about myself realised. 

(To be continued)

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 2: A Disturbance in The Force

Here I am
And within the reach of my hands
She's sound asleep and she's sweeter now
Than the wildest dream could have seen her
And I watch her slipping away

--Hunting High and Low, a-ha

From the moment we are born, each and every one of us has the capacity to love and be loved unconditionally. Babies don't ask, "Do I deserve love?" They instinctively just know they are meant to be loved. Unfortunately, from the moment of birth we start a gradual process of accumulating energetic baggage that lays the foundations for our behaviours, patterns, perceptions and expectations for the remainder of our lives.

This begins with our parents and families, how they raise us, our relationship with them and their expectations of us. And then, we go out into the world and interact with our peer groups and suddenly society starts to weigh in. And finally, when we start to form relationships of our own and choose our own partners in life, all of the lessons that we have learned thus far, either through observing those around us or what we have learned through our own experiences stick to us like invisible sticky-notes and becomes unconsciously embedded in our energy and affect the vibration we emit. This is why people who have observed negative relationship patterns in early life have a tendency to repeat them in their own relationships, even when they don't intend to. 

It's a sad fact that throughout our lives, we are constantly bombarded with relationship lies masquerading as truths. Lies like, 'all men cheat', 'love is hard', 'marriage never lasts', 'true love doesn't exist', to name a few. All lies of course, but they're so embedded in our cultural dialogue that we automatically start to believe them without realising and it affects us everyday in ways we're not even aware of.

Perhaps you've heard people describe themselves as having a 'devil' or an 'angel' either on their shoulder or whispering in their ear? 

That 'devil' of which they speak of, is in fact your Ego. And your Ego loves to lie to to you. It thrives off of it. It keeps note of every disappointment, every hurt, every wound and it loves to remind you of them. Often. And loudly. Ego is hard to ignore. 

The 'angel' in this equation is more commonly known as your Intuition. Unlike Ego, Intuition is subtle, gentle and easy to brush off. How many times have you had a 'gut feeling' about a situation but ignored it, only to find out you were right to feel that way all along? Intuition sees the truth in any given situation, not only wants what is best, but knows what is best for you and will never lead you in the wrong direction. 

So, when confronted with a situation in which you don't know what course of action to take, Intuition will whisper, "Everything is going to be okay, trust me", Ego will scream, "You remember what happened the last time? Run for the hills! Run! Run!!" (Or vice versa, if the case may be) 

Because Twin Flames are so energetically attuned with one another, 'made for each other' for lack of a better expression, the battle between Ego and Intuition that happens in all relationships is magnified. Any unresolved issues and unhealed wounds, start bubbling to the surface and the previously perfectly oiled relationship machine starts to stall and grind. A powerful mirroring effect starts to occur where the twins will start to become, or appear to become, what the other most fears (e.g. if you fear being abandoned, your twin will appear to abandon you), thus triggering a 'fight or flight' response, which typically results in 'flight.'

What this means is that one twin, will just check out of the relationship completely, pretty much overnight. It's often sudden, abrupt, no reasons given and the twin that's left behind, becomes invisible, even repellent to them. Even if they are completely and utterly in love with you, they will just shut down on you. Just completely shut you out. It's as if something just descends out of nowhere and the previously loving and adoring twin just switches 'off' leaving only a void of eerie silence behind and the other one left in a state of utter bewilderment, rejection and confusion. 

And thus, Twin Flame separation begins.

Once this happens, you can pretty much kiss any and all relationship 'rules' goodbye. Just forget them. They won't work. Literally, the only arrow you now have in your bow is yourself. 

Even if you somehow manage to extract a morsel of communication from them during this time, it will typically be very cryptic, aloof, even cruel. 

The silent treatment that often accompanies Twin Flame separation, though brutal, does actually serve a purpose. It's very easy to love someone who is kind, loving, attentive and all those good things. But what if they could give you nothing? And I mean, nothing. Not comfort, not reassurance, not encouragement. Could you still love them? It's the ultimate lesson in tough love.

There is no real way of sugar-coating this, but Twin Flame separation is horrendous. I've heard it described somewhere as like being stabbed, over and over, multiple times without dying, and this would be accurate. Everything you know, or think you know, about love is being tested and challenged in the most brutal of ways and I've heard from multiple sources that it's very common for Twin Flames to be incorrectly diagnosed with mental disorders during this time. Expect periods of deep depression, anxiety, sadness, fear, insomnia, loss of appetite, physical sickness and even thoughts of suicide and self-destruction. 

The separation stage invokes a 'purging and releasing' reaction, where your body starts to deprogram and reboot itself. All those unhealed wounds, insecurities and energetic sticky-notes that rendered you incapable of giving and receiving love completely unconditionally in the past, are brought up to be confronted, released and just plain ripped off. As far as I'm aware this process is involuntary and lasts an undetermined length of time. It could last weeks, months - even years - largely depending on the type of issues being dealt with and the ability of the individual to surrender to the process. The more resistance there is, the more lengthly and painful it will be. And yes, it does feel a lot like going crazy. 

It all sounds so fantastical and other-worldly, right? 

I know that if he ever reads this he won't believe me, but when I set foot on US soil at the end of March 2015, I was the happiest I had ever been in my adult life. The life I'd always dreamed of and the only man I'd ever dreamed of living it with were finally within my reach and it felt better than I'd ever imagined.

However, you'd never have known that from the way I behaved. 

I would say within about two weeks, I became really irrationally irritated and moody, for no reason. I started to slowly withdraw into myself and from my Love. I put it down to a case of homesickness at first, but eventually I withdrew so far into myself I couldn't even be intimate with him anymore. I'd look at him sometimes and my heart would break because I wanted him so badly, but felt like I had swallowed a lead weight that anchored me to the spot. 

I tried to verbalise what I was feeling to him several times but because I didn't know what I was feeling I didn't succeed very well. He asked me, "Where is all this coming from?" And truthfully, I didn't know. 

And what made it so much worse is that he was so patient and understanding. He didn't confront me or push me for an explanation at all and this only highlighted the fact that I felt like a complete and utter bitch. You see, I had suffered with depression and anxiety, with varying degrees of severity, since I was in my mid-teens but it really took a hold on me during my Love's first 'disappearance', and I'd been more or less under it's grip ever since. Apart from our very earliest communication, I don't think he has ever known me not under depression's grip in some fashion. There aren't words in the English language adequate enough to express how sad that makes me.

I had also come from a family dynamic where my family, whilst loving, were also overbearing and controlling. It had the effect that I was always made to feel like my needs and wants as an individual were always secondary to my parents needs and wants for me. I felt as though I was made to feel bad for wanting 'more' than what was made available at face value to me. 

Suddenly, I was in this relationship where my needs and wants were paramount and I felt 'bad' for expressing myself!

In the midst of all this internal conflict I was experiencing, I received the news that my paternal grandmother had had a fall that caused her to break her neck and this had triggered a chain reaction of infections and illnesses and she wasn't expected to live for much longer. This, on on top of the guilt I was already feeling, caused my brain to just implode and I felt a UK sized magnet beckoning me home and I felt powerless to stop it. 

You see, even though Twin Flames share an energetic blueprint, and have traits, qualities and talents that complement one another, there seems to be a pattern where there is usually one or more polarising points of contention between them. For he and I, that was definitely our attitude towards our families. 

I had always been very close to mine, in spite of my problems with them. He, on the other hand had a very strained relationship with his. 

I wanted independence from my family but also still wanted them to be a part of my life, and as such I wanted them to get to know my Love, even if it was only for him to come on Skype just to say, 'Hi' once in a while. I didn't expect him to become best friends with them. But when he flat-out refused to do so on several occasions, his resolve to not even meet me halfway started to scare me. 

Remember how I explained that when the congested energy starts to mess with your perception, it can give the illusion that your Twin Flame starts to almost 'become' your fears? Well, I started feeling afraid that he was going to make me choose -- my family or him. And I couldn't understand why I couldn't have both.

'But, thiefofstars,' I hear you cry, 'if you high-tailed back to your home country, didn't you in fact, choose them over him?'

Well, no, not at all.

Because he was so intent on being so mysterious, what had happened was I had sort of just... slunk out of town via the back door, without saying a proper good-bye to my friends and even some family members -- including my then dying grandmother. I thought that maybe what I was feeling was a lack of finality? And maybe, just maybe, if I went back to my home town for a few weeks, I could tie up some loose ends and give myself some closure so that could come back and give our relationship all of my attention and focus. 

So, you see, I wanted to give him all of my attention and focus, but I felt like I couldn't do that until I'd identified what was causing me so much distress.

It also didn't help that I didn't book a return flight back to US. My line of thinking was that I didn't want to be held to a return date if I should have to attend my grandmother's funeral whilst I was there. Of course, I didn't do a very good job of explaining any of this to him. The pain and confusion was etched clear in his face when he realised what I'd done. I guess looking back, I was probably mirroring some of his fears, too.

The night I left, I felt like I had pretty much been reduced to a zombie-like state. 

This isn't to say that it was all doom and gloom when we were together because that truly wasn't the case. Amongst the many, many wonderful memories I have is one particular impromptu evening walk we took together, where we sat in a park for hours just talking until it turned dark and when we eventually walked home, the night sky was so clear we could see Venus. 

Or the badly made cups of tea he'd bring me each morning that I'd drink anyway. 

Or the last weekend we spent together where he took me to see a local baseball game-- my first sporting event ever!

Or the times I'd fall asleep before him and he would lean over and kiss me on the head or cheek before turning in himself. 

Or the many walks past the duck-filled river on the way into town. 

I dearly love taking photographs, especially of nature. My Love doesn't care much for photographs, preferring instead to hold memories in his head only, whereas I think there's something just so beautiful about being able to capture a moment in time, to make it tangible and shareable with others (polarities, see?). Of course, my creativity during this time took a huge nosedive, and I could weep oceans for all the missed opportunities for creativity and making memories -- even if he didn't want to be in any of the pictures. 

I don't typically believe in regrets, as I believe everything happens for a reason, but man, if I could look back over my life and have only one regret, only one, it would be leaving him that day.

(To be continued)

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 1: The Yin/Yang Theory

"If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration"

--Nikola Tesla

Hi, my name is thiefofstars and I am a twin flame.

I'm going to tell you a secret; most people know that when you fall in love with someone, I mean really fall in love, you don't fall for their face or their body. But what most people don't know is that you don't even fall for their personality or their mind. What you actually fall for is their energy. 

So when people talk about meeting their 'soulmate', what they're actually referring to is energy recognition (sometimes referred to as 'soul recognition'.) This is when someone's energy is so vibrationally attuned with your own that you are magnetically drawn to them and they to you. 

This is why two people can seem so mismatched and lacking anything in common on the surface but experience crazy, intense chemistry and love together and why others can be so perfect for one another on paper but lack any kind of chemistry or connection. It's also why you can be attracted to, or even repelled by, someone without any rhyme or reason. 

You may have heard phrases like 'cut from the same cloth' or 'on the same wavelength'. These are all phrases that refer to this exact experience. 

A soulmate is identified as someone who comes into your life at a time when you need them most to give you what you are most in need of at that time, whether it be a relationship, a shoulder to cry on, a life lesson or whatever it may be. Some come into your life as a permanent fixture, some are temporary and will leave your life when they are no longer needed or necessary to complete your life's journey. 

Even as you are reading this, I bet the name of someone who fits this description popped into your head. Some of you may even be able to name a few. 

However...

There is a particular type of soulmate whose energetic vibration is so intrinsically in tune with yours it is literally like meeting yourself in another body. It knows not of age, time or distance. It doesn't care what religion you are, how much is in your bank account or your current relationship status. It is so magnetic, so powerful it will overcome insurmountable odds, break down cultural and societal barriers, defy all logic and cross oceans just to connect with you. Once you have experienced it, you will never, ever be able to go back to the person you were before.

This, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is your Twin Flame. 

Now, if you have stumbled upon this post you probably already have a vague idea of what twin flames are and are most likely very confused right now and in a lot of pain desperately seeking answers yourself. Just a few short months ago, that was me. 

The concept of twin flames isn't entirely new to me. I have been interested in many New Age topics and philosophies since I was a teenager and many times would come across articles about twin flames, but I always skipped over them. It was something that just never interested me. 

Contrary to mainstream belief, soul mates, twin flames or 'other halves' are not a made-up invention by popular culture in order to sell more cards on Valentine's Day or to torture single people into feeling incomplete if they're not in a relationship. They're just labels; labels given to a phenomenon that has existed in numerous cultures worldwide for as long as there has been mankind. 

In Chinese philosophy there is the concept of duality or 'Yin and Yang', where two opposing yet complimentary forces are strong independently, but even stronger when combined. 

In Emily Bronte's novel 'Wuthering Heights', a novel about the tempestuous relationship between Cathy and Heathcliff - two lovers who perceive themselves to be unable to be together because of class and societal judgement and prejudice - Cathy says of Heathcliff, "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

Even Plato wrote about it in 'The Symposium.' He wrote that in the beginning, human beings were created with four arms, four legs, two faces and Zeus was so intimidated by their power that he split them in two, condemning them to wander the earth in search of their 'other half.'

What's interesting to note is that even as far back as the Ancient Greeks, a time in history when romantic love was not a priority and people were expected to marry for reasons other than romantic love, human beings still had a notion that there might be another 'you', out there somewhere in the world. 

Even though I truly believe that there are no co-incidences and you are always where you are 'meant to be' at any given moment, I do wonder if I hadn't skipped over those articles and learned about the twin flame phenomenon, what it really was and what it entailed, if I'd only been aware, just how different could my life have been?

Right from the get-go I knew that my relationship with him was completely and utterly different and unique from anything or with anyone else in my life. 

We initially connected online almost eleven years ago and bonded over a shared love of movies, books and writing. I was twenty-two, living in the UK but the fact that he was thirteen years older than me and lived on the other side of the Atlantic (he was living in San Francisco at the time so he was really on the other side) never affected the ease or fluidity of our communication. Right from the beginning, I felt as though I could tell him anything.

In a strange twist of fate, some of our earliest conversations were discussing the concept of fate and destiny and whether it really exists. What I wouldn't give to be able to re-read those conversations with the perspective and knowledge I have now.

More recently he tried to share his love of the TV series, 'Twin Peaks' with me because it combined elements that interested us both; interesting plot and characterisation for him and strange and supernatural ideas for me. I could actually kick myself right now out of the irony of it all.

He was very smart, well-read, well-travelled, and aware of my desire to have my mind and my horizons expanded, he devised 'well-read' book lists and influential movie lists for me, to give me an idea of what I should be reading and watching. I used to love how he would challenge me and force me to think outside the box. I truly credit him with influencing me into becoming the person I am today and I wouldn't be half the person I am, if it were not for him. 

Just a few short months after we connected, he took a trip to Antarctica. When he returned he told me that he usually doesn't mind not being able to communicate or be communicated with - hell, he even relished it - but for some reason he didn't like not being able to get in touch with me. We hadn't even spoken on the phone or seen one another at this point. The first time he disappeared was shortly after I sent him a picture of myself for the first time. This apparently sparked something in him and I didn't hear from him for months.

I don't think I ever told him the effect that that initial loss of his presence had on me, even back then. In the end it never mattered what I chose to tell him or what I chose to keep to myself because he always had the uncanny ability to see straight through me anyway. I once told him that someone on my degree course had described me as 'mysterious' and it wasn't the first time I'd been called that. He simply laughed and said, "No you're not"

I never really tried to define or label our relationship. He was never 'just' anything to me; he was never 'just' a friend or boyfriend. He was equal parts mentor, teacher, best friend, boyfriend and... something else to me. And even then the term 'boyfriend' never quite cut it. It never seemed quite the right word to describe what he was to me. There just didn't seem to be one. 'Boyfriend' always seemed a bit disrespectful, trivial even. Even after we made our romantic feelings known, I very rarely, if ever, referred to him as my boyfriend. I wonder if he ever noticed? 

He used the term to refer to himself a few times, so I guess he never got that memo. 

He once even told me that he had feelings for me that he couldn't really define and described it as 'misplaced paternalism', which is strange because twin flame love is a lot like parental love, in the sense that it is completely and utterly unconditional; it is only societal conditioning and baggage accumulated via life experience that stops it from flowing freely. 

When he eventually returned, it didn't matter to me where he'd been, what he'd been up to or who with. I was just over the moon that he was back in my life. He told me that seeing me for the first time had caused him to think of me too often, and it was too much and he needed to take a breather. I begged him not to disappear again and he promised not to.

However a few years later, he got a job in Singapore and that's exactly what happened. I didn't want him to take the job because I knew the time difference was just too great for effective and regular communication and low and behold, he disappeared again. And once again, the moment he reappeared, I embraced him with open arms, just happy for his presence in my life. He told me he'd thought about never contacting me again, but the feelings he had for me were too strong not to. 

If anything, our relationship grew stronger and our feelings even deeper with each disappearing act. It was shortly after the second disappearing act that we went from tip-toeing around a romantic relationship to actually being in a romantic relationship. The strange thing is we never even really had a day where we became an official couple. People would ask us how long we'd been together and we couldn't give them an answer. It seemed as though we had been together all along and were only just then getting the chance to actually express it. Even then, there were still obstacles to overcome. 

Being in a long-term, long distance relationship in and of itself was never an actual issue for me. With that said, once we'd established that we had real feelings for each other, that's when I really started to crave physical interaction with him. I became a huge pain around this time and I commend him for being so patient with me. I wanted to know what it felt like to be in his physical presence, to know what his lips felt like pressed against mine; to know what his natural smell was, what the texture of his hair felt like and to know the sound of his voice when not through a telephone, and yes, I wanted physical intimacy with him. I didn't want those things because 'society' says I need to in order to have a 'valid' relationship. I wanted to experience those things for me. In my own mind, our relationship was just as valid and deserving of respect as if we had met under more conventional, socially acceptable circumstances. 

We didn't actually physically meet until almost two years later. I booked a flight over to see him when I knew we had a window of opportunity and we spent the most amazing week together. We didn't even do very much, because we didn't need to. Even simple things like grocery shopping or watching a movie together on the couch, things that most other people take for granted, were suddenly exciting experiences just because it was with each other. 

So you can imagine, when I jetted off to start our lives together in March 2015, I had every intention of squeezing every last solitary drop of experience out of my time with him. But as the saying goes, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

Looking back, I sometimes can't even bear to look at pictures of myself before that time because I just want to reach out to the poor, innocent, unsuspecting woman in the photograph and go