Twin Flames Anonymous Part 2: A Disturbance in The Force

Here I am
And within the reach of my hands
She's sound asleep and she's sweeter now
Than the wildest dream could have seen her
And I watch her slipping away

--Hunting High and Low, a-ha

From the moment we are born, each and every one of us has the capacity to love and be loved unconditionally. Babies don't ask, "Do I deserve love?" They instinctively just know they are meant to be loved. Unfortunately, from the moment of birth we start a gradual process of accumulating energetic baggage that lays the foundations for our behaviours, patterns, perceptions and expectations for the remainder of our lives.

This begins with our parents and families, how they raise us, our relationship with them and their expectations of us. And then, we go out into the world and interact with our peer groups and suddenly society starts to weigh in. And finally, when we start to form relationships of our own and choose our own partners in life, all of the lessons that we have learned thus far, either through observing those around us or what we have learned through our own experiences stick to us like invisible sticky-notes and becomes unconsciously embedded in our energy and affect the vibration we emit. This is why people who have observed negative relationship patterns in early life have a tendency to repeat them in their own relationships, even when they don't intend to. 

It's a sad fact that throughout our lives, we are constantly bombarded with relationship lies masquerading as truths. Lies like, 'all men cheat', 'love is hard', 'marriage never lasts', 'true love doesn't exist', to name a few. All lies of course, but they're so embedded in our cultural dialogue that we automatically start to believe them without realising and it affects us everyday in ways we're not even aware of.

Perhaps you've heard people describe themselves as having a 'devil' or an 'angel' either on their shoulder or whispering in their ear? 

That 'devil' of which they speak of, is in fact your Ego. And your Ego loves to lie to to you. It thrives off of it. It keeps note of every disappointment, every hurt, every wound and it loves to remind you of them. Often. And loudly. Ego is hard to ignore. 

The 'angel' in this equation is more commonly known as your Intuition. Unlike Ego, Intuition is subtle, gentle and easy to brush off. How many times have you had a 'gut feeling' about a situation but ignored it, only to find out you were right to feel that way all along? Intuition sees the truth in any given situation, not only wants what is best, but knows what is best for you and will never lead you in the wrong direction. 

So, when confronted with a situation in which you don't know what course of action to take, Intuition will whisper, "Everything is going to be okay, trust me", Ego will scream, "You remember what happened the last time? Run for the hills! Run! Run!!" (Or vice versa, if the case may be) 

Because Twin Flames are so energetically attuned with one another, 'made for each other' for lack of a better expression, the battle between Ego and Intuition that happens in all relationships is magnified. Any unresolved issues and unhealed wounds, start bubbling to the surface and the previously perfectly oiled relationship machine starts to stall and grind. A powerful mirroring effect starts to occur where the twins will start to become, or appear to become, what the other most fears (e.g. if you fear being abandoned, your twin will appear to abandon you), thus triggering a 'fight or flight' response, which typically results in 'flight.'

What this means is that one twin, will just check out of the relationship completely, pretty much overnight. It's often sudden, abrupt, no reasons given and the twin that's left behind, becomes invisible, even repellent to them. Even if they are completely and utterly in love with you, they will just shut down on you. Just completely shut you out. It's as if something just descends out of nowhere and the previously loving and adoring twin just switches 'off' leaving only a void of eerie silence behind and the other one left in a state of utter bewilderment, rejection and confusion. 

And thus, Twin Flame separation begins.

Once this happens, you can pretty much kiss any and all relationship 'rules' goodbye. Just forget them. They won't work. Literally, the only arrow you now have in your bow is yourself. 

Even if you somehow manage to extract a morsel of communication from them during this time, it will typically be very cryptic, aloof, even cruel. 

The silent treatment that often accompanies Twin Flame separation, though brutal, does actually serve a purpose. It's very easy to love someone who is kind, loving, attentive and all those good things. But what if they could give you nothing? And I mean, nothing. Not comfort, not reassurance, not encouragement. Could you still love them? It's the ultimate lesson in tough love.

There is no real way of sugar-coating this, but Twin Flame separation is horrendous. I've heard it described somewhere as like being stabbed, over and over, multiple times without dying, and this would be accurate. Everything you know, or think you know, about love is being tested and challenged in the most brutal of ways and I've heard from multiple sources that it's very common for Twin Flames to be incorrectly diagnosed with mental disorders during this time. Expect periods of deep depression, anxiety, sadness, fear, insomnia, loss of appetite, physical sickness and even thoughts of suicide and self-destruction. 

The separation stage invokes a 'purging and releasing' reaction, where your body starts to deprogram and reboot itself. All those unhealed wounds, insecurities and energetic sticky-notes that rendered you incapable of giving and receiving love completely unconditionally in the past, are brought up to be confronted, released and just plain ripped off. As far as I'm aware this process is involuntary and lasts an undetermined length of time. It could last weeks, months - even years - largely depending on the type of issues being dealt with and the ability of the individual to surrender to the process. The more resistance there is, the more lengthly and painful it will be. And yes, it does feel a lot like going crazy. 

It all sounds so fantastical and other-worldly, right? 

I know that if he ever reads this he won't believe me, but when I set foot on US soil at the end of March 2015, I was the happiest I had ever been in my adult life. The life I'd always dreamed of and the only man I'd ever dreamed of living it with were finally within my reach and it felt better than I'd ever imagined.

However, you'd never have known that from the way I behaved. 

I would say within about two weeks, I became really irrationally irritated and moody, for no reason. I started to slowly withdraw into myself and from my Love. I put it down to a case of homesickness at first, but eventually I withdrew so far into myself I couldn't even be intimate with him anymore. I'd look at him sometimes and my heart would break because I wanted him so badly, but felt like I had swallowed a lead weight that anchored me to the spot. 

I tried to verbalise what I was feeling to him several times but because I didn't know what I was feeling I didn't succeed very well. He asked me, "Where is all this coming from?" And truthfully, I didn't know. 

And what made it so much worse is that he was so patient and understanding. He didn't confront me or push me for an explanation at all and this only highlighted the fact that I felt like a complete and utter bitch. You see, I had suffered with depression and anxiety, with varying degrees of severity, since I was in my mid-teens but it really took a hold on me during my Love's first 'disappearance', and I'd been more or less under it's grip ever since. Apart from our very earliest communication, I don't think he has ever known me not under depression's grip in some fashion. There aren't words in the English language adequate enough to express how sad that makes me.

I had also come from a family dynamic where my family, whilst loving, were also overbearing and controlling. It had the effect that I was always made to feel like my needs and wants as an individual were always secondary to my parents needs and wants for me. I felt as though I was made to feel bad for wanting 'more' than what was made available at face value to me. 

Suddenly, I was in this relationship where my needs and wants were paramount and I felt 'bad' for expressing myself!

In the midst of all this internal conflict I was experiencing, I received the news that my paternal grandmother had had a fall that caused her to break her neck and this had triggered a chain reaction of infections and illnesses and she wasn't expected to live for much longer. This, on on top of the guilt I was already feeling, caused my brain to just implode and I felt a UK sized magnet beckoning me home and I felt powerless to stop it. 

You see, even though Twin Flames share an energetic blueprint, and have traits, qualities and talents that complement one another, there seems to be a pattern where there is usually one or more polarising points of contention between them. For he and I, that was definitely our attitude towards our families. 

I had always been very close to mine, in spite of my problems with them. He, on the other hand had a very strained relationship with his. 

I wanted independence from my family but also still wanted them to be a part of my life, and as such I wanted them to get to know my Love, even if it was only for him to come on Skype just to say, 'Hi' once in a while. I didn't expect him to become best friends with them. But when he flat-out refused to do so on several occasions, his resolve to not even meet me halfway started to scare me. 

Remember how I explained that when the congested energy starts to mess with your perception, it can give the illusion that your Twin Flame starts to almost 'become' your fears? Well, I started feeling afraid that he was going to make me choose -- my family or him. And I couldn't understand why I couldn't have both.

'But, thiefofstars,' I hear you cry, 'if you high-tailed back to your home country, didn't you in fact, choose them over him?'

Well, no, not at all.

Because he was so intent on being so mysterious, what had happened was I had sort of just... slunk out of town via the back door, without saying a proper good-bye to my friends and even some family members -- including my then dying grandmother. I thought that maybe what I was feeling was a lack of finality? And maybe, just maybe, if I went back to my home town for a few weeks, I could tie up some loose ends and give myself some closure so that could come back and give our relationship all of my attention and focus. 

So, you see, I wanted to give him all of my attention and focus, but I felt like I couldn't do that until I'd identified what was causing me so much distress.

It also didn't help that I didn't book a return flight back to US. My line of thinking was that I didn't want to be held to a return date if I should have to attend my grandmother's funeral whilst I was there. Of course, I didn't do a very good job of explaining any of this to him. The pain and confusion was etched clear in his face when he realised what I'd done. I guess looking back, I was probably mirroring some of his fears, too.

The night I left, I felt like I had pretty much been reduced to a zombie-like state. 

This isn't to say that it was all doom and gloom when we were together because that truly wasn't the case. Amongst the many, many wonderful memories I have is one particular impromptu evening walk we took together, where we sat in a park for hours just talking until it turned dark and when we eventually walked home, the night sky was so clear we could see Venus. 

Or the badly made cups of tea he'd bring me each morning that I'd drink anyway. 

Or the last weekend we spent together where he took me to see a local baseball game-- my first sporting event ever!

Or the times I'd fall asleep before him and he would lean over and kiss me on the head or cheek before turning in himself. 

Or the many walks past the duck-filled river on the way into town. 

I dearly love taking photographs, especially of nature. My Love doesn't care much for photographs, preferring instead to hold memories in his head only, whereas I think there's something just so beautiful about being able to capture a moment in time, to make it tangible and shareable with others (polarities, see?). Of course, my creativity during this time took a huge nosedive, and I could weep oceans for all the missed opportunities for creativity and making memories -- even if he didn't want to be in any of the pictures. 

I don't typically believe in regrets, as I believe everything happens for a reason, but man, if I could look back over my life and have only one regret, only one, it would be leaving him that day.

(To be continued)