Dream Diary #122 + #123: Bleeding Love + Ghost Town

(I actually had this dream more than a week ago but didn't write it down as I found it quite upsetting)

It seemed that my dream had come true and my Love and I were in each other's lives again and what's more, he appeared to be making an effort with my family, interacting with and getting to know them.

But before I could get too happy and content I glanced down at myself and realised that I was bleeding heavily from between my legs! Instinctively, I knew that I was experiencing a miscarriage, despite not being aware I was even pregnant.

In total shock and horror, I immediately went to my Love, expecting him to show concern and worry but instead, he just took one look at me and turned away - his face completely expressionless and unemotional.

I stood there covered in blood and sobbing with devastation and confusion.

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(I actually had this dream before the attack in Manchester)

Due to the various terrorist events occurring worldwide as well as the increasingly volatile state of the political world, I began to notice that fewer and fewer people were showing up to work each day.

My job isn't without it's risks, even at the best of times, but now people simply didn't feel safe, not only to come to work but to be out in general. As a result the whole town where I lived started to resemble a ghost town.

This sent my employer into crisis mode and they called an emergency meeting for those of us who still dared show up to the office. They concluded that it was simply too risky to be at work and announced that the office would be closed down with immediate effect and dismissed everyone from the building.

At first, this was welcome news; I loved leaving the office early and having the rest of the day to do as I pleased. Even though I hated being unemployed due to the lack of money and therefore, opportunities, there was and is a small part of me that misses the lifestyle I had when I was unemployed and having the freedom to come and go as I choose without being tied to a schedule.

Then the reality of what had happened started to sink in - how was I going to support myself now? How was I going to afford to live and eat? And would I still be able to live in in the property where I live? In fact, how would anyone be able do any of these things if the town had just come grinding to a halt?

Dream Diary #120: Love and Understanding

After going 'off the grid' for several years, my True Love reappeared back in my life sleeping in a bush close my workplace (in reality there are no bushes close to where I work.) He looked dishevelled and disorientated, as if he had been sleeping for the whole time he'd been 'away' and was only just now waking up, with no idea how he got there.

I didn't care about his appearance as I ran towards him and threw my arms around him, so happy and excited to see him again. I had gotten so used to his lack of presence in my life the past few years that I didn't question him about a reconciliation or whether we would see each other again, and even accompanied him to the airport when the powers that be decided it was best for him to be returned to his home country.

I saw him off and returned to work, still amazed by the miracle of seeing him again after so long, albeit briefly, when I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't see him ever again. 

Various shenanigans took place at work and I had almost forgotten that I'd seen my True Love again, when as I was leaving to go home, I froze with shock when I saw him sitting in the street waiting for me.

His legs were missing from the knee down so he couldn't run away or go anywhere so I approached him and sat down. Suddenly, all of the repressed emotions that I had previously been holding back came rushing to the surface and I started to cry and explain how sorry I was and that I had never meant to hurt him or be apart for this long.

But before I could get my words out he took my hand and began repeating back to me exactly what I was going to say! 

Relief flooded through my me and my tears turned from sadness to joy as I thought, "You get it, you finally understand!" For the first time in so long, he wasn't ignoring or wilfully misunderstanding me and it felt so good!

I lay down next to him in the street, still holding hands.

Dream Diary #112: Oh, Baby

I was in the middle of a vacation at a luxury resort when I discovered that I was pregnant. Instinctively, I knew that the father was my Love, even though we haven't seen each other in almost a year and a half. I hadn't had a relationship or even slept with anyone else in the meantime, so the news came as a massive shock.

It was as if we had conceived the baby on another plane of existence and I was devastated because ultimately I was the one who was going to be left to raise it as a single mother, while his physical self didn't acknowledge me at all. It just didn't seem fair!

Also, the news had come at such an inconvenient time as I had just moved house and started a new job after being unemployed for an extended period of time and as I was so unprepared I feared I would have to move back in with my family for support.

I seriously considered a termination but an ultrasound revealed that I was already 22 weeks along and a termination would probably mean going through labour just to give birth to a dead or dying baby, which I obviously didn't want to do.

The ultrasound also showed that the baby was a girl and something inside me told me that she was going to grow up and become an important and influential figure in humanity (hence why the powers that be had ensured her conception, despite mine and her father's lack of physical proximity) so I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

As I knew my Love wouldn't respond, I felt that I should call my Love's mother, out of courtesy, to tell her the news even though it would be such an awkward conversation to have.

My family was incredibly supportive even though they were as baffled by the situation as I was.

Dream Diary #111: Talk to the Hand 'cause the Heart Ain't Listening

I somehow found myself unexpectedly dating a guy at work. On paper, he was ideal boyfriend material; attractive, had a good job and seemed like a nice person but it puzzled me how we had gotten together in the first place as I hadn't pursued him and it seemed as though we had virtually nothing of substance in common; he seemed really down to earth and I felt as though I would have to stifle my quirky tendencies around him.

Also, there were far prettier women than me that were attracted to him, who seemed as though they'd be more on his wavelength, but for whatever reason, he'd picked me. 

My colleagues started treating me differently and with more respect, as the guy was in a position of some authority and since there was no 'real' reason for me not to like him, I found myself going along with the whole thing in spite of my doubts.

I experienced a brief moment of a jet-set lifestyle as I flew to a nondescript store in the USA to browse art supplies. My littlest toddler nephew was holding onto my hand as we left the store and as we did so, a sense of peace washed over me as if I had suddenly 'come home.' My memory was suddenly triggered and I remembered I had a True Love and that I was supposed to be here with him.

I realised my life at home was not authentic to who I truly was and found myself finding excuses not to leave. I muttered to my nephew that I should drive us to the beach but I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable. I had to face up to the situation some time.

To my dismay, I came home to find out that my boyfriend had booked us a weekend away and had bragged about all the sexual things he was going to do with me whilst there to everyone at work and suddenly all the prestige and fanfare that came with being the girlfriend of a popular, lusted after guy in the workplace that had seemed somewhat appealing at first, became repulsive to me. Besides, we still barely even knew each other and I couldn't even recall one unique quality about him that set him apart from any other attractive man I'd met. It became apparent that his attraction to me was highly superficial.

I couldn't go through the motions of a relationship just to please other people so I had to break up with him regardless of whether others would understand my reasons for doing so. I started to cry because I couldn't believe how disconnected I felt towards my surroundings.

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 6: Rebel Hearts

So I took the road less travelled by

And I barely made it out alive 

Through the darkness somehow I survived

Tough Love - I knew it from the start

Deep down in the depths of my Rebel Heart

--Rebel Heart, Madonna

I felt like I had been held underwater for years then suddenly reached the surface and took a deep breath of fresh air.

I felt like I had just returned from war; dazed and confused, but grateful to be alive. 

And slowly, gradually, bit-by-bit... out of the ashes the 'real' me started to emerge. The me that had been buried under the rubble of depression, anxiety, fear of failure for longer than I'd ever realised. The me that didn't let the fearful voices of others discourage me from my desires - which I had regretfully done when fleeing my relationship.

Binaural beat meditation is seriously the closest thing I have ever experienced to a miracle in my life; within days of the first time doing it, I took a walk and I felt as though I was gliding down the street! A huge contrast to the person who just weeks before had walked down the street practically snarling at strangers. 

This relief was undermined only slightly by the lingering thought that, is that all that was wrong with me - a faulty switch in the brain? And all it took was just a flick of that switch and 'poof!' I functioned as a normal human being again? If I had discovered that a year before, would my life have turned out completely different?

I guess I'll never know now.

It was my experience with binaural beats that led me to retrain as a hypnotherapy practitioner and am currently in the process of wrapping up my studies. Another curious side effect of all that I'd experienced was the overwhelming feeling that I'd just 'evolved past' the mundane customer service positions I had previously worked in for years, just to get by.

I felt my sense of humour return and suddenly I was funny again! My creativity burst forth and I found myself with an insatiable desire to create, create, create. Even now, I get the idea for a photograph in my head and I can't rest until I've made it a reality. I know it's easy to criticise social media, but I am very thankful for my twitter and Instagram accounts which have provided me with a great outlet for therapy and creativity throughout this whole process. 

I was reluctant to put my experiences into words at first because although I have no idea if my Love reads any of my social media anymore, what if he looked me up one day and found this piece of writing? Would he think I was a lunatic? 

In the end I reasoned that, firstly, I literally couldn't rest until I'd put my story out there. I wasn't kidding when I said my innate desire to create had become insatiable. The words were literally begging to jump out of my head and into reality. Secondly, he has free will - if he comes across this piece and has a problem with anything I've written, he is more than welcome to challenge or disagree with me. And thirdly, he witnessed much of what I've written with his own eyes; he literally watched me turn from a jet-legged, but hopeful and excited young woman into the human equivalent of a crumpled piece of paper. He has very little wriggle room to argue.

It's not important to me whether he agrees with me or not. I don't need him to validate my experiences; I already know what I've been through. I don't care if he thinks of me as his 'twin flame' - in fact, I'd much rather he didn't think of me as his twin flame and that way he might be able to talk and interact with me like a regular human being! It's way more important to me that we communicate, rather than give one another fancy labels. 

I'm pretty sure that if he were to look at my social media he'd probably think I'd flipped my lid anyway, seeing as though - in the interest of becoming more authentic and true to myself - I've become way more outspoken in my spiritual, pseudo-scientific beliefs (that despite having a certain level of credible evidence to support them, are still derided upon in some scientific circles) but truth be told, they were always my beliefs! They may have gotten buried along with other things about myself - but they were always there. 

Besides, he knows. He may choose to not label it in this way, but he knows. He knew even before I knew! 

All twin flames know their innate relationship to one another, more or less, to some degree. Sometimes it's buried deep down. Sometimes it's buried deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down. But they know.

So you see, it hasn't been all doom and gloom, some good has come out of the silent treatment (and you have no idea how loathe I am to admit that!), and yet in spite of all the progress I have made, at the time of concluding this particular piece, he remains just as 'shut down' upon me as he was back in October. Disheartening as that is, after much reflection and brain-racking as to why that might be, I suspect that it is largely to do with the fact that in spite of all the good that has come of this, I am still struggling to forgive myself for my actions; I am by far my own harshest critic. After he told me that he was 'very disappointed' in me, my first instinct was to scream out, 'No-one is more disappointed in myself than I am - I don't need you, of all people, heaping your disappointment upon me!' And how am I supposed to expect him to forgive me, if I can't even forgive myself? 

It's extremely common for Twin Flames on the verge of 'awakening' to retreat to, or be 'pulled back to' toxic situations or relationships that they have long outgrown in order to transform and realise their full potential - and that was definitely true for me when coming back to my home-town. I can't even begin to describe what a dislodged Tetris piece I feel right now.

I may be where I've 'needed to be' in order for all of this to happen, but I am not where I belong.

I'm no longer afraid to put pictures or videos of me enjoying time with my family on social media; to me it's just me enjoying the moment and making memories until I'm ready to move onto the next natural progression in my life - not a 'do not disturb' badge. To do otherwise, would not be me being authentic. If he doesn't get that, that's his perception, not my intention. 

I love and miss him so very, very much. It's a love I barely know what to do with. He will never not be welcome in my life. I try not to think of what lies he tells himself in order to justify why he can't just talk to me, but I sincerely hope it's not a futile attempt to get me to realise I can 'do better' when there isn't a single person on this planet who has done, can do, and will continue to do what he has done for me. 

There's nothing I would've loved more than to just have discussed this directly with him, and to never have written this piece (which started out as one piece - can you believe that?) at all; but maybe, just maybe it was 'meant' to be this way?

I got the idea for this piece of writing many months before putting pen to paper, but as there was a specific approach I wanted to take, it took me a while to gather the right words together; I wanted to write my story in such a way that made it palatable to people who are not spiritually inclined. I wanted to leave out the esoteric parts about 'soul contracts'  and 'missions' (though I'm not necessarily denying that those things exist) and focus more on the aspects that are observable and tangible to even the most sceptic of believers. After all haven't we all known that one couple, you know the one, that no matter what happens, no matter who else comes into their life, no matter what obstacles come their way, they always somehow, someway, find their way back to one another?

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 5: Gravity of Love

Turn around, I can smell what you can't see

Close your eyes, it's so clear

Here's the mirror, behind there is a screen

On both ways you can get in

Don't think twice, before you listen to your heart

Follow the trace for a new start

--Gravity of Love, Enigma

After discovering the devastating truth behind my situation - and I knew it was the truth, no matter how much I wanted to deny it - and the pain of realising what I was really up against began to subside, came forth an unfathomable anger; an anger so fierce it flowed through my veins like molten lava.

I remember cursing loudly at a pedestrian that walked in front of me and cut me off on the street and calling a customer 'illiterate and stupid' within earshot of them at my job. The customer made a complaint about me of course, but I was nearing the end of my contract anyway and basically didn't care. I had all but checked out of humanity by this point and they both kinda deserved it anyway. 

I broke crockery when I slammed a metal spoon into a my cereal bowl so hard it smashed into a million pieces. I then had the embarrassing task of explaining how it'd broken due to me 'dropping' it - despite the fact that the room I was in at the time was carpeted. 

I chipped one of my bottom teeth through grinding my jaw due to stress.

My grandmother - who suffered the initial fall that caused her broken neck in May - passed away towards the end of November, peacefully, surrounded by her children (my aunts and father.)

I was still in the early stages of learning about Twin Flames and how the dynamic worked, so without really thinking about it and looking for some emotional support and comfort, I shot my Love an email shortly after I heard the news to let him know. Surely, the gravity of a bereavement and a decade of being in love and supporting one another was stronger and more powerful than the pain caused by misunderstanding and miscommunication right?

But even that went ignored. He couldn't even squeak out a simple 'sorry for your loss' and I was angry; my God was I angry!

I'm ashamed to say I lashed out at him more than once, but at the time it felt entirely justified. 

You'd think that with my Love and I's relationship being mostly long-distance, we wouldn't have experienced all the much together, but we actually went through a lot. We watched live coverage of the 2013 Oklahoma tornado together. When he was unexpectedly fired from his job I stayed online for hours to offer him emotional support, even though I was supposed to be babysitting. When he came back from Singapore he had to live with his father for a while, and when that came to an end, I gave him every penny I had (which wasn't a lot) to see him through. 

I didn't do any of that to 'get something in return'; even later when he tried to tell me he owed me the money back, I told him I didn't want it. All I wanted was to be with him and have a wonderful life together.

Instead, I was out of pocket for an apartment I had helped to obtain and told not to return to, living in a town that I had outgrown with seemingly no (easy) way out (because I was out of pocket), surrounded by people that hadn't the ability to comprehend what I was experiencing and dealing with my first real bereavement and everywhere I turned to for comfort, everything I was going through was chalked up to 'healing' and 'growth.' After being there for and comforting one another for years, suddenly it was 'wrong' to seek him out, because it's 'co-dependent.' 

Well, let me tell you, watching my cousins carry my grandmother's coffin down the aisle of my town's local church, I couldn't care less about being 'healed of my co-dependence'; even surrounded with literally hundreds of my grandmother's family and friends, I had never, ever felt so excruciatingly alone in my entire life. 

I was aware that everything bad I was experiencing was of my own doing but now that I was trying my hardest to un-do it, not one single, solitary person or circumstance would meet me halfway or fall even the slightest bit in my favour, like some sort of cruel nightmare. It just didn't seem fair - none of it did!  

I don't care how flowery or poetic the spiritual community wants to make the process sound with talks of 'separation is an illusion' and 'your twin flame is always with you in spirit', feeling alone when dealing with bereavement is beyond gut-wrenching. 

While I believe that 'separation is an illusion' is fundamentally true, sometimes it just isn't enough. Yeah, I said it. 'Being there in spirit' is not enough.

I know that's a very controversial thing to say in spiritual/twin flame circles, but it's true.

When I'm watching my grandmother's coffin disappear through the curtain to be cremated I don't understand why, "Well his physical self might be out eating lunch right now, but his higher self loves you very, very much and is always with you no matter what!" is supposed to be comforting - because it's not!

It was around this time I felt very drawn to images, pictures and song lyrics of male angels; I just so very desperately needed to believe that there was someone, somewhere that was capable of loving and not being disappointed in me if I didn't live up to his expectations. Maybe these images were an attempt by my Love's 'higher self' to let me know this, which is lovely, but I can't say in good conscience that it was a substitute for a strong pair of arms  wrapped around me and a shoulder to soak up my tears.

With that said, whenever I see a picture of a male angel, I still feel the need to share or acknowledge it in some way, even now.

I'm in a much better place in my life now so I don't view the situation with quite as much venom as I used to but I'm still a little disgusted that seeking comfort during traumatic events is even seen as 'co-dependence' in spiritual/twin flame circles. 

I get that the process is designed to be challenging and transformative for a reason, but just because something is a 'divine' doesn't mean it's not problematic. 

But I digress. 

Earlier that same month, on Bonfire Night, after months and months of feeling miserable, I decided to join my family going to watch a local public fireworks display; I love skywatching and I'd never considered taking video or photography of fireworks before, so I took the opportunity to do just that. I had only intended to find some joy and create something beautiful in all the misery I was feeling. 

Later, I shared some of the videos I took on my twitter feed. At the time my Love still followed me and a part of me just wanted him to see the videos and show him that I wasn't flaky, frigid and miserable to be around - I was fun to be around and creative!

Then another thought hit me; what if he didn't see it that way at all? What if he saw my video and didn't see his Love finding joy in a miserable situation? What if he saw it and thought, "Oh she's clearly happy, I shouldn't intervene and interfere with her happiness"? 

My Love always had a tendency to have a 'martyr' approach to love and relationships (at least with me, I can't speak for others) and repeatedly perpetuated the idea that he was willing to suffer in order for me to be happy. 

What if he was hovering on the edge of contacting me then saw my videos and interpreted them as me saying, "I'm happy where I am, please don't contact me" when that wasn't my intention at all?

Frankly, martyrdom in relationships has always annoyed the living daylights out of me, because I never bought into it. It doesn't translate as 'noble' or 'heroic' to me. Instead it just come across as not being authentic or true to yourself. 

Of course, I believe in respecting boundaries, so if someone explicitly says, "I'm happy as I am, please leave me alone" they should be believed and their wishes respected, I believe it goes both ways, so that when someone says, "I truly want to be with you" they too, should be believed, and if you don't want to reciprocate, do it because you don't really want to. Don't break their heart under the pretence of doing it because 'they deserve better' or 'it's for their own good' because you're not. You're just being a martyr and in the end nobody is truly happy and in many cases it's very unnecessary. 

Energetic- twin flame mirroring-meltdown notwithstanding, I always lit up inside whenever my Love was around. Why could he never see that?

A few nights later, in a fit of rage and tears, I momentarily blocked him (which simultaneously un followed him from me and I from him) telling myself as I did it, "Why should he get to know about my life and make assumptions about me when he won't even talk to me?" In truth, I didn't even want him to unfollow me, I just let frustration take over and I regretted it the moment I hit the 'block' button. I felt an instant 'disconnected' feeling and I realised how much comfort I drew from knowing on some level he was interested enough in me and my life to keep following me - and now it was gone. 

I have no idea if he even looks at any of my social media anymore, and if he does he certainly doesn't make me aware of it, but I decided to be transparent on my social media from that moment on. Blocking him and trying to hide things from him just made me feel horrible. 

I continued to lash out at him intermittently for a couple of months, thinking that taking my anger out on him would make me feel better - it didn't. Attempting to hurt him, hurt me and I ended up feeling worse. In a way, I found his resolve to not stoop down to my level and hit back at me incredibly admirable, even if it was maddening at the time.

Besides, it was no use - no amount of lashing out was going to hide the fact that, in spite of everything, after all that had happened, my internal heart GPS was firmly programmed to navigate in his direction and I was still just as much in love with him as I ever was, if not more so. His love was like gravity and the more I tried to pull away the stronger and more obvious my feelings became. 

2016 was fast approaching and I was tired. Tired of feeling angry, tired of feeling sad, tired of lashing out - tired of everything. Even before learning about twin flames, the whole situation had instinctively set in motion a desire in me to become the best version of myself that I could be and I knew that was the only way I was ever going to feel good about myself again.

So, as the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve, I opened my bedroom window to let the old year out and the New Year in (my New Year's tradition) and made a promise to myself that no matter what happens in the future, I would never, ever allow myself to sink as low as I did between June to December 2015. 

I don't know if it was the mental resolve to do just that or the binaural beat meditation I had discovered or something else entirely but within days, all of the anger, frustration, despair and internal chaos that had bubbled to the surface and consumed the last few months of my life, just... stopped.

(to be continued)

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 4: But Did You Die Though?

Tell me, why do lovers have to leave
I know it happens all the time
And it's so sad, cause this time it's you and me
I know I'm losing you but I just can't believe it, baby

--Forever, Tina Cousins

Oh, wow. The fourth part of this piece has taken longer to write than I first thought it would. In part, because re-living the thoughts, emotions and experiences I had in the latter half of 2015 has been more difficult than I thought it would be. 

But also, because each and every time a large scale tragedy hits the headlines I feel an incredible need to reach out to my Love, and yet I can never bring myself to do so. Since he and I 'went into separation' there have been terror attacks in Paris, Belgium and at the time of writing this piece, the more recent shootings in Orlando.

I think because it's one thing to have your innocuous attempts at communication go unanswered, ignored and rebuffed, but to have a genuine need to reach out to and connect with a fellow human being during times that shake you and remind you of the fragility of life met with complete and utter silence and rejection, is something else entirely.

Actually, now that I've written that down I realise how silly that sounds; life is fragile and not only should it not take a large scale tragedy to remind you of that, but also it should be perfectly okay to reach out to someone and tell them that you love them without the expectation of them saying it back. 

Suffice it to say, after I received his email, I reacted about as well as you'd expect someone whose entire hopes, dreams and wishes for the future had been snatched from right under their feet.  

The silence that occurs between twin flames serves to quieten the Ego, to make the Ego realise it is not in charge, giving Intuition a chance to step in and provide guidance... and my Ego quietened with about as much grace and ease as a cat being forced into a bath-tub full of water.

I bombarded him with emails, demanding answers. Why did he think 'it was best'? What had made him feel that way? Why would he just decide to end our relationship without giving me a chance to explain or defend myself? Why wouldn't he hear me out first before making such a drastic decision? 

I tried to explain that I had experienced an anxiety attack which had caused me to act erratically and in direct opposition with how I felt. I feel bad about that now, but at the time it was the closest thing to a 'rational' explanation that I had.

I emailed him a copy of the letters I'd sent him and begged and pleaded for him to let me know if he'd read them, just for my own sanity and peace of mind, which to my shock and surprise, he did!

He apologised for being 'incommunicado', his tone casual and lighthearted, as if he had no concept of what I had been going through, just to make contact with him. He went on to explain that my failure to return had made him sick and as a result he'd taken a break from the internet in order to 'cut down on the stressors.'

His words made me feel rotten inside. I'd been so caught up in my own pain that I hadn't even thought about what he might've been going through.

I knew that my behaviour had completely contradicted everything that I'd verbalised to him but I truly, truly, truly thought he knew that I was definitely returning.

I had paid the equivalent of thirteen hundred dollars for our new home together - why would I pay a sum of money like that for a place I never planned upon living in?

And in regards to my admission of my having experienced an anxiety attack? He simply said, 'Sorry you had an anxiety attack' - just like that.

This was a man who'd fretted over every sniffle and sneeze of mine for years; a man who'd made me gargle salt water before bed when I developed a cough due to not being used to the AC, a man who'd carefully applied bite cream to the backs of my legs when I'd forgotten to bring bug repellent during our first week together. 

And now he said, 'Sorry you had an anxiety attack', like it was nothing. Like I was nothing.

What had I done? I hadn't intended for any of this to happen. I'd come home temporarily to heal my relationship, not destroy it!

And I know it sounds completely crazy, to think that I thought I could act like a complete and utter fool and that he would just accept it, but that's honestly where my line of thinking was. I knew he'd understand. He would definitely understand, there was just no way he wouldn't understand.

No matter how many times I asked him, no matter how I worded it, he would not tell me why he felt the way he did.

Knowing what I know now, I think he wouldn't tell me because he didn't know why he felt the way he did. I still don't think he knows.

At this point, I was already experiencing some pretty crazy symptoms that I couldn't really explain. My core body temperature had risen and no matter how much I showered or bathed I was constantly clammy, sweaty and greasy. I was always exhausted, no matter how much I slept. 

I even experienced weird food cravings, most notably an insatiable desire for protein in the form of raw eggs and meat - which was truly bizarre after having been a Pescatarian (eating fish, but no meat) for well over a decade. 

This symptom in particular had already manifested whilst I was still in the US as my Love watched in amazement as I threw away all of my well-discussed Pescatarian beliefs in an instant as I ordered a greasy chicken burger from a restaurant. 

After he emailed me, however, my body went into overdrive.

I went to bed every night, convulsing and shaking with this weird 'heavy' feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I could only describe as the need to... 'confess', something?

His words rattled around inside my head, taunting me, "I'm just very disappointed... very disappointed... disappointed... you're a disappointment... a disappointment...'

Something deep within me was screaming out, 'I am not a disappointment! I am a good person! I am funny, creative, loving and kind... not a disappointment - I'm not!' But how was I ever supposed to show that to him, if he wouldn't even listen?

In frustration, I wrote An Open Letter right here on this very blog, desperate to find a way to get the feelings on the inside of me, outside. I entitled it 'open letter' but in truth I never actually expected him to read it. I still don't know if he did. I just wrote until the early hours of the morning, pressed the 'publish' button, then collapsed into an exhausted heap.

Later, I recognised that heavy feeling as the need to 'purge.' 

I cried constantly. And not just ordinary crying, either. Have you ever heard an infant cry for a prolonged period of time because the parent is unable to pick it up and comfort it? The crying was like that - visceral, primal. It was like a cry from deep within my soul. 

I cried myself into dehydration over and over again. I cried so hard I actually 'ran out of' snot and some other watery bodily fluid that burned the inside of my nose and smelled and tasted like chlorine came out instead. 

At my lowest point, I could feel a crying fit coming on but I didn't have the privacy I needed to unleash it so I locked myself in the bathroom, sat down on the floor, and bawled my eyes out, covering my mouth with my hands to conceal the literal howls being released from deep within my body. 

His behaviour was completely alien to me. He'd never even shown anger towards me before and now I felt like he hated me! 

I truly thought he trying to psychologically destroy me.

Now, I never actually attempted suicide, but that morning, leaning against the bath-tub, my eyes puffy and red and streaming with tears, 'substitute' snot pouring from my nose and into my mouth, I thought, "Is this it? Is this all I'm meant for?"

Even if I could get over losing him, even if I could ever forgive myself for leaving, even if I could ever open up and become vulnerable enough to have a relationship with someone else in the future, if I was just going to get ditched the moment I showed any kind of weakness or flaw anyway...what was the point?

Seriously, what was the point?

I thought about the ways in which I would do it: overdose? If it failed, I could end up with damaged vital organs. Throwing myself into the path of a moving vehicle? If I lived through it, I could end up paralysed, or having to have limbs amputated. Slitting my wrists? What if it didn't work and just ended up with severed nerves and tendons, rendering me unable to write or draw? Then where would I be? 

So, there you have it ladies and gentleman of the jury - I am still alive today, not because of the love I feel for my family, or even the love for my twin flame. No, I am alive because of my crippling fear of failure; I had failed at life, and I was afraid of failing at death, too. 

Strangely enough, it was later that day that he reached out to me, without any nudging from me. He responded to an e-mail I'd sent, asking if he wanted to remote-watch a movie together, like we'd done before in the past. I'd sent the e-mail without any expectation that he'd actually respond, and I had forgotten that I'd even sent it. He said that, yes, he would like to remote-watch a movie together, and thus began a period of time I now refer to as the 'two week window'.

In all reality, it was more like three weeks, but the first weekend we arranged to watch a movie, he didn't show. As it was in keeping with his current behaviour towards me and I was very sick that weekend I didn't think too much of it. He did get back in touch to apologise and re-arrange, and for a couple of weeks it seemed as though the invisible barriers that had come up between us had lowered, finally.

And you'd think that after all I'd been through just to communicate with him, I'd be all over him demanding answers, explanations. To tell you the truth, I was just so happy and relieved to talk to him again that none of all that other stuff seemed to matter.

While we were watching movies together I placed my hand on my laptop screen, comforted by the fact that he was there on the other end of the chat box.

For a short time it was like old times again. Our communication was still a little reserved, but we still managed to have some genuine 'lol's and 'haha' moments. He even asked me questions like 'what was my favourite movie directed by a woman' which baffled me; he didn't want me to return home to him, but he was still interested in my thoughts and opinions? 

The 'two week window' came to an abrupt end when I got a job interview that required me to show my birth certificate, which I'd left in the US, as proof of my identity and nationality. I had genuine reasons for asking him to send it to me, but I guess from his perspective it must have looked like I had lied about having any intention of returning or something because all I got from him was an abrupt, overly hostile three word response stating that 'Yes (he had it) and, yes (he'd send it to me).' And that was it. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. 

To this day, I still don't know what had made him feel like he could talk to me or why he felt like he had to shut down again. 

And I never did receive my birth certificate. 

I actually stumbled upon the phrase 'twin flames' twice; the first time I was browsing youtube for law of attraction videos when a video entitled Why Do Twin Flames Have So Many Problems? appeared in the recommended videos section. Given that my Love and I's relationship had been littered with problems and obstacles since the beginning, something about the the video's title piqued my interest. I don't remember it making much of an impression on me, but it planted a seed in my head. 

The second time was shortly after the 'two week window' when he unceremoniously shut me out again. I was researching psychological reasons why someone would just shut down upon another person when I happened upon this post in a blog entitled Twin Souls: Silence Is Golden. And there it was again, that phrase: Twin Flames. 

I've already said that I don't believe in co-incidences, and after following the blog for several months now, I may not always agree with everything this blogger says, or how she says it, but in that one post in particular she describes absolutely everything I was experiencing at that moment - everything. It awakened my inner Alice in Wonderland and prompted me to do some research of my own.

Now, if you search 'signs or symptoms of a twin flame relationship', you will find hundreds, maybe even thousands of articles, most of which list very vague, non-specific signs such 'feeling an intense or telepathic connection to your partner' or 'a sense of familiarity, like you have known the person before.'

I'm not saying that those things aren't signs of being in a twin flame relationship, I'm just saying I don't think those things are exclusive to twin flames. You can experience those things with anyone, in my personal opinion.

The article I read, which I unfortunately cannot seem to find, was very oddly specific. How specific, you ask? Well, let me tell you.

It stated, you might be a twin flame if:

...there is a significant age gap between you and your partner 
...you were born on different continents
...you met under unusual or unconventional circumstances
...you met due to a common goal or interest
...you have feelings for this person that you can't explain
...you have a lot in common but are very different from each other, almost opposites in a lot of ways 
...there have been periods of enforced separation and or/silence between you
...one or both of you have at one time or another have felt the need to 'run' from the relationship
...you feel like the 'black sheep' of your respective families and like you never really 'belonged' in the place in you were born and grew up in
...you feel a sense of belonging with this person
...things that would have been deal-breakers in other relationships are suddenly not an issue when it comes to this person
...you have had to face more obstacles and challenges than most in order to be together

I know people often describe things as making the hairs on the back their neck stand on end but, I swear to God, mine actually did.

It was like someone had read actual conversations between my Love and I, wrote them down verbatim in article form, and left it there for me to find and read.  

And the more I researched, the more my heart sank. There seemed to be a distinct pattern that most people were only tipped off about the true nature of their relationship when the bizarre behaviour when twin flames separate and go into their respective corners, occurs.

Separation is only ever supposed to be temporary (I'm going to save my venom and disdain for the twin flame community for another day as that deserves an article of it's own, but I don't buy into the idea that a twin flame is 'only there to heal you') but there was a noticeable lack of those who were able to make it beyond this phase.

I read article after article, testimony after testimony of those who had gotten stuck in constant loops of blame, avoidance, manipulation, cruelty, hurt, denial etc. for months, years... decades! Youtube videos of people who swore they were fine with not being able to be with their twin, who claimed they had 'surrendered to the process' but would still break down in tears at the thought of them, even if they hadn't seen them in years.

I know it's tempting to think that people incorrectly slap the 'twin flame' label on their troubled relationships just because it sounds romantic and poetic - and believe me I've seen that happen - but I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted no part of it.

I wanted to be in a relationship where we could resolve our problems with communication, honesty and transparency - not one that would 'heal' me by mirroring my issues and fears back to me through silence and avoidance!

I slammed my laptop shut, tossed it to the foot of the bed, pulled the covers over my head and pretended that I hadn't read what I'd just read. But I couldn't do it. I knew, I just knew. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced it, but I knew.

It was like something leaned over me and gently whispered in my ear, "Told you..."

(To be continued)

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 3: The Avoidance Olympics

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

--Say Something, A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera

I know that this is going to sound like a massive cop-out, but I don't even remember much about my journey back to the UK. I was on that damn plane for the best part of around seven to eight hours across the Atlantic and I can't even remember most of it. I don't know if this is common for those who go through this experience but there are still massive gaps in my memory from around this time. 

Landing in the UK was bittersweet. I was happy to see my family again, especially my infant nephew, who had been born on my birthday, just eight days before I left for the US and of course, my grandmother. It was upsetting to see her in such a fragile state, but I'm still glad I got to see her again. 

Beyond that, I felt like I had returned to a world that I just didn't belong in anymore.

I spent the weeks that followed having quality with my family, reconnecting with old friends and revisiting old haunts, yet nothing seemed to quell the sense of panic and anxiety I was feeling, like I hoped it would.

It was as though my heart, head and mouth were on completely different pages. My heart said 'go back', my head said 'no, you have to stay put' and my mouth just blurted out whatever was most convenient at the time. This made me feel so distressed that as a result, any attempts at communication with me from my Love either went ignored or very poorly responded to. 

It seemed as though an invisible wall came down between us and he was on one side trying to get my attention, and although I heard him, I couldn't respond. 

Many times I'd find myself hovering my fingers over the keyboard of my laptop either completely unable to type out a response whatsoever or writing out responses that I couldn't bring myself to send. When I think of what I would be prepared to do now for just a crumb of a scrap of a morsel of communication, this is incredibly shameful to admit. 

Many Twin Flames who have experienced this claim that it's their doubt and fear that their twin doesn't truly love them that caused them to 'shut down', but for me it was the exact opposite. It was my unwavering belief and faith in his love for me that made feel as though I was safe to behave the way I did. He once told me that, 'There wasn't anything we couldn't get through if we just talk about it' and I fell back on that to justify my douche-y, hurtful behaviour.

In spite of this, on the Fourth of July, I saw an American flag in someone's front yard and this unleashed the floodgates and I spent the whole day in tears, just missing him and longing to be with him. It was supposed to be our first real July fourth together and I hated that I was missing out on that experience with him. I pounded out an email to him begging his forgiveness for a previous email I'd sent, where I'd told him I didn't think I could get married if my family weren't there to see me, and to please get in touch because I missed him so very much. 

He replied that he was 'flummoxed' by my behaviour (and rightfully so) but I reassured him that I was definitely going to return, even if it meant that I had to get a job in the UK to replenish my funds, I was definitely returning. 

And I meant it. I really did.

I even paid the deposit on the apartment we had newly rented just days before I left, in full faith that I would be back soon.

Now, I don't know if Twin Flames can control when/if/how they go silent or 'shut down', all I know that this behaviour lasted all of around four to six weeks maximum before I literally couldn't stand being apart from him anymore. I was sitting on my bed in floods of tears, absolutely beside myself with confusion when, what I can only describe as, a 'whoosh!' of love just came rushing to the surface and I just had to connect with him. 

Suddenly, nothing and no-one else mattered; I just wanted to be with him. I craved him. If I could've flown away to a desert island and spent my life with only him, I would have. 

Immediately, I threw open my laptop and typed out a hurried, but excited email. I asked him if he was angry with me and could he please get in touch as soon as he could. 

And I didn't panic too much when it went unanswered.

Instead, I just wrote another, asking him if he wanted to Skype seeing as though it'd been so long since we'd seen and talked to one another? Again, it went unanswered. And again, I didn't worry too much; I knew how hard he worked, how crazy his hours were and I hadn't exactly been the most consistent communicator, after all.

After a week of unanswered emails, I decided to call him. But his phone went straight to voicemail. Over and over. I left voicemail after increasingly tearful voicemail, desperate to reach him. 

In desperation, I emailed our landlord, explaining that I was trying to arrange my return to the USA, but was struggling to locate my Love to make firm arrangements and could he please let him know that I'm trying to get in touch.

The landlord (who didn't live locally) emailed back to let me know that he'd sent someone over to the apartment and there'd been no answer when they'd knocked at the door, which just sent me into a tailspin -- suddenly I wasn't so much concerned with getting in touch with him as much as ensuring his wellbeing.

Later, he emailed me to let me know that my Love had been located, was fine and had 'probably' been instructed to get in touch, and that's all the information he had. I thanked him and anxiously awaited contact. Surely, now that my Love knew how hard I was working to get in touch with him, he would talk to me?

Strange as it sounds, by this point I was anxious but wasn't panicking too much. I knew he had an aversion to online communication and really only used it because of me, so up until that point, I convinced myself that I just kept 'missing' him, and I was convinced, so utterly convinced, that once I'd explained what had happened, it would all blow over and we could move forward.

It wasn't until he appeared as a 'recommended friend' on my Facebook profile and he rejected my friend request that the panic started to truly set in. He didn't even use Facebook so the fact that he had an account was new to me, and now I knew for sure that he had in fact been at a computer and that he was purposely avoiding me. 

I wrote him a letter, on Playboy bunny notebook paper (an inside joke) in a feeble attempt at lightening the mood between us. I sent it using overseas tracking and I watched everyday via the USPS website for almost two weeks only for him to not even pick it up from the post office. 

I did the same a second time and the same thing happened. 

As a last resort, I attempted to contact his family, who were just as in the dark about his behaviour as I was. His mother told me that she had gone to our apartment and either, he was always out, or he just refused to come to the door. I knew he wouldn't like me talking to his family without his knowledge but at the time I justified it by telling myself that he knew I was trying to get in contact with him, so he should have just talked to me in the first place.

And though he said nothing, his silence told me everything my Ego wanted me to know, "He's not fighting for you because you gave him nothing to fight for or hold onto! You're a failure and a screw-up! Who would want to fight for you? Who wants to hold onto a failure like you? You're not worth it!"

I knew in my heart I was none of those things and prayed for a chance at redemption, a chance to do it all again, but with none of the anxiety and fear that had anchored me down for longer and deeper than I had ever realised. 

I knew I'd acted like a colossal douchebag, but didn't even douchebags deserve a chance to explain their side of the story? Didn't even the douchiest criminals in all of history get a fair trial? Where was my fair trial?

I kept telling myself, "If I could just get him on the phone, if I could just get him to read my email, if I could just get him on messenger then I can explain and everything will be okay." After all, wasn't he, in fact, the one who told me that there wasn't anything we couldn't get through if we just talk about it?

The silence was merciless, unrelenting.

I don't even believe in 'God' in the religious sense but even I dropped to my knees on several occasions, praying for mercy. But there was none. No mercy, no relenting, no moment of, "Clearly she's deeply sorry for her actions, I should probably put her out of her misery now."

Trying to communicate with him was like repeatedly ramming up against a brick wall, like he had just... turned to stone.

That man would've won Gold medals in the Olympics for communication avoidance for all the gymnastics he performed trying to avoid talking to me.

"But thiefofstars," I hear you cry, "if you were so desperate to get back to him, why didn't you just book a flight to go back?"

Well, eventually, that's exactly what I did.

After a failed attempt at getting in touch with him via his workplace, I just bit the bullet and booked a flight and emailed him to tell him so. Things weren't looking good, but at least I would have some answers. I hadn't even received a break-up email or phone call from him and I held onto that as proof things could still be turned around.

After all, I hadn't left out of a lack of love for him; I hadn't even left because I didn't want to be with him. It had all been one big, misunderstanding brought on by a lack of communication... and you don't just throw away a ten year relationship just because of a lack of communication, right? 

All that was needed was an open, honest heart-to-heart, I told myself.

I don't know whether it was the flight I'd booked or the attempt to reach him at work that did it, or whether something I'd said had finally pricked a hole in his communication bubble, but the morning after I'd booked the flight, I woke up early and powered up my laptop. 

And there it was, just perched casually in my inbox. After spending the entire month of August tying myself in knots trying to get in touch, was an email from him.

Apprehensively, I opened it and the colour drained from my face as I read what it said.

'It's probably best you don't come. You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm not angry, just very disappointed, sad, depressed.'

It was brief, scolding and almost parental in tone and all of my worst fears about myself realised. 

(To be continued)