Twin Flames Anonymous Part 2: A Disturbance in The Force

Here I am
And within the reach of my hands
She's sound asleep and she's sweeter now
Than the wildest dream could have seen her
And I watch her slipping away

--Hunting High and Low, a-ha

From the moment we are born, each and every one of us has the capacity to love and be loved unconditionally. Babies don't ask, "Do I deserve love?" They instinctively just know they are meant to be loved. Unfortunately, from the moment of birth we start a gradual process of accumulating energetic baggage that lays the foundations for our behaviours, patterns, perceptions and expectations for the remainder of our lives.

This begins with our parents and families, how they raise us, our relationship with them and their expectations of us. And then, we go out into the world and interact with our peer groups and suddenly society starts to weigh in. And finally, when we start to form relationships of our own and choose our own partners in life, all of the lessons that we have learned thus far, either through observing those around us or what we have learned through our own experiences stick to us like invisible sticky-notes and becomes unconsciously embedded in our energy and affect the vibration we emit. This is why people who have observed negative relationship patterns in early life have a tendency to repeat them in their own relationships, even when they don't intend to. 

It's a sad fact that throughout our lives, we are constantly bombarded with relationship lies masquerading as truths. Lies like, 'all men cheat', 'love is hard', 'marriage never lasts', 'true love doesn't exist', to name a few. All lies of course, but they're so embedded in our cultural dialogue that we automatically start to believe them without realising and it affects us everyday in ways we're not even aware of.

Perhaps you've heard people describe themselves as having a 'devil' or an 'angel' either on their shoulder or whispering in their ear? 

That 'devil' of which they speak of, is in fact your Ego. And your Ego loves to lie to to you. It thrives off of it. It keeps note of every disappointment, every hurt, every wound and it loves to remind you of them. Often. And loudly. Ego is hard to ignore. 

The 'angel' in this equation is more commonly known as your Intuition. Unlike Ego, Intuition is subtle, gentle and easy to brush off. How many times have you had a 'gut feeling' about a situation but ignored it, only to find out you were right to feel that way all along? Intuition sees the truth in any given situation, not only wants what is best, but knows what is best for you and will never lead you in the wrong direction. 

So, when confronted with a situation in which you don't know what course of action to take, Intuition will whisper, "Everything is going to be okay, trust me", Ego will scream, "You remember what happened the last time? Run for the hills! Run! Run!!" (Or vice versa, if the case may be) 

Because Twin Flames are so energetically attuned with one another, 'made for each other' for lack of a better expression, the battle between Ego and Intuition that happens in all relationships is magnified. Any unresolved issues and unhealed wounds, start bubbling to the surface and the previously perfectly oiled relationship machine starts to stall and grind. A powerful mirroring effect starts to occur where the twins will start to become, or appear to become, what the other most fears (e.g. if you fear being abandoned, your twin will appear to abandon you), thus triggering a 'fight or flight' response, which typically results in 'flight.'

What this means is that one twin, will just check out of the relationship completely, pretty much overnight. It's often sudden, abrupt, no reasons given and the twin that's left behind, becomes invisible, even repellent to them. Even if they are completely and utterly in love with you, they will just shut down on you. Just completely shut you out. It's as if something just descends out of nowhere and the previously loving and adoring twin just switches 'off' leaving only a void of eerie silence behind and the other one left in a state of utter bewilderment, rejection and confusion. 

And thus, Twin Flame separation begins.

Once this happens, you can pretty much kiss any and all relationship 'rules' goodbye. Just forget them. They won't work. Literally, the only arrow you now have in your bow is yourself. 

Even if you somehow manage to extract a morsel of communication from them during this time, it will typically be very cryptic, aloof, even cruel. 

The silent treatment that often accompanies Twin Flame separation, though brutal, does actually serve a purpose. It's very easy to love someone who is kind, loving, attentive and all those good things. But what if they could give you nothing? And I mean, nothing. Not comfort, not reassurance, not encouragement. Could you still love them? It's the ultimate lesson in tough love.

There is no real way of sugar-coating this, but Twin Flame separation is horrendous. I've heard it described somewhere as like being stabbed, over and over, multiple times without dying, and this would be accurate. Everything you know, or think you know, about love is being tested and challenged in the most brutal of ways and I've heard from multiple sources that it's very common for Twin Flames to be incorrectly diagnosed with mental disorders during this time. Expect periods of deep depression, anxiety, sadness, fear, insomnia, loss of appetite, physical sickness and even thoughts of suicide and self-destruction. 

The separation stage invokes a 'purging and releasing' reaction, where your body starts to deprogram and reboot itself. All those unhealed wounds, insecurities and energetic sticky-notes that rendered you incapable of giving and receiving love completely unconditionally in the past, are brought up to be confronted, released and just plain ripped off. As far as I'm aware this process is involuntary and lasts an undetermined length of time. It could last weeks, months - even years - largely depending on the type of issues being dealt with and the ability of the individual to surrender to the process. The more resistance there is, the more lengthly and painful it will be. And yes, it does feel a lot like going crazy. 

It all sounds so fantastical and other-worldly, right? 

I know that if he ever reads this he won't believe me, but when I set foot on US soil at the end of March 2015, I was the happiest I had ever been in my adult life. The life I'd always dreamed of and the only man I'd ever dreamed of living it with were finally within my reach and it felt better than I'd ever imagined.

However, you'd never have known that from the way I behaved. 

I would say within about two weeks, I became really irrationally irritated and moody, for no reason. I started to slowly withdraw into myself and from my Love. I put it down to a case of homesickness at first, but eventually I withdrew so far into myself I couldn't even be intimate with him anymore. I'd look at him sometimes and my heart would break because I wanted him so badly, but felt like I had swallowed a lead weight that anchored me to the spot. 

I tried to verbalise what I was feeling to him several times but because I didn't know what I was feeling I didn't succeed very well. He asked me, "Where is all this coming from?" And truthfully, I didn't know. 

And what made it so much worse is that he was so patient and understanding. He didn't confront me or push me for an explanation at all and this only highlighted the fact that I felt like a complete and utter bitch. You see, I had suffered with depression and anxiety, with varying degrees of severity, since I was in my mid-teens but it really took a hold on me during my Love's first 'disappearance', and I'd been more or less under it's grip ever since. Apart from our very earliest communication, I don't think he has ever known me not under depression's grip in some fashion. There aren't words in the English language adequate enough to express how sad that makes me.

I had also come from a family dynamic where my family, whilst loving, were also overbearing and controlling. It had the effect that I was always made to feel like my needs and wants as an individual were always secondary to my parents needs and wants for me. I felt as though I was made to feel bad for wanting 'more' than what was made available at face value to me. 

Suddenly, I was in this relationship where my needs and wants were paramount and I felt 'bad' for expressing myself!

In the midst of all this internal conflict I was experiencing, I received the news that my paternal grandmother had had a fall that caused her to break her neck and this had triggered a chain reaction of infections and illnesses and she wasn't expected to live for much longer. This, on on top of the guilt I was already feeling, caused my brain to just implode and I felt a UK sized magnet beckoning me home and I felt powerless to stop it. 

You see, even though Twin Flames share an energetic blueprint, and have traits, qualities and talents that complement one another, there seems to be a pattern where there is usually one or more polarising points of contention between them. For he and I, that was definitely our attitude towards our families. 

I had always been very close to mine, in spite of my problems with them. He, on the other hand had a very strained relationship with his. 

I wanted independence from my family but also still wanted them to be a part of my life, and as such I wanted them to get to know my Love, even if it was only for him to come on Skype just to say, 'Hi' once in a while. I didn't expect him to become best friends with them. But when he flat-out refused to do so on several occasions, his resolve to not even meet me halfway started to scare me. 

Remember how I explained that when the congested energy starts to mess with your perception, it can give the illusion that your Twin Flame starts to almost 'become' your fears? Well, I started feeling afraid that he was going to make me choose -- my family or him. And I couldn't understand why I couldn't have both.

'But, thiefofstars,' I hear you cry, 'if you high-tailed back to your home country, didn't you in fact, choose them over him?'

Well, no, not at all.

Because he was so intent on being so mysterious, what had happened was I had sort of just... slunk out of town via the back door, without saying a proper good-bye to my friends and even some family members -- including my then dying grandmother. I thought that maybe what I was feeling was a lack of finality? And maybe, just maybe, if I went back to my home town for a few weeks, I could tie up some loose ends and give myself some closure so that could come back and give our relationship all of my attention and focus. 

So, you see, I wanted to give him all of my attention and focus, but I felt like I couldn't do that until I'd identified what was causing me so much distress.

It also didn't help that I didn't book a return flight back to US. My line of thinking was that I didn't want to be held to a return date if I should have to attend my grandmother's funeral whilst I was there. Of course, I didn't do a very good job of explaining any of this to him. The pain and confusion was etched clear in his face when he realised what I'd done. I guess looking back, I was probably mirroring some of his fears, too.

The night I left, I felt like I had pretty much been reduced to a zombie-like state. 

This isn't to say that it was all doom and gloom when we were together because that truly wasn't the case. Amongst the many, many wonderful memories I have is one particular impromptu evening walk we took together, where we sat in a park for hours just talking until it turned dark and when we eventually walked home, the night sky was so clear we could see Venus. 

Or the badly made cups of tea he'd bring me each morning that I'd drink anyway. 

Or the last weekend we spent together where he took me to see a local baseball game-- my first sporting event ever!

Or the times I'd fall asleep before him and he would lean over and kiss me on the head or cheek before turning in himself. 

Or the many walks past the duck-filled river on the way into town. 

I dearly love taking photographs, especially of nature. My Love doesn't care much for photographs, preferring instead to hold memories in his head only, whereas I think there's something just so beautiful about being able to capture a moment in time, to make it tangible and shareable with others (polarities, see?). Of course, my creativity during this time took a huge nosedive, and I could weep oceans for all the missed opportunities for creativity and making memories -- even if he didn't want to be in any of the pictures. 

I don't typically believe in regrets, as I believe everything happens for a reason, but man, if I could look back over my life and have only one regret, only one, it would be leaving him that day.

(To be continued)

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 1: The Yin/Yang Theory

"If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration"

--Nikola Tesla

Hi, my name is thiefofstars and I am a twin flame.

I'm going to tell you a secret; most people know that when you fall in love with someone, I mean really fall in love, you don't fall for their face or their body. But what most people don't know is that you don't even fall for their personality or their mind. What you actually fall for is their energy. 

So when people talk about meeting their 'soulmate', what they're actually referring to is energy recognition (sometimes referred to as 'soul recognition'.) This is when someone's energy is so vibrationally attuned with your own that you are magnetically drawn to them and they to you. 

This is why two people can seem so mismatched and lacking anything in common on the surface but experience crazy, intense chemistry and love together and why others can be so perfect for one another on paper but lack any kind of chemistry or connection. It's also why you can be attracted to, or even repelled by, someone without any rhyme or reason. 

You may have heard phrases like 'cut from the same cloth' or 'on the same wavelength'. These are all phrases that refer to this exact experience. 

A soulmate is identified as someone who comes into your life at a time when you need them most to give you what you are most in need of at that time, whether it be a relationship, a shoulder to cry on, a life lesson or whatever it may be. Some come into your life as a permanent fixture, some are temporary and will leave your life when they are no longer needed or necessary to complete your life's journey. 

Even as you are reading this, I bet the name of someone who fits this description popped into your head. Some of you may even be able to name a few. 

However...

There is a particular type of soulmate whose energetic vibration is so intrinsically in tune with yours it is literally like meeting yourself in another body. It knows not of age, time or distance. It doesn't care what religion you are, how much is in your bank account or your current relationship status. It is so magnetic, so powerful it will overcome insurmountable odds, break down cultural and societal barriers, defy all logic and cross oceans just to connect with you. Once you have experienced it, you will never, ever be able to go back to the person you were before.

This, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, is your Twin Flame. 

Now, if you have stumbled upon this post you probably already have a vague idea of what twin flames are and are most likely very confused right now and in a lot of pain desperately seeking answers yourself. Just a few short months ago, that was me. 

The concept of twin flames isn't entirely new to me. I have been interested in many New Age topics and philosophies since I was a teenager and many times would come across articles about twin flames, but I always skipped over them. It was something that just never interested me. 

Contrary to mainstream belief, soul mates, twin flames or 'other halves' are not a made-up invention by popular culture in order to sell more cards on Valentine's Day or to torture single people into feeling incomplete if they're not in a relationship. They're just labels; labels given to a phenomenon that has existed in numerous cultures worldwide for as long as there has been mankind. 

In Chinese philosophy there is the concept of duality or 'Yin and Yang', where two opposing yet complimentary forces are strong independently, but even stronger when combined. 

In Emily Bronte's novel 'Wuthering Heights', a novel about the tempestuous relationship between Cathy and Heathcliff - two lovers who perceive themselves to be unable to be together because of class and societal judgement and prejudice - Cathy says of Heathcliff, "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

Even Plato wrote about it in 'The Symposium.' He wrote that in the beginning, human beings were created with four arms, four legs, two faces and Zeus was so intimidated by their power that he split them in two, condemning them to wander the earth in search of their 'other half.'

What's interesting to note is that even as far back as the Ancient Greeks, a time in history when romantic love was not a priority and people were expected to marry for reasons other than romantic love, human beings still had a notion that there might be another 'you', out there somewhere in the world. 

Even though I truly believe that there are no co-incidences and you are always where you are 'meant to be' at any given moment, I do wonder if I hadn't skipped over those articles and learned about the twin flame phenomenon, what it really was and what it entailed, if I'd only been aware, just how different could my life have been?

Right from the get-go I knew that my relationship with him was completely and utterly different and unique from anything or with anyone else in my life. 

We initially connected online almost eleven years ago and bonded over a shared love of movies, books and writing. I was twenty-two, living in the UK but the fact that he was thirteen years older than me and lived on the other side of the Atlantic (he was living in San Francisco at the time so he was really on the other side) never affected the ease or fluidity of our communication. Right from the beginning, I felt as though I could tell him anything.

In a strange twist of fate, some of our earliest conversations were discussing the concept of fate and destiny and whether it really exists. What I wouldn't give to be able to re-read those conversations with the perspective and knowledge I have now.

More recently he tried to share his love of the TV series, 'Twin Peaks' with me because it combined elements that interested us both; interesting plot and characterisation for him and strange and supernatural ideas for me. I could actually kick myself right now out of the irony of it all.

He was very smart, well-read, well-travelled, and aware of my desire to have my mind and my horizons expanded, he devised 'well-read' book lists and influential movie lists for me, to give me an idea of what I should be reading and watching. I used to love how he would challenge me and force me to think outside the box. I truly credit him with influencing me into becoming the person I am today and I wouldn't be half the person I am, if it were not for him. 

Just a few short months after we connected, he took a trip to Antarctica. When he returned he told me that he usually doesn't mind not being able to communicate or be communicated with - hell, he even relished it - but for some reason he didn't like not being able to get in touch with me. We hadn't even spoken on the phone or seen one another at this point. The first time he disappeared was shortly after I sent him a picture of myself for the first time. This apparently sparked something in him and I didn't hear from him for months.

I don't think I ever told him the effect that that initial loss of his presence had on me, even back then. In the end it never mattered what I chose to tell him or what I chose to keep to myself because he always had the uncanny ability to see straight through me anyway. I once told him that someone on my degree course had described me as 'mysterious' and it wasn't the first time I'd been called that. He simply laughed and said, "No you're not"

I never really tried to define or label our relationship. He was never 'just' anything to me; he was never 'just' a friend or boyfriend. He was equal parts mentor, teacher, best friend, boyfriend and... something else to me. And even then the term 'boyfriend' never quite cut it. It never seemed quite the right word to describe what he was to me. There just didn't seem to be one. 'Boyfriend' always seemed a bit disrespectful, trivial even. Even after we made our romantic feelings known, I very rarely, if ever, referred to him as my boyfriend. I wonder if he ever noticed? 

He used the term to refer to himself a few times, so I guess he never got that memo. 

He once even told me that he had feelings for me that he couldn't really define and described it as 'misplaced paternalism', which is strange because twin flame love is a lot like parental love, in the sense that it is completely and utterly unconditional; it is only societal conditioning and baggage accumulated via life experience that stops it from flowing freely. 

When he eventually returned, it didn't matter to me where he'd been, what he'd been up to or who with. I was just over the moon that he was back in my life. He told me that seeing me for the first time had caused him to think of me too often, and it was too much and he needed to take a breather. I begged him not to disappear again and he promised not to.

However a few years later, he got a job in Singapore and that's exactly what happened. I didn't want him to take the job because I knew the time difference was just too great for effective and regular communication and low and behold, he disappeared again. And once again, the moment he reappeared, I embraced him with open arms, just happy for his presence in my life. He told me he'd thought about never contacting me again, but the feelings he had for me were too strong not to. 

If anything, our relationship grew stronger and our feelings even deeper with each disappearing act. It was shortly after the second disappearing act that we went from tip-toeing around a romantic relationship to actually being in a romantic relationship. The strange thing is we never even really had a day where we became an official couple. People would ask us how long we'd been together and we couldn't give them an answer. It seemed as though we had been together all along and were only just then getting the chance to actually express it. Even then, there were still obstacles to overcome. 

Being in a long-term, long distance relationship in and of itself was never an actual issue for me. With that said, once we'd established that we had real feelings for each other, that's when I really started to crave physical interaction with him. I became a huge pain around this time and I commend him for being so patient with me. I wanted to know what it felt like to be in his physical presence, to know what his lips felt like pressed against mine; to know what his natural smell was, what the texture of his hair felt like and to know the sound of his voice when not through a telephone, and yes, I wanted physical intimacy with him. I didn't want those things because 'society' says I need to in order to have a 'valid' relationship. I wanted to experience those things for me. In my own mind, our relationship was just as valid and deserving of respect as if we had met under more conventional, socially acceptable circumstances. 

We didn't actually physically meet until almost two years later. I booked a flight over to see him when I knew we had a window of opportunity and we spent the most amazing week together. We didn't even do very much, because we didn't need to. Even simple things like grocery shopping or watching a movie together on the couch, things that most other people take for granted, were suddenly exciting experiences just because it was with each other. 

So you can imagine, when I jetted off to start our lives together in March 2015, I had every intention of squeezing every last solitary drop of experience out of my time with him. But as the saying goes, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."

Looking back, I sometimes can't even bear to look at pictures of myself before that time because I just want to reach out to the poor, innocent, unsuspecting woman in the photograph and go