In this dream, the settings of Final Fantasy were real places that you could actually visit and myself and a group of friends were travelling by coach to see them.
Sitting across the aisle in our group was an ex-boyfriend (who doesn't look like anyone I know in real-life, and actually resembles a youtube personality I follow) and I'm excited to see and spend time with him, but sad because I know he probably won't acknowledge me as an individual and just address me through the group.
On the inside I'm a wreck but keep a calm front on the surface.
We make our first stop and it's so futuristic and beautiful that it takes the focus from my ex-boyfriend for a little while and I'm grateful that I get to see and experience this with him, even if we're not alone together as we do it.
Later in the journey, as the other people in the group have played musical chairs with their seats, I find myself alone with him for the first time.
Despite previously doing his utmost to ensure he never spoke to me directly throughout the whole journey, he gently put his arm around me and asks me, "Are you okay?"
We engage in a (very) brief conversation before he gets up and ensures that he's surrounded by others again.
I couldn't get my head around it. Our break-up had come about because I was deeply unhappy within myself and now that I was fitter, healthier and happier he was doing everything he could to distance himself from me?
Did he truly like me better when I was a mess?
As we reached our stop and prepared to vacate the bus, my ex-boyfriend slung a single bag over his shoulder while I struggled to carry bags and bags of belongings to the point where I had to leave some in the overhead lockers to collect later.
Not only did he not offer to carry even a single bag, he didn't even look round to see if I was okay.
Saturday 27 February 2016
Saturday 20 February 2016
Dream Diary #95: Marriage of Inconvenience
I was sitting in a church filled with my friends and family. As we stood up to leave someone turned and said to me, "The next time we come here, it'll be for your wedding!"
"Great!" I thought, filled with excitement. Until it dawned on me that my true love was in a far off land, I hadn't spoken to him in months and had no real way of communicating with him, since all 'normal' methods of communication didn't work.
So just who was I marrying?
Apparently a younger colleague of my dad's, who was apparently 'lovely', had taken a shine to me and he and my parents had worked together to arrange our wedding.
Their line of thinking was that I had been sad for many months since losing my true love and they wanted to see me happy so they thought that if I 'just married a nice man' I would forget all of my heartache and even if I didn't love him at first, I would learn to love him and be happy.
The dress was bought, the invitations had been sent out... all I had to do was go home and get ready.
I immediately went into panic-mode. Who were they to decide what will make me happy? If I wanted to hold onto the lofty goal of my true love and I reconciling in the future, who were they to tell me not to?
And what if he came back into my life and I was married to someone else? What then?
I just knew I couldn't go through with it, but the pressure to do so was unbearable! I began to cry tears of frustration. Maybe if they saw how distraught I was and that marrying a complete stranger wouldn't 'fix' me, no matter how lovely he was, they wouldn't make me go through with it? Instead I just got scoffed at and told to 'suck it up'.
All I kept thinking about was the scene in Sex & the City when Charlotte is about to walk down the aisle but is having doubts and Carrie tells her that if she doesn't want to go through with the wedding then 'everyone will just have to get over it'.
Where was my somebody to give me an out?
I decided there was no other option but to pack my bags and run away, to let them know I was serious about not wanting to go through with it. As I packed my belongings, I mused that even if I could learn to love my groom-to-be, I knew that I'd drop him in a heartbeat if my true love came back into my life. Surely it was better to break his heart now, rather than later?
I was so angry. I was angry at my family for thinking they know what's best for me, when they had no idea. I was even angry at my true love as he didn't realise how inconvenient his silence was for me.
However, something I said or did must have resonated with them eventually as my dad agreed to tell his colleague that the wedding wouldn't be going ahead. When I saw that my mum was still getting my niece and nephews dressed up I said, "But the wedding is off?"
And she responsed with, "Yes, but instead of a wedding, it's just a party now"
I headed off to get changed... into anything but a wedding dress!
"Great!" I thought, filled with excitement. Until it dawned on me that my true love was in a far off land, I hadn't spoken to him in months and had no real way of communicating with him, since all 'normal' methods of communication didn't work.
So just who was I marrying?
Apparently a younger colleague of my dad's, who was apparently 'lovely', had taken a shine to me and he and my parents had worked together to arrange our wedding.
Their line of thinking was that I had been sad for many months since losing my true love and they wanted to see me happy so they thought that if I 'just married a nice man' I would forget all of my heartache and even if I didn't love him at first, I would learn to love him and be happy.
The dress was bought, the invitations had been sent out... all I had to do was go home and get ready.
I immediately went into panic-mode. Who were they to decide what will make me happy? If I wanted to hold onto the lofty goal of my true love and I reconciling in the future, who were they to tell me not to?
And what if he came back into my life and I was married to someone else? What then?
I just knew I couldn't go through with it, but the pressure to do so was unbearable! I began to cry tears of frustration. Maybe if they saw how distraught I was and that marrying a complete stranger wouldn't 'fix' me, no matter how lovely he was, they wouldn't make me go through with it? Instead I just got scoffed at and told to 'suck it up'.
All I kept thinking about was the scene in Sex & the City when Charlotte is about to walk down the aisle but is having doubts and Carrie tells her that if she doesn't want to go through with the wedding then 'everyone will just have to get over it'.
Where was my somebody to give me an out?
I decided there was no other option but to pack my bags and run away, to let them know I was serious about not wanting to go through with it. As I packed my belongings, I mused that even if I could learn to love my groom-to-be, I knew that I'd drop him in a heartbeat if my true love came back into my life. Surely it was better to break his heart now, rather than later?
I was so angry. I was angry at my family for thinking they know what's best for me, when they had no idea. I was even angry at my true love as he didn't realise how inconvenient his silence was for me.
However, something I said or did must have resonated with them eventually as my dad agreed to tell his colleague that the wedding wouldn't be going ahead. When I saw that my mum was still getting my niece and nephews dressed up I said, "But the wedding is off?"
And she responsed with, "Yes, but instead of a wedding, it's just a party now"
I headed off to get changed... into anything but a wedding dress!
Tuesday 2 February 2016
Dream Diary #94: Crazy, Stupid Love
I was moving into a dorm/shared living situation and quickly found myself attracted to one of my new roommates.
He was very shy, quiet and physically he resembled Squall Leonhart of Final Fantasy VIII; so of course I fell head over heels in love with him!
Unfortunately he already had a girlfriend, who resembled Squall's love interest in the game, Rinoa Heartilly, but it turned out she wasn't supposed to be there and had followed him there uninvited.
Their relationship seemed to be all but over, but she wouldn't take the hint.
In an attempt to get his attention, I found myself agreeing to do all sorts of crazy things, including offering to clean his bathroom from the previous tenants, which seemed simple enough until I realised that they had left the toilet full of mess!
Cleaning it made me gag and retch, but I was so afraid of losing face (or worse, making him think that I left it that way!) that I did it anyway; squeezing a whole tube of toothpaste down there just so it'd smell 'minty fresh'!
Unfortunately, while I was doing that, more people had moved in. I'd wrongly assumed that I'd be sharing my living space with only him and one or two other people, which turned out not to be the case.
And the people that moved in weren't the quietest or most considerate of people! My heart sank every time I turned around as my living space got smaller and more crowded until my bed was squeezed under a desk and a waste paper basket!
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