Dream Diary #112: Oh, Baby

I was in the middle of a vacation at a luxury resort when I discovered that I was pregnant. Instinctively, I knew that the father was my Love, even though we haven't seen each other in almost a year and a half. I hadn't had a relationship or even slept with anyone else in the meantime, so the news came as a massive shock.

It was as if we had conceived the baby on another plane of existence and I was devastated because ultimately I was the one who was going to be left to raise it as a single mother, while his physical self didn't acknowledge me at all. It just didn't seem fair!

Also, the news had come at such an inconvenient time as I had just moved house and started a new job after being unemployed for an extended period of time and as I was so unprepared I feared I would have to move back in with my family for support.

I seriously considered a termination but an ultrasound revealed that I was already 22 weeks along and a termination would probably mean going through labour just to give birth to a dead or dying baby, which I obviously didn't want to do.

The ultrasound also showed that the baby was a girl and something inside me told me that she was going to grow up and become an important and influential figure in humanity (hence why the powers that be had ensured her conception, despite mine and her father's lack of physical proximity) so I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.

As I knew my Love wouldn't respond, I felt that I should call my Love's mother, out of courtesy, to tell her the news even though it would be such an awkward conversation to have.

My family was incredibly supportive even though they were as baffled by the situation as I was.

Dream Diary #111: Talk to the Hand 'cause the Heart Ain't Listening

I somehow found myself unexpectedly dating a guy at work. On paper, he was ideal boyfriend material; attractive, had a good job and seemed like a nice person but it puzzled me how we had gotten together in the first place as I hadn't pursued him and it seemed as though we had virtually nothing of substance in common; he seemed really down to earth and I felt as though I would have to stifle my quirky tendencies around him.

Also, there were far prettier women than me that were attracted to him, who seemed as though they'd be more on his wavelength, but for whatever reason, he'd picked me. 

My colleagues started treating me differently and with more respect, as the guy was in a position of some authority and since there was no 'real' reason for me not to like him, I found myself going along with the whole thing in spite of my doubts.

I experienced a brief moment of a jet-set lifestyle as I flew to a nondescript store in the USA to browse art supplies. My littlest toddler nephew was holding onto my hand as we left the store and as we did so, a sense of peace washed over me as if I had suddenly 'come home.' My memory was suddenly triggered and I remembered I had a True Love and that I was supposed to be here with him.

I realised my life at home was not authentic to who I truly was and found myself finding excuses not to leave. I muttered to my nephew that I should drive us to the beach but I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable. I had to face up to the situation some time.

To my dismay, I came home to find out that my boyfriend had booked us a weekend away and had bragged about all the sexual things he was going to do with me whilst there to everyone at work and suddenly all the prestige and fanfare that came with being the girlfriend of a popular, lusted after guy in the workplace that had seemed somewhat appealing at first, became repulsive to me. Besides, we still barely even knew each other and I couldn't even recall one unique quality about him that set him apart from any other attractive man I'd met. It became apparent that his attraction to me was highly superficial.

I couldn't go through the motions of a relationship just to please other people so I had to break up with him regardless of whether others would understand my reasons for doing so. I started to cry because I couldn't believe how disconnected I felt towards my surroundings.

Dream Diary #110: Going Underground

I had relocated to another country in order to work and study. After trying to organise my working life around the people I didn't like, it was time to organise sleeping arrangements in the dormitories. Apparently, I had to live with the people I was working with and it turned out that my bed was situated right next to the fridge and dining area and I thought of how inconvenient that would be for me trying to sleep and relax with a constant stream of people coming back and forth to eat and prepare food nearby.

However, I didn't give it too much thought as there were other, more important things on my mind. I was now living in the same town as my Love, or the town I'd last known him to be living in (I know he moves around a lot) and even though we hadn't been in contact and I had no idea if he'd like to be, all I could think about was going to see him. There was just one problem; I didn't know where he was!

I hadn't even unpacked any of my clothes, so I had to improvise and decided that I would just wander about the town in the hope of bumping into him. Our paths were bound to cross eventually, right?

It turned out I was in luck as someone recognised me from living there before and she approached me and asked, "You're looking for him aren't you?" 

I nodded and she led me to an underground 'Hobbit'-style cave. I went inside and found my Love asleep in bed, even though it was daylight outside. I suspected he had gone to bed after working through the night, so I just sat quietly in a chair and waited for him to wake up. 

When he woke, he wasn't exactly jumping for joy to see me but he wasn't overly surprised either - almost like he'd been expecting me to be there.

We had a lot of catching up to do, but perhaps the most surprising thing of all was that, in our hiatus, he had taken up photography as a hobby (which is weird because he doesn't like photographs) but he preferred to use a polaroid camera instead of a digital one and took time to show me each snapshot that he'd taken. 

In another (brief) part of my dream, it seemed as though we had joined forces again as I have cut my thumb in real-life, but I dreamt that the government were after me because I had a vial of my blood and they wanted it for some reason. My Love was helping me to hide it, which was no easy task seeing as though the house we were in was completely empty with no furniture at all. 

We managed to disguise it sufficiently under a pile of rags just as the government were banging on the door. He took my hand and told me not to worry because he'd protect me.

Dream Diary #109: Desperate Times

Far away from home and with limited opportunities available to me, I found myself, along with two other women, recruited by a local pimp into a prostitution ring, telling myself I would only do it for as long as I needed to until I had enough money saved to make a brand new start. 

It started out simple enough - the pimp expected the other two girls and I to work together to seduce our clients and to give them a good time. While group sex doesn't appeal to me in real-life, in the dream it helped to make me feel less alone and scared.

However, things took a sinister turn when the pimp revealed he not only expected us to have sex with our clients but to kill them afterwards, too!

He didn't care how we went about it, but implied that the more creativity we displayed the more favourable treatment and payment we would receive. He also implied that he was not above killing or severely punishing any of us if we didn't do as we were told.

Horrified, but determined to reach my financial goals in order to make a new start, I sold my soul to the devil and agreed.

To my shock and horror it was surprisingly easy to lure my client to their death as I straddled them and plunged a sharp object into their neck, 'Basic Instinct' style. I don't think I had even gotten to the stage of having sex - I had just jumped straight into murdering them!

The other women, who were still in the process of seducing their clients, looked around in disbelief that I had found it so easy.

Horrified at what I'd done, I fled, taking whatever money the pimp had paid me thus far. I didn't even stop to ask if the other women wanted to come with me, figuring that everyone has to be responsible for their own destiny and I had to look out for number one. If they wanted to escape so badly, then they will.

I knew instinctively that the pimp was furious with me and would stop at nothing until he had tracked me down and killed me. I knew he'd find me eventually, so I did everything I could to bide as much time as possible. I cut and dyed my hair, assumed a different name and went to a train station to catch the next train out of the country. 

The dream then switched completely and I found myself at home with two twin infants - a boy and girl - left in a bucket inside my room. They had been freshly changed and fed at the time of being left there so I went about my day as usual.

However, days passed and they were still there. I started to think, "Hang on a minute, where are the parents and why aren't they coming to collect their babies?" until it was pointed out to me that they were in fact, my babies!

I couldn't even recall being pregnant or giving birth but I immediately felt guilty for neglecting them.

I lifted them out of the bucket and while they were both hungry with messy nappies, physically the boy was fine, but the little girl had a dislocated leg - and by dislocated I mean it had popped off like a doll's leg. I remember feeling scared that social services would be on my case, which I thought was highly unfair since I didn't know how I was expected to be a good mother when until a few moments before I didn't even realise I was one!

Luckily, not only did the baby's leg pop off like a doll's leg, but it popped back in like one, too.

Dream Diary #108: Change of Heart

I was living in a converted garage/motel with my Love but things weren't going so well. Due to outside influences, most notably our family members, things were tense between us. Fed up with things never going right between us or others trying to put obstacles in the way, we separated and he made me move to another part of the garage, into my own room because he couldn't bear to see me if I was just going to leave.

Feeling isolated and lonely I contacted my family and told them I was coming home. It would be a while before I could go though, so I decided to go by myself to a movie. But when I got to the movie theatre (which I'm sure I've visited in dreams before) I couldn't remember the name of the movie I wanted to see and had to engage in a game of charades to get it out because I couldn't verbalise the words properly.

During the movie, a rare glimpse of my real-life situation penetrated the dream and I found myself thinking 'If I leave, it will be the worst mistake of my life' and I knew then I had to stay and turn the situation around. I rushed home from the movie full of excitement and determination - and relief that I hadn't left it too late. I hadn't left the country, so there was still hope.

When I first arrived home my Love was nowhere to be found. The garage was a complete mess which suggested he hadn't been in the greatest of moods since I left. When I found him, he was laying down a makeshift bed out of junk at the back of the room. Puzzled, I asked him why. He told me his sister was moving in with us for a while. Apparently, she was tired of having a charmed, easy life and having everything laid on a plate for her. She was jealous of the intense love he and I shared and wanted to be around us for a while.

I couldn't fathom why anyone would want to struggle when they didn't have to but my Love reasoned that it was just his family's way of putting more obstacles in our way.

It was obvious he hadn't told them that we were currently living separately, and he went to lie down on his bed and sulk.

I knelt beside the bed and told him that I wouldn't be going anywhere and that I would do whatever it takes for us to be together. Stubbornly, he refused to believe me and it wasn't until I climbed into the bed and had sex with him - even though his sister was due at any moment - that he realised I meant business. 

Sure enough, his sister arrived and set about complaining and finding fault with everything. It was clear why she had never experienced a love like ours - she just wasn't capable.

My family dropped by and asked if everything was okay, because they hadn't heard from me in a while and I told them that I was fine and our previous conversation had been a false alarm.

Dream Diary #107: Point of No Return

Myself and a friend were taking a walk through the woods together. She lived on one side of the woods, and I lived on the other. We hadn't seen each other for a while so we had a lot to talk about.

At first, everything was fine but things took a creepy turn when we started to suspect that we were being followed. Just to be sure, we meandered through the trees, to try and trick our pursuers - and sure enough they followed. 

It turns out they were hunters, but to them, my friend and I looked like mythical creatures that they had come into the woods to hunt down. 

Once again, my friend and I ran through the woods in an attempt to lose them, but no matter where we went, the hunter's followed close behind.

My friend confessed there was a way out of the situation, but she didn't mention it earlier because if we go through with it, there was no going back - if we followed the path right to the other side of the woods, where she lived, the hunters would not be able to find us, but we also wouldn't be able to go back. I wouldn't be able to go back to my old life. 

At first I was scared but we held one another's hand as we ran full-force down the path and through to the other side of the woods. 

We emerged in a sleepy little town and my fear quickly turned into excitement. My friend took me to her home that she told me was a 'homeless shelter' but looked more like a luxury hotel. The shelter was populated, not with people who were 'homeless' per se, but by those who were no longer suited to their old life, but had not yet grown into their future life and needed a place to crash while they worked out the finer details.

Twin Flames Anonymous Part 6: Rebel Hearts

So I took the road less travelled by

And I barely made it out alive 

Through the darkness somehow I survived

Tough Love - I knew it from the start

Deep down in the depths of my Rebel Heart

--Rebel Heart, Madonna

I felt like I had been held underwater for years then suddenly reached the surface and took a deep breath of fresh air.

I felt like I had just returned from war; dazed and confused, but grateful to be alive. 

And slowly, gradually, bit-by-bit... out of the ashes the 'real' me started to emerge. The me that had been buried under the rubble of depression, anxiety, fear of failure for longer than I'd ever realised. The me that didn't let the fearful voices of others discourage me from my desires - which I had regretfully done when fleeing my relationship.

Binaural beat meditation is seriously the closest thing I have ever experienced to a miracle in my life; within days of the first time doing it, I took a walk and I felt as though I was gliding down the street! A huge contrast to the person who just weeks before had walked down the street practically snarling at strangers. 

This relief was undermined only slightly by the lingering thought that, is that all that was wrong with me - a faulty switch in the brain? And all it took was just a flick of that switch and 'poof!' I functioned as a normal human being again? If I had discovered that a year before, would my life have turned out completely different?

I guess I'll never know now.

It was my experience with binaural beats that led me to retrain as a hypnotherapy practitioner and am currently in the process of wrapping up my studies. Another curious side effect of all that I'd experienced was the overwhelming feeling that I'd just 'evolved past' the mundane customer service positions I had previously worked in for years, just to get by.

I felt my sense of humour return and suddenly I was funny again! My creativity burst forth and I found myself with an insatiable desire to create, create, create. Even now, I get the idea for a photograph in my head and I can't rest until I've made it a reality. I know it's easy to criticise social media, but I am very thankful for my twitter and Instagram accounts which have provided me with a great outlet for therapy and creativity throughout this whole process. 

I was reluctant to put my experiences into words at first because although I have no idea if my Love reads any of my social media anymore, what if he looked me up one day and found this piece of writing? Would he think I was a lunatic? 

In the end I reasoned that, firstly, I literally couldn't rest until I'd put my story out there. I wasn't kidding when I said my innate desire to create had become insatiable. The words were literally begging to jump out of my head and into reality. Secondly, he has free will - if he comes across this piece and has a problem with anything I've written, he is more than welcome to challenge or disagree with me. And thirdly, he witnessed much of what I've written with his own eyes; he literally watched me turn from a jet-legged, but hopeful and excited young woman into the human equivalent of a crumpled piece of paper. He has very little wriggle room to argue.

It's not important to me whether he agrees with me or not. I don't need him to validate my experiences; I already know what I've been through. I don't care if he thinks of me as his 'twin flame' - in fact, I'd much rather he didn't think of me as his twin flame and that way he might be able to talk and interact with me like a regular human being! It's way more important to me that we communicate, rather than give one another fancy labels. 

I'm pretty sure that if he were to look at my social media he'd probably think I'd flipped my lid anyway, seeing as though - in the interest of becoming more authentic and true to myself - I've become way more outspoken in my spiritual, pseudo-scientific beliefs (that despite having a certain level of credible evidence to support them, are still derided upon in some scientific circles) but truth be told, they were always my beliefs! They may have gotten buried along with other things about myself - but they were always there. 

Besides, he knows. He may choose to not label it in this way, but he knows. He knew even before I knew! 

All twin flames know their innate relationship to one another, more or less, to some degree. Sometimes it's buried deep down. Sometimes it's buried deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down. But they know.

So you see, it hasn't been all doom and gloom, some good has come out of the silent treatment (and you have no idea how loathe I am to admit that!), and yet in spite of all the progress I have made, at the time of concluding this particular piece, he remains just as 'shut down' upon me as he was back in October. Disheartening as that is, after much reflection and brain-racking as to why that might be, I suspect that it is largely to do with the fact that in spite of all the good that has come of this, I am still struggling to forgive myself for my actions; I am by far my own harshest critic. After he told me that he was 'very disappointed' in me, my first instinct was to scream out, 'No-one is more disappointed in myself than I am - I don't need you, of all people, heaping your disappointment upon me!' And how am I supposed to expect him to forgive me, if I can't even forgive myself? 

It's extremely common for Twin Flames on the verge of 'awakening' to retreat to, or be 'pulled back to' toxic situations or relationships that they have long outgrown in order to transform and realise their full potential - and that was definitely true for me when coming back to my home-town. I can't even begin to describe what a dislodged Tetris piece I feel right now.

I may be where I've 'needed to be' in order for all of this to happen, but I am not where I belong.

I'm no longer afraid to put pictures or videos of me enjoying time with my family on social media; to me it's just me enjoying the moment and making memories until I'm ready to move onto the next natural progression in my life - not a 'do not disturb' badge. To do otherwise, would not be me being authentic. If he doesn't get that, that's his perception, not my intention. 

I love and miss him so very, very much. It's a love I barely know what to do with. He will never not be welcome in my life. I try not to think of what lies he tells himself in order to justify why he can't just talk to me, but I sincerely hope it's not a futile attempt to get me to realise I can 'do better' when there isn't a single person on this planet who has done, can do, and will continue to do what he has done for me. 

There's nothing I would've loved more than to just have discussed this directly with him, and to never have written this piece (which started out as one piece - can you believe that?) at all; but maybe, just maybe it was 'meant' to be this way?

I got the idea for this piece of writing many months before putting pen to paper, but as there was a specific approach I wanted to take, it took me a while to gather the right words together; I wanted to write my story in such a way that made it palatable to people who are not spiritually inclined. I wanted to leave out the esoteric parts about 'soul contracts'  and 'missions' (though I'm not necessarily denying that those things exist) and focus more on the aspects that are observable and tangible to even the most sceptic of believers. After all haven't we all known that one couple, you know the one, that no matter what happens, no matter who else comes into their life, no matter what obstacles come their way, they always somehow, someway, find their way back to one another?