Valentine's Night

Celesta's finger gingerly traced the spines of the books on the shelf inside Jeremiah's study.

He'd been avoiding her like the plague ever since New Year after she'd initiated their passionate New Year's kiss, but had never officially withdrawn his permission for her to use the books in his personal library. 

Besides, it was Valentine's Night and Jeremiah would be out on his date for hours.

Relieved of her maid's duties, Celesta was dressed for comfort in her favourite oversized sweatshirt that hung seductively off of one shoulder, flannel pajama shorts and fluffy ankle socks. She'd planned to borrow a book or two, retreat to the maid's quarters and read until she fell asleep. Or until she heard Jeremiah's car pull up in the driveway - whichever came first.

Thrumming through the pages of the book she had selected, Celesta was about to make her way out of the room when she froze at the unexpected sound of the doorknob turning. 

She pressed herself back against the bookshelf in a feeble attempt to conceal herself and watched as Jeremiah himself strode inside.

Celesta breathed a silent sigh of relief; the staff at Harlequin Manor weren't permitted to enter the Harlequin's private quarters when they weren't on duty and no-one else in the house knew about the agreement between them. The other half of her felt a sense of embarrassment and panic - this was the first time they'd come face-to-face with one another since New Year and there was only one door in the room so there was no way she would be able to get out of there without him noticing. Or so she thought.

Jeremiah seemed barely aware of his surroundings as he paused in the doorway before slowly closing it behind him. He was still wearing the suit he'd left the house in but his tie hung loosely around his neck, his dinner jacket slung casually over his shoulder and the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to the elbows. 

He swiftly tossed the jacket onto a nearby chair along with his keys, sighing heavily. He adjusted his glasses and briefly rested his hands on his hips as if contemplating what to do next, before fixating on a cabinet in the corner. 

Celesta watched as he made his way across the room in just a few purposeful steps, un-pop the stopper from a half-drunk bottle of whisky, pour it into a glass and bring it to his lips where he knocked it back in one go. Her gaze darted from Jeremiah to the door and back to Jeremiah again - he hadn't even noticed that his desk-lamp was switched on; would he notice if she snuck out of the room?

However, her desire to stay and be near him overrode her embarrassment as she watched him pour another drink and take it over to the window where he proceeded to stand with his forehead pressed forlornly against the glass. 

It was a night made for lovers. The full moon glowed in the crystal clear night sky, causing the vast snowy hillsides to shimmer and glisten in it's light. 

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Celesta ventured gently, stepping out from her non-hiding place. 

Jeremiah caught her reflection in the window and turned his head quickly to look at her, before turning his attention back to the view outside, "Yeah, it is pretty spectacular," he agreed. "You know they say the snow's going to keep coming down throughout the night? I don't see how though, there doesn't seem to be a cloud in sight?" He added, looking upwards.

Inwardly, Celesta breathed a sigh of relief that he didn't seem angry or annoyed with her. Even so, she didn't want to push her luck, "Listen, um, I'm sorry - I thought you'd be gone a lot longer,  and it wasn't my intention to be here when you got back," she explained as she backed towards the door, "You probably just want to be alone." She turned, her fingertips brushing over the brass of the doorknob.

"Actually, I could kind of use the company." 

Celesta paused and glanced over her shoulder. Jeremiah, whose body language had relaxed considerably since he'd first entered the room, was perched on the edge of the window sill, shoulders hunched, his long legs outstretched before him, crossed at the ankles. His profile was beautiful, illuminated in part by the golden glow of the desk-lamp and the cool moonlight from outside. 

Her heart was in her throat as she turned and made her way back into the room, looking every bit the shy teenager, clutching her chosen book tightly to her chest. He wants to spend time with me, her inner voice chimed.    

"Come, sit," Jeremiah gestured with a motion of his head towards the couch next to and under the sill where he was sitting. 

Celesta tiptoed over to the couch and perched on the edge of the middle seat, it's leather cool against the bare skin of her legs. She placed the book on her knees and nervously began to play with the sleeves of her sweatshirt. 

"How old are you, Celesta?" He asked, staring into the bottom of his now empty whisky glass. 

"I'll be eighteen in May," she told him, causing him to cringe internally; he could've sworn she didn't look or seem this young when they'd kissed at New Year? A moment ago he'd contemplated offering her a drink, thinking it would help her to relax but after hearing her confirm her age out loud, he thought better of it. 

"I don't mind if you drink, though," She quickly added. 

He sighed. After the realization that he'd not only reciprocated a kiss with a teenager, but that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it since, another drink suddenly seemed like an order.

"What're you reading anyway?" He asked, eager to change the subject as he poured.

She held the book up to him and he squinted at the cover as he made his way from the cabinet to sit on the couch next to her. The Faerie Queen.

"Oh yeah, that's a good one," he mused. 

"You've read it?"

"Sure," he told her, "I've read most of these at least once," he gestured to the rows and rows of books on the other side of the room, "That one I've read about three or four times." 

Celesta nodded, impressed.

Dream Diary #126: Muddy Waters

I was standing on the edge of a canal and there was barge in the water that I wanted to get to but the only way to get there was to walk across a very shaky, unstable wooden plank. 

At first, it didn't look so bad; after all, if I fell I would just land in the water, right? However, a quick glance in the water showed that the canal was very muddy and oily looking and I didn't fancy falling in, so I ignored my initial desire to board the barge and decided against going on it at all.

I then made my way to the opposite side of the canal, where the water was much cleaner and resembled a typical public swimming pool setting, with dozens of people jumping in and splashing around. It looked like so much fun I decided to join in but before I could everyone decided to get out and go to the muddy side of the canal instead.

I couldn't understand their logic and tried to tell them about the state of the water over there, but no-one would listen.

So I watched as they each made their way over and crossed over the plank to the barge with ease and suddenly I was angry with myself for doubting that I would ever make it across and wished I'd trusted myself to be the trailblazer that I am on the inside, rather than the follower I appeared to be on the outside.

Dream Diary #125: The Owling

I woke up one morning to see a stack of gifts at the foot of my bed; one of which was a pet owl.

At first, the owl looked half-dead and  I wondered how well whomever had bought it for me had been taking care of it and I quickly noticed that I hadn't been provided with any tools or instructions for taking care of the owl and I had no idea how to take care of one.

I wasn't even sure how I felt about feeding my owl live mice and wondered if dead mice would be acceptable - or what any acceptable alternatives would be? I wondered how I would train it not to fly away; I'd seen people use leashes to train falcons but would they work on owls?

I needed a trip to the pet store, and fast, but no-one would help take me there. I was completely on my own. 

As I don't yet drive, I mapped out the route in my head, and with only a vague idea of where I was going, grabbed an old gardening glove so that I could carry the owl on my hand, and started walking.

In reality I could have just taken the bus but for some reason, I walked. Along the way, I felt completely helpless, isolated and alone. I couldn't believe that someone thought it would be a good idea to give me a pet owl, but no guidance on how to take care of it - and not only that, no-one was willing to help me help myself learn.

Dream Diary #124: The Real Deal

I was working as an actress and during the filming of the movie I'd been hired for I had been put up in a beautiful hotel suite that overlooked a gorgeous, colourful forest with mountains in the distance. The suite was like a small - but luxurious - apartment, complete with a dining and lounge area and I looked around unable to believe how lucky I was to be housed there.

Even more exciting to me was that the views outside offered me a chance to use my camera for some new and exciting photography; just a quick scan of the landscape using the zoom function confirmed the many images I could potentially capture!

However, each time I pressed the button to take a picture the camera jammed and a message flashed up on the screen saying the 'camera was tired of taking photographs' and to 'try again later'. I tried again and the same thing happened. 

Frustrated that some of my potentially most amazing photographs had eluded me due to my 'lazy' camera, I threw it onto the ground and proceeded to stomp on it! After a couple of stomps, I realised it was no longer my camera on the floor, but a doll? This didn't stop me from taking my anger out on it, I continued putting my foot down until the doll was destroyed. 

A short while later, after I'd had a chance to calm down, the rest of the cast, including the leading man, started arriving. I recognised the cast from an existing movie and I realised that it was the movie we were shooting (though mountainous woodland was completely the wrong landscape!) 

I was excited to meet and spend time with the actor playing the leading man as I was looking forward to sharing the suite with an attractive man and being romanced, even if it would be simulated for the purpose of building chemistry for the movie. 

He was very animated and talkative when everyone else was around, but when it was just he and I left in the hotel suite he suddenly clammed up, and was only interested in looking at his phone rather then talking to and getting to know me.

That's when I remembered that the actor during the movie in question quite famously slept on a boat during production and a quick glance out of the window confirmed that there was a houseboat on the nearby lake and suddenly the idea of being 'fake' romanced didn't seem quite so appealing; I wanted the real deal. 

I found myself wishing he'd just hurry up and go, but when he didn't, I abruptly excused myself from the hotel suite - only going back in briefly to poke my head round the door to say I was leaving.

Dream Diary #122 + #123: Bleeding Love + Ghost Town

(I actually had this dream more than a week ago but didn't write it down as I found it quite upsetting)

It seemed that my dream had come true and my Love and I were in each other's lives again and what's more, he appeared to be making an effort with my family, interacting with and getting to know them.

But before I could get too happy and content I glanced down at myself and realised that I was bleeding heavily from between my legs! Instinctively, I knew that I was experiencing a miscarriage, despite not being aware I was even pregnant.

In total shock and horror, I immediately went to my Love, expecting him to show concern and worry but instead, he just took one look at me and turned away - his face completely expressionless and unemotional.

I stood there covered in blood and sobbing with devastation and confusion.

----------

(I actually had this dream before the attack in Manchester)

Due to the various terrorist events occurring worldwide as well as the increasingly volatile state of the political world, I began to notice that fewer and fewer people were showing up to work each day.

My job isn't without it's risks, even at the best of times, but now people simply didn't feel safe, not only to come to work but to be out in general. As a result the whole town where I lived started to resemble a ghost town.

This sent my employer into crisis mode and they called an emergency meeting for those of us who still dared show up to the office. They concluded that it was simply too risky to be at work and announced that the office would be closed down with immediate effect and dismissed everyone from the building.

At first, this was welcome news; I loved leaving the office early and having the rest of the day to do as I pleased. Even though I hated being unemployed due to the lack of money and therefore, opportunities, there was and is a small part of me that misses the lifestyle I had when I was unemployed and having the freedom to come and go as I choose without being tied to a schedule.

Then the reality of what had happened started to sink in - how was I going to support myself now? How was I going to afford to live and eat? And would I still be able to live in in the property where I live? In fact, how would anyone be able do any of these things if the town had just come grinding to a halt?

Dream Diary #121: Bad Blood

I was at a house party held by a friend. 

In haven't socialised much with this group of friends in a while in real-life because I don't feel like I have much in common with them any more as my connection to them stems from a very specific time in my life that I no longer feel connected to, but I don't really have any 'real' reason to end the friendship with them as they've done nothing to warrant it, so in the dream it felt as though I was putting in an appearance so as not to appear rude or ignorant.

As the party drew to a close, I found myself alone standing in my friend's backyard contemplating my journey home.

I was then joined by an ex-boyfriend - my first love - who also just so happens to be the ex-husband of the friend who had just hosted the house party (complicated I know, but I grew up in a small town!) and for a while we just strolled through the backyard chatting and reminiscing about old times.

In reality, I am very much over the relationship but a very small subconscious part of me was enjoying the attention he was giving me. There is a still a subdued connection and understanding there, I think.

When the time came that I really did have to leave for home, I had the option of taking the shortcut of going through my friend's home and using her front door or going out of the yard and following the path round and into the street. I decided upon the shortcut, but given my ex's and my friend's history, he didn't come inside the house, he just waved me off from outside. 

As I entered her house, my friend seemed surprised to see me, which I thought was odd seeing as though I wouldn't have gone inside her house if I truly didn't think she'd be okay with it, but when she saw her ex-husband standing in the doorway, she immediately turned on me!

She asked me what I thought I was playing at, why did I bring him here etc.?

I tried explaining that I didn't bring him, that he was already in the yard and I wasn't aware that things were that bad between them, but she quickly ushered me out her house in disgust.

I stood outside her house on the street waiting for my bus, completely baffled and bewildered by what just happened and wondering why was it such a common theme in my life that people were so quick to jump to their own conclusions about me without giving me a chance to explain my intentions? 

I had to use the restroom and noticing that her bathroom was outside for some reason, I contemplated using it before her current boyfriend came outside - he had turned from young and attractive to wizened and old - and he basically explained that my friend had told him that she couldn't possibly continue her friendship with me due to my 'thoughtlessness' and 'betrayal'.

Dream Diary #120: Love and Understanding

After going 'off the grid' for several years, my True Love reappeared back in my life sleeping in a bush close my workplace (in reality there are no bushes close to where I work.) He looked dishevelled and disorientated, as if he had been sleeping for the whole time he'd been 'away' and was only just now waking up, with no idea how he got there.

I didn't care about his appearance as I ran towards him and threw my arms around him, so happy and excited to see him again. I had gotten so used to his lack of presence in my life the past few years that I didn't question him about a reconciliation or whether we would see each other again, and even accompanied him to the airport when the powers that be decided it was best for him to be returned to his home country.

I saw him off and returned to work, still amazed by the miracle of seeing him again after so long, albeit briefly, when I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't see him ever again. 

Various shenanigans took place at work and I had almost forgotten that I'd seen my True Love again, when as I was leaving to go home, I froze with shock when I saw him sitting in the street waiting for me.

His legs were missing from the knee down so he couldn't run away or go anywhere so I approached him and sat down. Suddenly, all of the repressed emotions that I had previously been holding back came rushing to the surface and I started to cry and explain how sorry I was and that I had never meant to hurt him or be apart for this long.

But before I could get my words out he took my hand and began repeating back to me exactly what I was going to say! 

Relief flooded through my me and my tears turned from sadness to joy as I thought, "You get it, you finally understand!" For the first time in so long, he wasn't ignoring or wilfully misunderstanding me and it felt so good!

I lay down next to him in the street, still holding hands.