%204.jpg)
After spending another night with Gabriel, I was very much looking forward to another morning waking up in the warmth and comfort of his arms. So, you can imagine my confusion and disappointment when I wake up to find nothing but empty space next to me.
Holding the covers to myself, I half sit up and scan the room in sleepy bewilderment to find him silently staring out into the infinite abyss of outer space by the window; apparently already showered, shaved, dressed for the work day, his uniform accentuating his long, lean, jungle cat physique in all the right places. His stance is defensive, defiant; arms folded, feet wide apart as if he's been standing guard while I slept.
In spite of both the intense physical and emotional intimacy we shared following our fight regarding my decision, it's obvious he's far from at peace. My heart sinks a little as I let my head fall back against the pillow. I had a nagging hunch that the intimacy we shared likely triggered whatever mood in he's currently in. I know it triggered some pretty strange emotions for me, too.
"Hey, look who's up." I hear him say.
My eyes flicker in his direction.
"Sleep well?"
I nod. "I did. Thanks."
I really did, too. Which begs the question: how did I sleep through him getting up, showering, getting dressed? That never happens, usually.
"I made coffee." He gestures to the mug sitting atop the spiritual sex book on the nightstand.
I smile, reach over, sit up and draw my knees up to my chest.
"Thank you." I say, taking a sip.
Last night, after we made love and he shared the story of how and why he came to own the aforementioned book in the first place with me, Gabriel and I made love again. It was blissful in the moment but between that and the previous night, I feel achy and sore, like I've completed multiple high-intensity workouts in a row, down there. Believe me, it's not easy to make a professional ballerina (especially one as dedicated to her craft as I was) feel like she over-exerted herself.
I look over at Gabriel again. He's only a few feet from the bed but seems so, so far away. I set the mug back down, reach over the side of the bed into the pile of discarded clothing on the floor, fish out and pull on his t-shirt before I get up and make my way over to him.
When he sees my reflection coming up beside him, his stoicism breaks for just a second as his expression glazes over with a mixture of soft adoration and desire, taking in the sight of me wearing nothing but his t-shirt and pulling me up tight against him. I lean back and let my head rest against his shoulder and chest and join him just staring out into the stars.
"Are you going to bring your belongings down here later?" Gabriel whispers into my hair.
"Yeah," I reply, placing my hand over his around my waist, "I was going to do it after I speak to Solaris."
At that, his grip on me stiffens and I once again find myself feeling so guilty. I close my eyes for a moment, silently praying for the strength and courage to get through the pain of being separated from him.
When I open my eyes again, I can't help but wonder how many times over the years he and I have gazed at these stars like this before, from opposite sides of the galaxy; me lying in my princess bed back home in my dad's house, trying in vain to lull myself to sleep; he, diligently studying for his celestial cartography exams from his home in Nibera, oblivious to one another's existence. It was nothing short of a miracle that we met at all. Inevitably, it gets me thinking again about soul-ties and who, or what, might've had a hand in our paths crossing.
"Gabriel?"
"Yeah..?"
"Do you think it's possible that my mom, and your parents, are friends in the Astral Realm?" I ask.
"I don't know. Maybe?"
"Do you think that they're looking down on us all the time, talking about us?"
He kisses the top of my head. "Well, I hope they're not looking down on us 'all' the time, but... I'd like to think so."
I can feel my face flush as I giggle and glance down at the floor. Gabriel laughs, too. I really love how much he laughs when we're together.
"Yeah, after last night it's probably a good thing I haven't planned on riding my grandmother's horses today," I say, still giggling. Gabriel, of course, hears my words very differently to the light-hearted way I intended. His laughter stops and he turns me around so that I'm facing him.
"Oh, Mist, I'm sorry," he says, stroking my cheek, "I didn't think-"
"-It's okay," I'm quick to interject. The last thing I wanted was to make him feel like he had to hold himself back with me, "I'm fine, really."
He looks apologetic and a little sheepish as he asks, "I can still kiss you, right?"
I smile. "Yes, of course."
He leans in then and plants a firm, almost longing kiss on my lips.
"Wait, what about morning breath?" I start giggling again, my words muffled against his mouth.
"You taste great to me," he murmurs back, mischievously plunging his tongue into my mouth as if to prove his point.
I'm not sure I believe him, but I reach up anyway, wrapping my arms around his neck as I kiss him back because, unlike me, he actually does taste great.
After a few moments, he pulls back, his tone and expression turning serious again, "Do you have to speak to Solaris right away? Can't it wait a couple of days at least?"
I get that sinking feeling in my chest again. I was afraid of this.
"You know it can't." I reply, looking pleadingly into his eyes.
"Why not?" He fires back.
"Well, for one, if I don't do it now I might lose my nerve."
There's this look of guilt that spreads across Gabriel's face that tells me I've caught him out; that's exactly what he was hoping would happen.
"Besides, even after I officially volunteer, it's not like I'm going to be able to go right away. It's going to take time to prepare."
He looks away, directing his gaze to the cosmos outside, the same frustrated, angry look in his eye that Nico had when he realized that I had chosen Gabriel over him.
"We still have until then to be together." I stroke his chest with the palms of my hands attempting to reassure him of my love but he just retreats even further, moving his hands from my waist, folding his arms.
I really don't want to say what I say next but I don't feel he's giving me any other choice.
"You know, maybe... maybe it's not such a good idea that I move in just yet?"
His head pivots sharply back in my direction. For the second time in as many days I'm convinced I would've dropped down dead, if looks could kill.
At first I think he's going to protest, tell me, no, he still wants me here with him in spite of how he feels but instead he just says, "Maybe it's not such a good idea that you move in at all."
Then he steps back out of my reach, quietly uttering, "I have to go," turning away from me, taking big strides across the room until he's out the door.
--
I take my blue jumpsuit out of the closet, sighing as I run my hands over the fabric like a costume for a role I was getting ready to play.
Even though it was Solaris that first suggested what an ideal candidate for Operation: Guiding Light I would be, his reasoning had been largely down to my status as a rare human-celestial being and the abundance of galactic treasure that would inevitably be hidden in my DNA. When it really came down to it, I wasn't convinced that he saw me as anything more than a bubble brained ballerina whose talents and skills don't extend much beyond being able to spin around in circles without getting dizzy.
That's why, I figure if I'm going to convince him that there's an intergalactic soldier laying dormant inside me, I'm going to have to look the part on the outside.
After I've showered, I sit on the edge of my tiny bed in my towel combing then styling my long hair into a neat braid trying not to focus on the jar of sunflowers on the nightstand or dwell on how I went out of my way to make things right with Gabriel last night only to somehow end up in the exact same place with him this morning.
I'm not sure what'd happened overnight to cause him to freak out and retract everything we'd discussed the night before, but my mind keeps circling back to how I felt after we'd made love. Did he feel it, too? He didn't seem to at the time but maybe his reaction was just delayed somehow? I'd heard about how intense make-up sex could be so maybe it was just that? It's not like I could ask him about it while he was working so I decide to put a pin in my thoughts for later. I only had enough mental and emotional stamina to deal with the dilemma immediately in front of me.
Pulling up the zipper of my jumpsuit and feeling the fabric cling to me like a second skin, I am once again thankful I didn't forego my dance training or exercise regime just because I was beamed up onto a spaceship.
I step back, standing in front of the bathroom mirror. I throw my shoulders back, lift up my chin.
Then, as only a ballerina can, I pirouette, spinning around a couple of times before I stop, saluting my reflection before I head out.
--
"Miss Bright Eyes!" Artimus cheerily greets me, "How delightful to see you again."
I can see Gabriel abruptly turn in our direction in my peripheral vision, upon hearing Artimus's nick-name for me.
It's then I'm reminded that the last time I was here was right before Gabriel and I first spent the night together.
He and I had agreed not to formally announce our relationship, instead opting to let everyone figure it out in their own time and way, though if our last conversation this morning was anything to go by, there might not even be a relationship for anyone to figure out.
I try not to let the weight of his gaze from across the room throw me off.
"Good day Officer Tor," I say, throwing up my best attempt at a salute.
Artimus quirks a non-existent eyebrow.
"I need to speak with Solaris, um, I mean, Captain Thorne."
He clasps the palms of his hands together, his arms comically wide in comparison to his long, slender torso, "Is he expecting you?"
I shake my head. "It's... kind of urgent," I reply.
At that, Artimus's black eyes widen so much I briefly catch my reflection in them. For a split second, it's like looking at my mother during her brief stint with the Galactic Federation. I pray that's a good thing; after all, she was considered for the very same mission I'm about to volunteer for. Crazy to think that if she had stayed with the Federation and accepted the mission, she never would've ran away to Earth and I would've never existed.
"I see." He says, "In that case, I'll go speak with him now for you."
"Thanks, Arti."
As he walks away, I break character for just a second and dare to look over at Gabriel who is still staring intently at me from across the room. I subtly wave at him and offer an apologetic smile.
He sees my wave and raises me a salute, though it's a resigned gesture; there's no passion or conviction behind it. I watch as his shoulders slump and his head drop back to the neon screen in front of him, the anguish evident in his face from being the only other person in the room who knows why I'm there.
"Miss Bright Eyes?" Arti's voice pulls me back into the moment, "Captain Thorne will see you now."
I nod, take a deep breath and follow him down the steps to the main cockpit to an awaiting Solaris, feeling like I'm about to audition for the role of a lifetime.
Usually when I perform, I've rehearsed and memorized my steps to the point of being able to perform them in my sleep. Here, I have no such luxury; I'm improvising all the way.
Arti leads me to the center of the room, to the captain's chair where Solaris looks up from his coffee cup, mid-sip, and quirks not one, but both eyebrows at me.
Ever since I got here, it seems that every time I've approached Solaris I feel like I'm intruding; whether it's his train of thought, his coffee break or being a spare part on his otherwise perfectly-ordered, tightly run spaceship.
Right now, I feel like it's all three.
Solaris lowers his cup and he and Arti exchange glances; neither utters a word, yet I can tell what they're communicating to one another perfectly.
Is this some sort of prank? Solaris glares at Arti.
All I know is she said it was urgent, he shrugs back, almost apologetically, with a slight tilt of his big, light-bulb shaped head.
Solaris turns his focus back to me, sits back in his chair, eyes narrowing.
"Miss Harlequin."
I'm just trying not to let my face betray how I'm feeling inside; like a rabbit caught in headlights and Solaris was a semi-truck.
"Captain."
He looks squarely at Arti and says, "Leave us."
Arti dutifully obeys but before he can get too far, I blurt, "Oh, no, Arti please don't go," and then pleadingly back at Solaris, "Please... let him stay."
So much for showing how brave and stoic I could be.
Solaris nods and Arti awkwardly slinks back.
I can't bear it any longer. "Solaris... um, Captain... s-sir, I-" I glance down at the floor, at my feet. My toes are pointed outwards. Like a ballerina. I look up, blinking back frustrated tears, "I know what you're thinking; that I'm too young and dumb and inexperienced; what could she possibly know about galactic warfare, right?" I'm gesturing with my hands and arms like an overly expressive idiot, "But, hear me out: when you think about it, my mom was even younger than I am right now and she wasn't an experienced soldier either. And I know you had reservations about sending me because I wasn't an official galactic citizen, but I have my citizenship now and-" The image of myself as a tough intergalactic soldier had never seemed so far out of reach, "-I guess what what I'm trying to say is," the words come out my mouth, hurried and rambling, like if I don't get them out now, I won't ever be able to speak them: "I would like to formally volunteer for Operation: Guiding Light."
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, "I want you to send me to Purgatory."
I brace myself, expecting laughter.
Instead, when I hear nothing, I open my eyes to see Solaris carefully absorbing my words before he closes his own eyes and drops his head, clasping his gloved hands together at the fingertips as if reciting a silent prayer. Knowing Solaris is a former priest, this gesture is not insignificant.
Artimus looks as though he's turned to stone, unsure of how to react until Solaris gives his response.
Solaris's silence is palpable, my fate literally hanging in it.
"Sir, if I may interject-" Artimus raises a long, pale finger.
Solaris holds up the palm of his hand, stopping him mid-sentence, eyes still closed. When he finally opens them, he has this look of serene determination etched on his face in place of his usual, perpetually stern expression.
"Officer Tor," he gestures towards Arti, urging him to come closer, his voice calm, steady.
"Sir?" Arti takes a step forward.
"Tell Lieutenant Reska I wish to speak with him."
Oh God.
Not him, not now.
"Right away, sir."
As Arti walks the short distance across the cockpit and up the steps to the navigation deck, I feel like the floor's about to go from under me.
I can't help but wonder which version of Solaris has just decided my fate; 'Solaris Thorne: Captain of the Manifest Destiny' or 'Father Thorne'?
He looks at me with more kindness and empathy than I think I have ever seen him express to anyone. With no ambiguity, it's clear which version of him I'm dealing with.
He leans forward, eyes narrowing, scrutinizing me, searching for clues. If I didn't know any better I'd swear he looks sad, maybe even a little heartbroken that it's come down to this. Maybe Morgana hadn't been as off-base as I'd first thought when she said that Solaris was only hard on me because he cares. Then he utters just one word: "Why?"
His question catches me completely off-guard.
Seeing my confusion, he offers clarification: "Why is this so important to you?"
I can see Arti making his way back towards us, Gabriel trailing behind him. He's trying to remain professional, but his gait is slow, reluctant; that of a petulant child who's being dragged here against his will.
Because I'm deeply in love with your Chief Navigational Officer and there's nothing I want more than to be with him, here, forever... but I can't even begin to contemplate a life with him, or life as a galactic citizen... until I know that Nina is safe.
"Nina," I say.
Her name appears to confuse Solaris off just as much as the word 'why' did for me a few moments ago.
"Nina Sobieski; the girl who was captured and taken to Purgatory at the same time my mom was killed? You showed her to me on the Draco 'dead-and-missing' registry. She was listed as 'missing', not 'dead.' I'm the reason she was taken, so I think- no, I know -that I should be the one to bring her back."
Arti and Gabriel reach us before Solaris can react to what I've just said.
"You wanted to see me." Gabriel's tone is devoid of any emotion, bordering on robotic.
Solaris turns to him, "Officer Tor has briefed you on this new turn of events?"
Gabriel pauses, looks at me for just a second before averting his gaze, "Yes sir."
Solaris rises to his feet, pushing himself up out of his chair. He and Gabriel are about the same height but his commanding presence and overly serious demeanor make him seem so much bigger somehow, "I want you to liaise with Officer Everly and for the two of you to put Miss Harlequin through accelerated flight school."
What is happening? He wants to send me, Gabriel and Nico out alone in a confined space, together?!
He, of course, has no idea what has recently transpired between he, Nico and I. At least, I don't think he does?
I can see Gabriel's posture stiffen, as does mine, as acutely aware of how awkward this is going to be as I am.
"Sure." Gabriel curtly replies.
Solaris catches the strained inflection in his voice, eyes narrowing at the officer he has known since he attended his tragic baptism ceremony when he was a baby, "Is there something you would like to share?"
He chews the inside of his cheek, knowing that this is it, his chance to plead his case against my volunteering.
I look pleadingly at Gabriel, to please not screw this up for me, especially since it doesn't seem like Solaris isn't totally against me going.
His eyes dart to mine for no more than half a second before he looks at Solaris, defiantly holding his gaze, "No, sir."
I let out a silent breath. He isn't going to try to stop me. Even though I was begging him no to just a second ago, I'm not sure how I feel about it.
"Good." Solaris responds, fully reverted back into 'Captain' mode.
"Will that be all?" Gabriel asks, eager to end this interaction.
"For now."
Gabriel salutes, turns and hurriedly makes his way back up the steps, out of sight, Solaris staring intently after him.
"Officer Tor?" Solaris doesn't turn around.
"Sir?"
"Send out an emergency comms to all Guiding Light members- past and present."
"Past members, sir?" Arti's eyes widen. Apparently this wasn't usual protocol.
Solaris glances over over his shoulder at us, "We're going to need all hands on deck," then he looks back towards the steps to the navigation deck, where Gabriel just disappeared, "We have a lot of work to do."
--
Between stretches and turns, I numbly reflect on the morning's events in the cockpit.
After Solaris had given his orders, Artimus, seeing my anxiety, put a hand on my shoulder, "You know, Captain Thorne must think very highly of you. He would never consider you for a mission if he didn't think you were capable of seeing it through. You should be very proud."
I pondered Arti's words for a moment. Before I approached him, I thought that convincing Solaris to believe in me was going to be the hardest part. I hadn't considered the possibility that he might believe in me just enough to give me the chance to prove myself and how I would feel if I let him, Nina, Gabriel, everyone in the entire galaxy down if I don't succeed.
"Thanks, Arti," I said, "and... thanks for staying. I really appreciate it."
"Happy to be of assistance, Miss Bright Eyes," his light-bulb head tilting to the side again, "Or should I say 'Officer Bright Eyes'?"
His words elicit the first genuine giggle from me since I inflicted my morning breath on Gabriel, before things went awry.
Speaking of, I found myself searching the room for Gabriel's presence. I just wanted a sign, a gesture, something from him to say that, in spite of everything, we were going to be okay. But, he was nowhere to be found.
Before I could overthink it, I turned to Arti, throwing my arms around his slender, noodle shaped body, drawing him into a hug, not caring if I was being professional or not.
"Oh, I, um... oh my," Arti stammered, "There, there."
I grin to myself as I recall him awkwardly patting me on the head with his huge hand.
Workout done, I go to grab my gym bag from the corner of the room. The jangle of my sunflower keychain as I pick it up off the floor reminds me of Gabriel, who I've been trying my hardest not to think about.
I pause for a moment, checking to ensure that my journal is inside my bag before heading to The Blue Saloon for some post-workout refreshment and to tend to some other very urgent business that I'd been putting off.
--
"This seat taken?"
Startled, I glance up from my journal.
"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." Nico smiles.
"You didn't," I reply, "go ahead." I shift my feet from their resting spot on the seat opposite me in the booth as he sits down, "What's up?" I ask.
"Oh, I saw you here so I just wanted to come over and say 'hi'."
"Oh, well, hi." The awkwardness of Nico walking in on Gabriel and I during our date yesterday is still fresh in my mind as I'm sure it is for him, too.
"Whatcha writing?" He gestures towards my journal.
"A letter to my dad," I sigh, "or, trying to, at least. I figure I owe it to him to let him know what happened to me if I don't make it back to Earth. He deserves that."
Nico's brow furrows as he leans in, arms folded, elbows resting on the table, "So it's true? You're really going to Purgatory?"
"Yeah, I really am." I say, hardly believing it myself, "If I get the Solaris stamp of approval."
At that, he slowly exhales, sits back, fidgeting with his hands under the table. For the next few moments neither of us say anything.
Thankfully, Cthulhu walks by, breaking the awkward silence and offers me a refill of my iced tea, which I decline. I wonder how far throughout the ship the news of my going to Purgatory has traveled; Cthulhu - who has always been attentive to me - was being even more attentive than usual. He turns to Nico who shakes his head, "Nothing for me, thanks."
As Cthulhu walks away, Nico turns his attention back to me, "What about Gabriel?"
I avert my gaze, "Well, he's not thrilled, let's put it that way."
"I bet."
"Anyway," I sit back, folding my arms, "I thought he would've told you himself. Hasn't he spoken to you about you and him training me?"
"Oh, sure, he messaged me this morning but he was all business, you know how he is."
I smile to myself. I do know.
"Speaking of the 'Big G'," Nico says, casting his glance around the room, "he's not here somewhere is he?"
"He's still working, I think." I hadn't spoken with him since this morning, only indirectly during my meeting with Solaris.
Then, Nico let's me have it. "Well, shit Mist, if Gabriel hasn't managed to talk you out of it, I don't suppose there's anything I could say to convince you not to go?"
My heart sinks. "Oh, Nico, not you too?!" I pick up my journal, slamming it shut.
He arches an eyebrow. "'Too'? Trouble in paradise already?"
"Look, I have to go," I say hurriedly throwing my journal into my bag. I'm no relationship expert but even I know that pouring my heart out to the guy I rejected about the guy I rejected him for is a very, very bad idea.
He reaches across the table to try and stop me from leaving, "Alright, alright, alright, you don't have to talk about him with me... I'm sorry, please, don't go."
"Goodbye Nico."
I stand, throwing my bag over my shoulder but don't get very far before I hear Nico blurt out, "What if I could arrange it so that you could speak to your dad directly?"
I stop, glance over my shoulder. "You could do that?"
"Sure. Your dad watches TV, right?"
"Yeah?"
"Consider it done."
I find myself slinking back into the booth. "How come you never offered to do that before?" I ask, pulling the strap of my bag off my shoulder and placing it back on the seat next to me.
Nico shrugs, "We're not really supposed to have undocumented contact with Earth civilians. Excepts in a few exceptional circumstances. I'd say this counts."
"You'd really do that for me? After everything?" I ask, my eyes narrowing.
"Of course." He says as if it shouldn't even be a question.
"Thank-you, Nico," I tell him, the knot in my stomach that's been there since this morning loosening a bit, "You have no idea how much that would mean to me."
Nico's gaze meets mine for a fleeting second before he quickly looks away, his cheeks flushing as if he's embarrassed by how much he still cares about me even after the way I treated him.
I sigh, bracing myself as I'm about to address the elephant in the room, "I really am sorry, you know?" My voice soft, "I never meant to hurt you."
He looks up, a sad, wistful smile on his face, "I know."
"I wish there was something I could do to make it up to you?"
He looks thoughtful for a moment, contemplating my words, his smile widening into a boyish, mischievous grin, etching sharp dimples into his cheeks, "I don't suppose you have an age-appropriate sister or cousin that you've never mentioned that you could introduce me to, do you?"
I shake my head, my own mouth expanding into a grin, "Sorry sweetie, all I have is a step-brother and all my cousins are boys."
"Eh, it was worth a shot." He drops his head in mock-disappointment.
"Although," I say teasingly, placing my thumb and forefinger on my chin, pretending to be deep in thought, "I do have a whole bunch of really pretty dancer girlfriends who would be dying to meet someone like you."
Nico's head snaps back up, curiosity piqued. "Really?"
"Oh yeah! They're always complaining about the lack of great guys out there. You could have your pick."
Even as the words come out of my mouth I'm contemplating which of my friends might be a good match.
Esme? God, no. Esme was more of a 'frenemy' than a friend. Sure, she was beautiful and guys seemed to love her despite the fact that she treated them horribly. I would strongly warn him against pursuing her if he ever took an interest in her.
Anouska? She was currently on a career break after having recently given birth to her baby boy. She and the baby's father had decided to stay together and make a go of things in spite of their young ages, so she was already spoken for.
Jezebel? Guys either seemed to love Jezebel's outgoing, chatterbox personality or it turned them off completely. Despite being best friends she and I were very different and if Nico had already decided that me, or someone like me, was his type then he might fall into the latter category. But who am I to say?
I feel a tiny pang of sadness in my chest because Nina should be on that list, too.
All this reminiscing has gotten me thinking whether I should be writing a goodbye letter to Jezebel as well as my father; she was so good and sweet to me, approaching me and taking me under her wing after Nina's disappearance and I was still grieving for my mother.
Tiger, too, who unexpectedly became one of my closest friends and allies after my dad got together with his mom.
I look over at Nico to see him mulling over the prospect of an Earth-based girlfriend.
"Hey," I reach across the table placing my hand on his forearm. There's nothing romantic in it but I'm very aware of how this could look if Gabriel were to walk in right now. Nico is too because I feel him tense, unsure whether to shrug me off, or accept whatever affection I'm willing to give, even if it's only platonic.
I try to make my point quick, "There's a whole universe out there, Nico. You're selling it, and yourself, short if you think that I'm you're only chance of happiness."
"Easy for you to say, " he snorts, "you've met 'The One' already."
"I don't know that," I say quietly, even as I recall how it felt as though the bottom had dropped out of my world when I'd thought Gabriel had chosen to rekindle his relationship with Sophia and how it drove me to seek solace in Nico to try and drown out the despair.
"Sure, you do," Nico persists, "if that wasn't the kiss of true love that I walked in on yesterday then what is?"
Tentatively, I look him in the eye. He smirks as he says, "You wanna hear something funny? Couple of weeks before you got here, G got really pissed at me because I was making fun of him 'cause he hadn't had a date, or even so much as flirted with another girl ever since he and Sophia broke up."
I smile at Nico's anecdote because I, of course, know the reason for that.
"I kept telling him that the perfect girl wasn't just gonna appear on his doorstep. Then, a few weeks later, in the loading bay, there you were. Practically hand-delivered by the Gods themselves. Almost as soon as you arrived, G started coming out of the funk he'd gotten himself into these past couple of years. Hell, even Solaris has stopped being as big of a grouch since you got here."
I can't help but laugh. It's hard to picture Solaris being more of a grouch.
Nico looks at me earnestly from across the table, "I swear I had no idea G was the reason you were so upset. I guess seeing you with him now is what I get for trying to get in the way?"
I shake my head, "You didn't do anything wrong," I told him that before but it bears repeating, "Besides, if anything, it's me who should've never let things go as far as they did."
Nico and I have never talked in any great detail about what happened between us that night so I feel as though we're crossing over into dangerous territory and start to pull my hand away from it's place on his forearm.
He's not having it though. He grabs my hand and holds it in his, "Mist, if you really are determined to go through with this Purgatory thing, then at least give me the courtesy of letting me get out what I need to say. This might be my only chance and you'll never hear me speak of it again. Please?"
I take a deep breath. "Okay," I nod.
Nico takes a deep breath of his own, shaking his head as if in disbelief, "Mist, you have no idea how powerful you are, do you?"
He dares to look me in the eye. "On behalf of me, G - and any other idiot who might dare to love you in the future - I feel it's my duty to tell you you're not the kind of girl a guy can just spend one night with and then forget about the next day. Your presence lingers, you know?"
His words take me back to last night, when Gabriel told me about his dream, how it changed him and how he felt like he couldn't move on from the experience until he'd tracked the girl - me? - down. And now, Nico's sitting here, across from me, basically-
-Wait?
Any other idiot who might dare to... what?
I can feel his hand tighten around mine and his gaze intensify as he wills me to understand what he's trying to tell me without having to say the words directly.
I open my mouth to try to speak even though I have no idea what it is I want to say.
Nico shakes his head before any words come out, "It's alright, I don't expect you to say anything. I just... wanted you to know."
I'm not sure if Cthulhu has overhead any of our conversation, if he can read our body language, or if it's just coincidence but he once again approaches our table, breaking the tension and the awkward silence settling over us, menu in hand (or, claw).
"Oh, no thanks, Cthulhu," I say hurriedly, giving Nico's hand one final squeeze before I let go, "I was just leaving."
--
Between my fight with Gabriel, my meeting with Solaris and Nico's confession, by the time I get back to my room that evening I am completely and utterly exhausted.
I kick off my sneakers and toss my gym bag into the corner of the room before I collapse into a heap on my bed. Frustratingly though, despite my tiredness, I can't sleep. I just lie there numbly hugging my pillow. In spite of myself, I find my gaze inexplicably pulled to the jar of sunflowers on the nightstand. I wish I were holding Gabriel.
It doesn't help that all the talk of Purgatory, Nina and my mom has dredged up long-held memories of that day; the ominous, rainless summer storm raging outside, the sound of sirens barreling down my grandmother's long gravel driveway, the look of devastation and despair on my dad's face as the cops broke the news of his wife found mortally wounded and bled out by the side of the road, Nina nowhere to be found...
I hug my pillow even tighter. Even after all these years, I still remember it all so vividly. Which is strange considering it all felt like a blur as it was happening.
Thankfully, before my thoughts can get too out of hand, there's a knock at my door.
I sigh, brushing the stray hair that has come loose from my braid behind my ear as I get up and press the button to open the door.
"Good evening, Miss Bright Eyes. I hope I'm not disturbing you?" It's Arti with what appeared to be two tablets in his hands.
"Hey, Arti." I try not to sound irritated. It's not his fault I'm tired, "It's late. You haven't clocked out yet?"
"This is my last job of the day," he replies holding up the tablets, ensuring that the information on them is identical before handing one of them to me.
"What's this?"
"Your schedule."
I glance at the screen. An appointment with Morgana for a full health and wellbeing checkup; a virtual meeting with Solaris and the Guiding Light network; flight school in the afternoon with Nico and Gabriel.
"Great. Thanks."
"It will be updated weekly, so make sure you're checking regularly."
"I will." I reassure him, clutching the tablet to my chest.
"Is there anything else you need before I go?"
I shake my head, fighting the urge to laugh, "I'm fine, Arti. Now go, enjoy what's left of the evening. That's an order!"
"Very well, Miss Bright Eyes. Goodnight!"
"Goodnight Arti."
My mouth curves into a smile as I watch him make his way down the corridor, his arms swinging like ropes on either side of his body.
As the door hisses shut, my heart sinks as I glance again at the schedule in my hands. My exhaustion is exhausted just looking at it. Still, I dutifully prop the tablet up on the kitchen counter before plopping myself back onto my bed. I don't think I even lay there for a full minute before there's another knock at the door.
I groan and roll my eyes.
"Arti!" I say, heaving myself up and reaching for the 'open' button again, "I said I'm-"
I freeze, like a rabbit in headlights for the second time today. Though, it's not a semi-truck standing in my doorway; more like the emotional equivalent of a tank.
"Hi."
"Hi," I manage, my voice barely a whisper.
"Can I come in?" Gabriel asks softly. He's dressed in his gym clothes - navy blue hoodie, matching sweats, white t-shirt and sneakers, gym bag slung over his shoulder. He's also carrying a paper bag emanating heat and aromas that smell suspiciously like food.
My heart wants to go to him, throw my arms around him, cover him with kisses. But, after the day I've had, I'm on edge and desperate to preserve what peace of mind I have left.
"That depends," I say, my expression hardening, "if you've come here to make me feel guilty, you're wasting your time because I feel guilty enough as it is."
His eyes widen and he drops his head in defeat, "Look, I'm not going to pretend I don't deserve that after how I acted this morning," he concedes before looking up again, "but be fair, Mist. How would you have felt if the roles were reversed? What if I had told you I loved you, let you believe in a future together, only to neglect to tell you I'm planning on volunteering for a mission, which so far, has had a one hundred percent failure rate?"
It's a cheap shot but he's right; I'd be beside myself.
"I want you to know that I'm behind you every step of the way," He says, reaching out with his free hand re-tucking errant strands of hair behind my ear, pleading with me with his eyes and touch as much as his words.
I meet his gaze. He could melt glaciers with his eyes. Oh, those eyes.
"I know." I say, my defenses and my heart crumbling as I reach up, curling my arms around his neck and pressing my lips firmly to his. I playfully let my tongue brush against his also; a reminder of the kiss we shared this morning which elicits an audible moan from his throat. When I pull away he flashes me a hopeful smile.
"So, you forgive me?"
I smile back. "I forgive you."
I take his hand and gesture for him to come inside.
"You just missed Arti," I tell him, letting go of his hand and setting myself down on the edge of my bed, "He was here a few minutes ago, dropping off my schedule."
Gabriel takes off his sneakers and sets his bag down next to mine in the corner of the room, "Yeah, I passed him the hallway. He thinks I'm here to discuss your training."
"Do you think he suspects anything?" I ask.
"It's Arti. Who knows?" He shrugs, picking up the tablet from the counter, glancing at it for a second before setting it back down, "To be honest, I was relieved to see him. I was worried you might be sleeping when I stopped by. So, when I saw him coming from your room, I figured you were still awake."
He sets the paper bag down next to my schedule.
"I wasn't sleeping," I tell him, drawing my feet onto the edge of the bedframe and knees up to my chest. "not for lack of trying, though." I add, with a sigh.
He turns to me, eyes narrowing as he observes me, "Have you been sleeping in your gym clothes since you got here?" He asks, noting my pink tank-top and leggings, my crumpled up grey dance sweater hanging from my weary frame.
"Well, I didn't exactly think to pack my pajamas before I left the house the morning before I came here," I quip.
I'm about to remind him that he should know what I sleep in but I stop myself when I realize that so far all of our sleepovers ended with us wearing the same thing: nothing.
He shakes his head as he shrugs off his hoodie, pulls his t-shirt over his head before handing it me, "Here, put this on."
I look up at him. "But... that's yours?"
"That didn't stop you this morning."
Damn it. All I can think of when I see him standing shirtless in my tiny kitchen is pulling him over to the bed and making up the way we did last night, but the stupid soreness from said making up puts an abrupt stop to my wandering thoughts.
"Thanks." I say, taking the shirt from his grasp.
He pulls his hoodie back on and turns his attention to the paper bag on the counter.
"What is that anyway?" I ask as I wriggle out of my sweater and tank top, "Cthulhu got you doing food deliveries in your spare time?"
Gabriel laughs, "Oh this? This was my back-up plan, you know in case you weren't so quick to forgive me?"
"Ah." I say, stepping out of my leggings.
He pulls out two bottles of water from the bag, sets one of them down by my feet, "When was the last time you ate?"
I think for a moment, threading my arms through the arm holes of the shirt, still warm and faintly coconutty. "Yesterday," I admit, realizing how bad that sounds. It's been such an emotionally charged day that I literally just forgot to eat.
"That's what I thought." He says, reaching into the bag and pulling out two paper covered parcels, handing one to me.
"What is it?" I ask.
"Open it and see."
I place the parcel on my lap, it's warmth seeping onto my bare thighs. Whatever it is, it smells amazing.
I peel back the paper. "Quesadilla?!" I exclaim. "Oh my gosh, you are so forgiven!" I say taking a hearty bite.
Gabriel leans against the counter, tucking into his own quesadilla, smiling with smug satisfaction that his so called 'back-up plan' was a success, despite not even needing it.
We eat in silence and it occurs to me how normal this all feels. To look at us, you would just think we were a regular couple; you'd never know we were a human-celestial hybrid and an intergalactic angel sharing a moment of domestic bliss onboard a spaceship.
After we're done he takes the wrapping from me and puts it back inside the paper bag along with his own, discarding it in the trash.
"Good?" He asks.
"Really good. Thanks." I pick my bottle of water up from the floor, take a sip.
"What did you get up to today, after you spoke with Solaris?"
"Went to the gym, hung out in the The Blue Saloon for a bit," I tell him. Then, I look down at my hands for a moment, "I ran into Nico."
"Oh?" He says, attempting to sound nonchalant.
"He says he's going to arrange for me to speak with my dad, before... well, you know."
"That's nice of him." He says, flatly.
I sigh, "Gabriel, I really think you need to go talk to him."
He turns, taking a sip from his own water bottle, "I'm not 'not talking' to him, Mist," then he turns to face me again, "Besides, I'll speak to him tomorrow, during training."
"That's not what I meant. I mean you and him, guy to guy, you know?"
I momentarily consider telling him that Nico had confessed that he was in love with me; I don't want there to be any secrets between us, but after his reaction just to hearing that Nico and I talked, I decide against it. At least, for now. The last thing I wanted to do was cause anymore damage to their friendship than I already had.
"Please? For me?"
For a moment, I think he's going to fight me on this, but then I see him relent, his expression softening as he comes and sits down next to me on the bed.
"Of course I'll go speak with him," He says, putting his arm around me, "I'd do anything for you, you know that."
I let my head drop to his shoulder, my nose nuzzling into the crook of his neck. His arm around me feels like a ray of sunshine on a cold day.
"Thank you," I whisper.
He rests his head on top of mine and we just sit there in silence, not unlike how we did right before we slept together for the first time. Impulsively, I press a soft kiss against his throat; a gesture which causes him to inhale deeply and exhale slowly before he turns and looks down at me.
"Are you scared?" He asks, pulling me in tighter.
"Like a rabbit in headlights," I admit with a sad smile. For a moment, I think I might cry but then Gabriel reaches up with his free hand, cupping my face, lightly dragging his thumb across my cheek. And then we're kissing; like really kissing. Quesadilla breath, be damned.
Our lips never part, not even for a moment; not even as we angle ourselves so that we're facing one another on the bed instead of sitting side-by-side.
I never made-out with a guy in my room like this back home. Partly because my dad would've hit the roof if he'd ever caught me but mostly due to my formerly prudish nature, I never met a guy who I felt was worth taking the risk of getting caught for, until now. Then again, as I push aside Gabriel's hoodie, run my hands over his bare chest and shoulders and into his hair, I couldn't help wonder if I ever truly was a prude? How long had my soul been whispering to me, unbeknownst to me, that Gabriel was out there, waiting for me?
Gabriel's hands are doing some exploring of their own as he reaches up under the shirt he gave me, tracing the curve of my back and spine with the palm of his hands.
The desire I feel is unbearable and for a split second I contemplate throwing caution to the wind and sleeping with him in spite of my aching body's protest. But, I know from my experiences as a dancer, ignoring my body's signals to slow down rarely ends well and as such, I reluctantly pull away, burying my face back into the crook of his neck.
"I'm sorry." I whisper.
Gabriel's hands stroke my back, over the shirt this time.
"It's okay," he whispers back, "I didn't come here expecting anything. I just wanted to see you."
"I want to, it's just-"
"-I know, I know."
And then, I dare to ask the question that's been on my mind since I awoke that morning: "You don't regret it, do you?" My voice is small, barely audible, muffled against the fabric of Gabriel's hoodie.
"Regret what?" He asks, confused.
I pull away, averting my gaze, "Breaking your abstinence for me," I cautiously look up.
Gabriel's already furrowed brows knit even tighter as he says, "Is that what you think?" He reaches up to stroke my cheek again, "Why would you think that?"
I pull his hand away from my face and hold it in mine, my fingertips tracing his knuckles, "It's just that last night... and the night before... was so amazing," I can see his expression soften and a faint blush color his cheeks as he recalls the intense passion we've shared over the past couple of nights.
"It really was," he agrees with a boyish smile.
"But... this morning, you were so distant. I thought that maybe you regretted being with me, now that I might be going away for a while? Or that, maybe..." My grip on his hand tightens, "...I didn't feel as much like the girl from your dream as you first thought?"
Gabriel's lips part as if he's about to say something but he closes his eyes, head dropping before any words come out, "Oh, Mist," he finally says, looking up, caressing my cheek with the back of his hand; a gesture I know he makes when he's trying to comfort me, "I didn't tell you about my dream to make you feel bad or to make you feel like you have to live up to it."
I meet his gaze. Why were you so distant, then? I implore with my eyes, needing to know.
"See, the thing you've got to understand is," he sighs as he sprawls out next to me (and I use the term 'sprawl' loosely; he has to draw up his knees just to fit), "in the aftermath of that dream, I had all this time to think about, what kind of person this girl would be, what she would be like," he reaches up, lightly tapping my nose with his fingertip, a mischievous glint in his eyes, "I knew she was beautiful; that was given, just based on how she felt."
I smile and crinkle my nose at his silliness. Smooth, Reska. Real smooth.
"And I knew she had to be athletic," he explains, hand wandering down over to my knee and thigh, "Was she into yoga? Jogging? Or-"
"-Ballet and horse-riding?" I grin.
"Exactly!" His own grin widening. Then, the grin fades into a softer, more wistful expression, averting his gaze, "I also imagined what it might be like when we'd finally meet, what it would be like to see her, in real-life for the first time. I imagined that I'd look at her, she'd look at me and we'd both just know."
He scoffs to himself as if embarrassed by his own idealism.
Instinctively, I reach out and stroke his arm. Unlike with Nico, I let my touch linger, gentle and reassuring, letting Gabriel know that I was here, that I was listening.
"When you first got here, something inside me made the connection instantly, but I was thrown off by the fact that you didn't seem to recognise me. Not only that, but you were a citizen of Earth, with no prior knowledge of the galactic world. It didn't make any sense; how could the girl I've been searching for all this time, who reached out to me in my dreams be an Earth citizen who, according to galactic law, would have to be returned there at some point and any memories of me, us, the celestial world erased?"
"I tried to put the thought to the back of my mind at first, tried to convince myself that I was mistaken," he continues, running a hand through his hair, "but the more I got to know you, the more time we spent together, my feelings just kept getting stronger and stronger until I didn't know how to act around you. Then, when I started to suspect that you had feelings for me too, for some reason that just terrified me even more. Add in all the conflicted emotions I felt, knowing you were Celeste's daughter and there wasn't any way for me to tell you that without also outing myself as the 'Lost Prince of Lyrica' and I was a wreck on the inside."
My mind starts to drift back to when I first arrived on the Manifest Destiny and how Gabriel and I seemed to really hit it off at first, but after a while everything I said or did seemed to annoy him. I can still recall the confusion and hurt I felt, as my own growing feelings for him persisted in spite of his behaviour towards me, to the point where even seeing him go off to meet Sophia actually upset me. Our hearts were light years ahead our heads, it seems.
I look over at Gabriel who looks sad, as though he's also reflecting on the events before our relationship began.
"Hey," I whisper, reaching over and running my hand through his hair and down over his face. I can feel the roughness of the five o' clock shadow starting to show through his skin on my fingertips, "That's all in the past now." I try to reassure him.
Gabriel captures my hand before I can pull it away, "Not if you're doubting how I feel about you, it's not." He says brushing his lips against my knuckles.
"You know, last night? After you fell asleep? I stayed awake just so I could remember what it felt like to hold you, listen to you breathe, to your heart beating against my ribs. I knew I wanted to have that feeling, you, by my side, forever. I found myself asking the Gods why would they let me feel this, if I wasn't meant to keep it? Then I got to thinking about the Draco, Purgatory, my parents... the fucking unfairness of it all..." He trails off, looking down, "I got myself so worked up that I couldn't sleep at all so in the end I just stopped trying. I got up and tried to get on with my day instead. I really didn't mean to take my frustration out on you."
Then he looks up me, dark eyes soft yet defiant, determined, "Mist, meeting you, being with you... it's the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. You never have to worry about living up to any of my ideals or expectations because, truth is... you exceed them all."
My breath catches. I want him, so badly. Damn, this stupid soreness.
Instead, I lean over, kissing him, deep and fierce.
Gabriel pulls me close, hands wandering over my back and into my hair.
"Did you mean it when you said you would do anything for me?" I whisper against his lips.
"Yes. Anything."
"Stay with me tonight?" I ask.
We stare at each other for moment before we both burst into laughter. My little bunk is barely big enough to fit one, let alone two. And he's even taller than me.
Without uttering a single word, he just smiles and lifts his arm, gesturing for me to lie down beside him. I turn on my side, Gabriel's arm curving around my waist, spooning me from behind.
I smile to myself as I feel him nestling up to me, throwing his leg over mine to save space.
I'm just lying there listening to the steady thud of his heart beating against my back when out of nowhere, my eyelids suddenly start to feel really heavy.
"Goodnight." I manage to murmur.
The last thing I hear is Gabriel whispering, "Goodnight," back, before I fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.
The next morning, Gabriel helps me move my belongings from my room, to his.
